


a kiss that changed everything

by sobbestories



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Posted some of this on tumblr already but oh well, Sobbe - Freeform, what would have happened if
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:01:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 49,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23189656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sobbestories/pseuds/sobbestories
Summary: this is the story of what would have happened in season 3 if robbe and sander actually DID kiss at the beach house trip. it basically follows the entire storyline of season 3, but lots of things have changed :)
Relationships: Robbe IJzermans/Jens Stoffels, Robbe IJzermans/Noor Bauwens, Sander Driesen/Britt Ingelbrecht, Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Comments: 44
Kudos: 307





	1. Chapter 1: E4

**Author's Note:**

> i worked on this for WEEKS oh my god. I finally finished the first chapter, I wanted it to be really longgg. I hope you'll enjoy it.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Friday**

‘’Maybe he can help me with the empty bottles?’’ Robbe looked at Sander, being a bit startled at him intending Robbe could help him. There were so many other people in the room, yet it was Robbe’s help he wanted.

As Sander smiled at him, he couldn’t help but become a little excited. _Shit_.

They both grabbed a crate with empty bottles, making their way to the garbage bins at the back of the cabin. Robbe could feel Sander walking close to him, so close, he could feel his right arm moving against his a few times. He could feel himself getting nervous as his heart started to beat faster the closer they got to the garbage bins. He didn’t really know if it was because he was scared he wouldn’t know what to say, or if it was because of the fact he would be completely alone with Sander. Probably both.

‘’So you and Noor? That’s going pretty good, huh?’’ Sander asked, leaving Robbe unsettled. That was the last thing he expected Sander to ask him. Ever since last night’s party, he was pretty much convinced Sander wanted something from him- sexually. The staring competition they had while kissing their girlfriends was so hot, yet so extremely confusing. Robbe didn’t intend on doing it, he just literally couldn’t take his eyes off of him. Moreover, off of Sander and Britt. Them making out, them touching each other like that, and feeling like he wanted to be in her place so badly. It made him go completely insane, out of his mind, and before he knew, Sander was doing the exact same thing to him. He had hoped he wouldn’t mention it, but instead of doing what he was afraid of, he asked him about his relationship with Noor. What did that even mean? Not being sure what to answer and what answer Sander wanted to hear, Robbe just shrugged, making an approving sound, not saying anything. While taking off some off the caps of the empty bottles, he could feel Sander getting close to him from behind. Before he knew, his arms were pretty much around him, close enough to touch him slightly. He felt Sander’s hand brush against his, making him shiver from the warmth of his skin. Sander let go, way too quickly, taking a few caps with him, searching for eye contact with Robbe. As he found it, they smiled at each other, nervously, knowing they were both feeling something, whatever it actually was.

“And you and Britt?” Robbe asked, bouncing the ball right back at him. He didn’t know what game Sander tried to play, but he did know he was intent on joining him.

“Ups and downs. I feel like I’m getting on her nerves so much lately.” Robbe frowned. Was that why he was doing whatever it was with Robbe? To distract himself from his messy, complicated relationship with Britt?

“What do you think I should do?” _Fuck_. Was he asking him for relationship advice right now? Or wait, what if he didn’t want advice about him and Britt because he needed it, but because he was trying to make Robbe jealous? Wait, fuck, he didn’t even know if Sander liked him. There were signs, obvious ones, but Robbe had never been the best at reading them correctly.

“I don’t know,” he said. “Maybe add up all the positive and negative things, and-“

“And when it’s mostly negative, dump her?” Sander finished his sentence before he could finish it himself. Robbe stared at him silently for a while, being unsettled from the way Sander just finished his sentence for him. Not that it wasn’t what Robbe was trying to say, because it was- but because Sander could read his mind so well, without even knowing him at all.

“Yeah, I don’t know.” Sander said. Robbe looked away, yet he could feel Sander’s eyes burning on him. Sander wasn’t just looking, he was straight up staring- taking in all of Robbe’s beauty, which was even better in the light he was standing in right now.

‘‘Maybe I’m just scared I’ll never find someone,’‘ Sander said with a soft, low voice. So soft, Robbe almost couldn’t hear him. He looked at Sander with his eyes pinched together, not being completely sure as to why Sander just said that. Him? Never finding someone? It shouldn’t be that hard, walking around looking the way he does. He then quickly looked away after catching himself looking at Sander for way too long. He hoped he hadn’t noticed. He still didn’t really know what it was about Sander that made him so… admirable.

He licked his lips and said: ‘’I’m sure you’ll find someone.’’ Sander looked back at him, not being able to stop smiling, feeling thousands of butterflies fly around in his stomach. If Robbe only knew he already found someone. Him. He was the one. He had only really known him for a few days, but he had seen him, noticed him and admired him for weeks already. And he hadn’t been out of his mind for a single second.

‘‘Where?’‘ Sander asked, trying to move the conversation into the direction of finding out if Robbe also liked him. Because that was the only thing he didn’t know- was Robbe into guys? The vibe around them clearly showed some signs, signs of electricity, signs of sexual tension. He knew there was more, he had been trying to make Robbe jealous for days and he just felt like it worked, so he knew Robbe felt something too- but he just needed the confirmation. Robbe bit his bottom lip, getting more and more nervous as the conversation went on.

‘’I don’t know. maybe you should meet new people sometime.’’ Sander snorted to Robbe’s words, licking his lips, enjoying how Robbe was taking the conversation so seriously. If only he knew he’d already found the one, right here, standing right in front of him. He didn’t want to meet new people, he only wanted to get to know him.

‘‘Like going away for a weekend with complete strangers, or something?’‘ He looked at Robbe, who was completely silent all of a sudden. He stared at him, never breaking eye contact. Robbe stayed silent for a little while, not being sure if he should say what he was thinking, but it was like Sander was pulling it out of him and he wasn’t able to hold himself back.

‘‘For example, yes.’‘ Sander felt his heart beat faster. It started racing, so badly he thought his heart might explode. He was still looking at Robbe, never breaking their eye contact, never not admiring him. Then suddenly Robbe did break it- his eyes went down, now studying the shape of Sander’s lips. Fuck- that was pretty much all the confirmation Sander needed. So he broke their eye contact too, now also looking at Robbe’s lips, feeling the urge to kiss them rise inside of his body. He moved closer, slowly, looking into robbe’s eyes and then back to his lips, watching them come closer every second, seconds that felt like hours, making his heart beat so much faster from being so impatient yet so nervous. What was this guy doing to him? Their faces were so close now, Robbe could feel Sander’s soft, bleached hair brush against his forehead.

As their noses touched, Sander held back a little bit, being startled from his touch, but he never thought about stopping for a second. He titled his head, making his nose brush against Robbe’s. For a second they just stood there. silent. Their noses touching each other. Them never stopping to look at each other’s lips. For a moment, they looked each other in the eye, as to ask for permission, as to ask for confirmation from the other that they weren’t the only one wanting this. needing this. And that was all Sander needed.

In a whim, Sander put his hand on Robbe’s neck and pulled him towards him, crashing his lips against his. It was a feeling he had never experienced before. It felt like hundreds and thousands of fireworks went off inside his body, all because of the feeling of Robbe’s lips against his. It started off as a slow, long kiss, them both taking in a deep breath as if them touching each other finally made them able to breathe again, them both getting used to the feeling of them. As Sander slowly released his lips from Robbe’s, he opened his eyes, his nose never stopping to touch Robbe’s. They looked at each other for a moment, breathing, completely silent. Blown away by what just happened. Blown away by each other. Robbe smiled nervously, making Sander smile, too.

 _Fuck_ , he was absolutely gorgeous. This time it was Robbe putting his hand on the back of Sander’s head, pulling him back in for another kiss. As Robbe put his both hands on Sander’s face to try and pull it even closer towards him, Sander put both hands on Robbe’s back, pulling him against his body by the sides of his brown jacket. Their kiss was so incredibly good. It was so intense, so passionate, as if it had been the thing they both had been longing- craving forever. As Sander felt Robbe’s tongue move around his, he let his hands disappear underneath Robbe’s shirt, letting his fingers travel all the way over his back, feeling his warm skin against his fingertips, leaving Robbe with goosebumps all over his body. As if it was a natural reaction, Robbe’s right hand moved to the back of Sander’s head again, pulling his messy hair with his fingers. ‘’Fuck,’’ Sander moaned a little, startled from the feeling Robbe could give him with even the slightest touch.

He turned them around, pushing Robbe against the wall of the cabin, so rough, their lips parted for a second. Their lips were bright red, soaked from their kiss, which made them both long for more. He cupped Robbe’s face with his right hand, pulling his body closer towards his with his left, making every single distance between them disappear. He bit his lower lip softly, and felt Robbe smile.

‘’ _Shit_ , Sander…’’ he murmered against his lips, feeling so immensely alive. He could feel Sander smile as his tongue continued to discover him, clearly enjoying Robbe saying his name. He had never felt like this while kissing someone. It was like Sander lit a forest fire inside of his body and he wasn’t able to put it out ever again. His lips were so soft- and they moved against his so smoothly, as if they had done this so many times before, as if they were made for each other. Sander moved his lips away from Robbe’s, now moving them towards his neck, kissing it, sucking his skin softly. Robbe couldn’t help but bite his lower lip to try and release the pleasure Sander was making him feel. _Fuck_ , it felt so good. None of the girls he had been with had ever made him feel like this, ever, not even Noor.

Shit. _Noor_.

It was like thinking about her made him come back to his senses. Back to reality, being released from the intense pleasure, being reminded of the life around him and being woken up from the dream that was Sander. He quickly pushed Sander off of him with his hands against his chest, leaving him completely startled.

‘‘I’m sorry,’‘ Robbe stammered.

‘‘I- I shouldn’t have…’‘ he was still standing against the wall sander had pushed him to, trying to catch his breath from the intensity their kiss had been. Sander moved his hand through his bleached hair, readjusting his leather jacket.

‘’Why not?’’ Sander asked, looking Robbe straight into his eyes, clearly being unsettled yet worried about Robbe’s reaction.

‘’Because we’re both dating someone.’’ Robbe said, his voice shaking.

‘’But, I thought that-’’ Before Sander could finish his sentence, he got interrupted by Luca walking around the corner.

‘‘Ugh, that gft stinks. hopla!’‘ she said, as the threw the garbage away. She looked at both Robbe and Sander, trying to understand what was happening in front of her.

‘‘Are you guys okay?’‘ she asked, frowning her eyebrows. Robbe couldn’t get out any words, he was still shaking, not being able to move. He looked at Sander, who looked back at him.

‘‘We’re fine.’‘ Sander said, never breaking eye contact with Robbe. His expression became so numb, angry almost. He shrugged his shoulders and started to walk away, leaving both Robbe and Luca behind. As soon as both of them were out of sight, it was like Robbe was finally able to move again, as if the presence of Sander was like a pause button that was now finally undone.

He felt so confused- _what the hell just happened_?

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Sunday**

It had been a few days since the beach trip. Ever since Robbe got home, the only thing the guys could text about was what happened while they were there. The way Jens couldn’t stop being around Jana, the way Robbe apparently had Noor wrapped around his finger and most importantly, Aaron and Amber. Luckily though, none of them mentioned Sander.

 _Sander_.

Ever since Friday morning happened, Robbe couldn’t think about anything or anyone else. He was on his mind constantly and it drove him completely crazy. His head was a total chaos, but in the midst of all that chaos, every single thought he had, led him back to Sander. It was like being stuck in a room he didn’t know how to get out of. It was driving him insane. He didn’t even want to feel this way. He didn’t want to feel so unbelieveably consumed and alive by a _guy_.

Or did he?

Robbe grabbed his phone, unlocked it, and opened instagram. Maybe if he saw his face once, just once, he’d be cured from all of his thoughts and…

‘’ _ **@earthlingoddity:** I will be king, and you_’’ Fuck. It didn’t cure him from his thoughts at all. It only made it worse. He looked incredible, gorgeous, on every single picture he had posted. But Robbe wouldn’t, couldn’t, get more into this. He couldn’t do it to Noor. Even if he wanted it himself. Shit, no, he didn’t want it himself.

‘’ _ **@brittingelbrecht:** till death do us part_’’ A sting of jealousy screamed through Robbe’s body. Seeing Britt with Sander, more specifically, seeing Sander looking at Britt like that, made him feel sick. Shit. He just made a screenshot. But he wanted to. Seeing Sander’s face made him feel so many things at once. And a screenshot didn’t hurt. It didn’t mean anything.

He felt the bench move as Milan sat down next to him. ‘’Hi,’’ he said with an uninterested tone, continuing his search for a ‘’hot guy’’ on Grindr.

‘’Milan, can I ask you something?’’ Milan looked up from his phone, putting it away next to him, looking at Robbe with surprise. ‘’Sure, what’s up?’’

’So… how do you know if someone’s gay or not?’’ Milan frowned, his eyes twitching.

‘’Why?’’

‘’I don’t know. I mean, you’re always going on about guys being into you, but how are you even sure?’’ Milan shrugged.

‘’Sometimes you just know. It can be anything. Usually I pick on subtle signals. A certain look in their eyes. It’s as if something is trapped inside someone that really wants to get out.’’

Oh, fuck. Robbe’s thoughts went back to the days on the beach trip. Sander looking at him when they had shots even though he was sitting with Britt, Sander feeding him croques at the cabin whilst never breaking eye contact, Sander telling him his smile is expensive, Sander touching him slightly whenever he could, Sander telling him he’s afraid he’ll never find true love, Sander kissing him. Milan was right. Sometimes you just know.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Wednesday**

As Robbe walked towards the bar, he felt Noor’s hand sliding into his. She intertwined her fingers with his right before Robbe opened the door, as if she wanted everyone to know he was taken. For some reason it made him feel ridiculously uncomfortable.

Robbe looked in front of him, scanning the entire bar to find the people they were supposed to meet up with. Noor had told him it was a surprise. Robbe used to love surprises, but for some reason, right now he hated them. She guided him towards one of the tables at the window by his hand, finally revealing who they were meeting up with.

Sander and Britt. Fuck.

He could’ve known.

Robbe looked him right in the eyes. It was the first time he saw him since their kiss. Shit, he finally felt like he had forgotten about it, yet one look in Sander’s eyes brought it all back, immediately, quickly, right onto the surface. If he could, Robbe would’ve gladly disappeared into thin air right now. If only their girlfriends knew.

‘’Hi, Robbe! It’s so nice to see you!’’ Britt smiled, stood up and walked towards him. She hugged him softly and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He could feel Sander’s eyes burning on him. As Britt let go of him, Robbe knew both Noor and Britt expected them to greet each other, but Robbe really didn’t want to. Instead, he just waved at him awkwardly, never looking him right into his eyes, even though he felt Sander’s eyes still burning on his face. Noor gave him a look.

‘’What?’’ Robbe asked, so soft, Noor could barely hear him. She gave him a slight push against his shoulder, as to say: don’t act so stupid. He didn’t want to ruin her night, especially since she planned it as a surprise for him. But he just couldn’t be himself around them. Not with Sander sitting right next to him.

As the evening went on, Robbe became more and more uncomfortable with the whole situation. Everytime Noor smiled at him, he felt a sting inside of his body, feeling so ridiculously guilty for not having told her about anything. If it wasn’t about Noor for once, he could see Britt wrapping her arm around Sander’s neck, giving him kisses on his cheek the entire time. As if her drooling all over him wasn’t bad enough already, Sander continiously looking at Robbe as she was doing it made it even worse. And then Sander. Everytime he extended his arm to get his beer and take a sip of it, he moved his bare arm against Robbe’s softly, their skin touching, reminding him of his presence every five minutes. He took the slightest sips of his beer too, as if he wanted to touch him as much as possible. And everytime he did, the goosebumps on Robbe’s arm became worse. It drove him completely crazy. He just hoped Noor and Britt hadn’t noticed.

‘’Do you guys want another drink?’’ Britt offered, to which Sander nodded immediately.

‘’Okay. Noor, would you want to go with me? I want to get some snacks too, and I’m not sure I can carry it all on my own.’’ Noor smiled and nodded, standing up with her. Robbe’s heart immediately started to beat faster, realising he’d be alone with Sander for a while. Shit. He didn’t want that.

‘’I—I could walk with, too?’’ Robbe insisted with a shaky voice, leaving everyone at their table a little confused. Including Sander.

‘’No, babe, it’s fine. Just stay here. We won’t be long.’’ Noor gave him a kiss on his lips, moved her hand through his hair to mess it up a little and then left the table with Britt, leaving him and Sander completely alone.

‘’So… are you ever gonna stop ignoring me?’’ Sander said suddenly. Robbe didn’t look at him, he just stared forward, watching Britt and Noor getting their drinks, trying to ignore the fact his heart was racing out of nervousness, anxiety almost.

‘’Ignoring you? I am not ignoring you,’’ Robbe answered, taking a sip of the last remaining bit of his beer. He could hear Sander snort.

‘’Right. That’s why you haven’t looked at me once all evening.’’

‘’I did. When we got in.’’ Robbe said steadfast, now finally turning his head to look Sander into his eyes for the first time he sat down next to him.

‘’Happy now?’’ He said, trying to ignore the feeling the look of his eyes gave him. Not just his eyes, his entire face. He looked gorgeous, his bleached hair fell down on his forehead just enough to make him even more handsome. He could see the light hanging above their table twinkling in his eyes, and—shit, why was he even thinking like this?

‘’Robbe, come on. You haven’t replied to my messages, you haven’t looked at me once… what the hell is going on with you?’’

‘’I just didn’t feel like replying.’’

‘’You didn’t _feel_ like it?’’

‘’No.’’

’What the fuck does that mean?’’ Sander moved on his chair a litte, just enough to now be facing Robbe with his entire body. Robbe only now noticed how good he was actually looking. But he didn’t let it distract him.

‘’It means—it means that, I didn’t _want_ to.’’

‘’So you were ignoring me then.’’

‘’I—just, leave it. Okay?’’

‘’Robbe, we can’t ignore what happened forever.’’

‘’Well, I for sure can ignore it right now.’’

‘’Why? Because you’re sitting next to me?’’

‘’No, because our girlfriends are literally standing two feet away from us, and if you don’t mind, I don’t want to ruin my relationship because of some kiss that clearly meant nothing.’’ Sander just stared at him, his eyes not showing off any emotions. It was exactly like last time. Like when they kissed and Luca interrupted them. He became numb, angry almost, as if the light inside of him was shut off. Shit, he didn’t mean that. He didn’t mean to hurt him. He just had no idea what the hell was going on.

‘’I—I’m sorry, I didn’t…’’ He said, as their girlfriends approached them again.

‘’Whatever.’’ As Robbe looked at him, Sander just stared outside of the window, not even caring about Britt sitting down next to him.

‘’Are you okay?’’ She asked, clearly confused by his suddenly weird behaviour. ‘’Yes, I’m fine. Just leave it.’’

‘’You know what, fuck off.’’ Britt stood up, grabbed her jacket and stormed out of the bar. Noor gave Sander a look that said so many things at once. Obvious was that he fucked up. And it was no surprise that he did. Ever since the conversation he had with Robbe, he hadn’t said a word, and if he said anything, it came out as if he didn’t want to be there. Clearly, Britt thought he was being an asshole – which he was – but she had no clue why. To her, he just started acting out for no reason. Which was probably better than knowing the actual reason. If she had known the actual reason he was acting like an idiot, Britt probably wouldn’t have been the only one leaving. This whole situation was so fucked up.

‘’I… I’m just gonna see if she’s okay.’’ Noor stumbled, clearly not being sure whether she had to stay with her boyfriend or go after her best friend. Robbe nodded, giving her the permission she needed to leave him behind. Normally, he wouldn’t have mind Noor leaving at all. He felt different around her, not himself, as if he had to put on a mask everytime he was with her. Every time she left, he felt like he could finally take that mask off and breathe again. And in this case, it actually made sense if she left him. Britt clearly needed her way more than he did. But for once, Robbe didn’t want her to leave at all. He’d be alone with Sander, and that was a situation he really wanted to avoid. As Noor left the bar, Sander made an annoyed noise. At first, Robbe wasn’t sure if this was because of Britt, or because he felt the same way about staying alone with him.

‘’She is so controlling…’’ So it was about Britt.

‘’What do you mean?’’ Robbe asked, intrigued by him calling Britt anything else than ‘’pretty’’. That’s all Jens ever said about her, anyway.

‘’It’s like… I can’t be myself around her. Whenever she’s around, I just cannot breathe. She wants me to do stuff I don’t like, she wants me to skip hanging out with my friends because she thinks they are ‘’bad’’ for me,‘’ Robbe swallowed, blinking his eyes rapidly. Sander just described his relationship with Britt the exact same way Robbe just thought about his relationship with Noor. They were so alike, it actually made him shiver.

‘’She doesn’t want me to smoke or drink, either. She says it’s all bad for my- never mind.’’ He looked at his beer, not once finding Robbe’s eyes. The look in his eyes was numb, almost a bit sad. It was pretty obvious his relationship with Britt made him feel so many bad feelings at once, feelings he probably didn’t and couldn’t share with anyone.

‘’Why are you so quiet?’’ Sander asked, finally looking up at Robbe for the first time since their talk earlier tonight. Robbe shrugged and didn’t answer him. He didn’t know what. So he decided to just stay silent.

It felt like hours had passed. In reality, it had only been half an hour. They both had been silent, just staring at their beers, trying to prevent eye contact. As if things weren’t awkward enough already. But they both didn’t know what to say. Robbe probably shouldn’t bring up Britt, that subject would be way too sensitive right now. But what else? Everything in his head led back to their kiss at the cabin. It’s like he couldn’t make himself think about anything else when he was around him. But he didn’t want to discuss it. Not now, and preferably not ever. His life was enough of a mess already, and he couldn’t make it even worse. After minutes that felt like hours, Sander finally broke the awkward silence.

‘’Can I maybe lend your phone for a sec? I should probably text Britt to see if she’s okay.’’ Robbe frowned, not being sure where the sudden change of heart came from. Sander clearly didn’t feel comfortable around Britt. It was probably him just trying to be a good boyfriend and all.

‘’Uh… yeah, sure.’’ He got his phone out of his pocket, handing it to him. Their fingers touched slightly, giving Robbe goosebumps all over his body. The influence this guy had on him was crazy.

‘’Thanks.’’ Sander stood up from his stool and started walking into the direction of the bathrooms. Just when Robbe thought he could breathe again, finally having a moment where he was alone, Sander turned around, walking back towards him.

‘’What’s your code? Your phone is locked.’’

‘’It’s 2332.’’ Robbe answered, not even realizing Sander knew his password now. Sander nodded and gave him a little smile as he started to walk away again, and finally disappeared behind the bathroom’s door.

Robbe sighed. Sander had tried to call Britt, but as soon as she heard his voice, she hung up the phone straight away. As he saw him sitting there on his bar stool next to him, sipping away the last remaining bits of his beer, he couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. After all, the whole fight with Britt was mostly his fault. If he hadn’t been such a dick to Sander earlier, he probably wouldn’t have acted out on her the way he did. As Robbe studied Sander’s face, a smile appeared on his own. He looked gorgeous, incredibly handsome, as if this all came natural to him. It made him think back about their moment at the cabin again- but this time, he didn’t mind. Because he thought about how good it made him feel. Robbe actually felt alive in that moment. A feeling he hadn’t experienced in a long time. As Robbe’s smile turned bigger, he stood up, took the last sip of his beer and put on his jacket. Sander looked at him confused, his brows furrowed.

‘’What are you doing?’’ He asked, finally reconnecting their eyes, having no clue what Robbe was intending.

‘’We’re going somewhere else.’’

‘’Where?’’ Sander’s eyes twinkled, something Robbe hadn’t seen for a long time tonight. He was starting to get hopeful, excited.

‘’You’ll see. Come.’’ As Robbe walked towards the entrance of the bar, Sander stood up immediately to follow his lead.

Sander had no idea where they were, but Robbe came here all the time. It was his safe place, his escape from reality. He always went here with his best friends, too. Him and Jens came here for years already, and since a few years Moyo and Aaron joined them too. But Robbe came here alone sometimes as well. It was the park on the west side of Antwerp, a park that was always extremely quiet if you came there after 8pm, for some reason. The quiet gave Robbe peace, it gave him space in his head to think about stuff other than the shit in his life. It gave him space to come back to himself and his happiness. But now, they weren’t there for him. They were there for Sander. They hadn’t said a word to each other on the way there. He wasn’t sure if that was because of the awkward feeling among them, or just because they both didn’t know where to start. Because they weren’t friends. They weren’t t acquiantances. They never could be. They were just… something. Something Robbe couldn’t explain even if he tried to. Robbe led them to the side of the park, climbing up the wall that separated the park from the Schelde. As he made himself comfortable, he watched Sander look around, taking in the place Robbe took him to. He grinned lightly, being both confused and overwhelmed by the fact Robbe took him to somewhere peaceful and quiet. Somewhere he didn’t know he needed.

‘’So… why did you take me here?’’ He asked, breaking the silence, being so curious as to why Robbe took him to this place in specific. He could’ve taken him literally anywhere, yet he decided to take him here.

‘’Because I noticed you felt like shit. And I always come here when I feel like shit.’’ Sander snorted.

‘’Thoughtful.’’ He put his hands on the wall Robbe sat on, making himself jump onto it, too. As he settled down next to Robbe, he couldn’t help but smile. He actually noticed how he felt. It wasn’t that special, because it must have been obvious. But still. Robbe cared enough to notice. And that made the difference.

‘’So what do you do then? To make yourself feel better?’’ Robbe looked up at Sander, being a bit surprised by his question. He hadn’t really expected him talking to him at all, considering the way the vibe around them was all night. Also, considering the way Robbe acted all night. Out of all things, he deserved Sander ignoring him and being mad at him. But he wasn’t. In fact, he was even trying to start a conversation with him. Something Robbe couldn’t resist.

‘’I just… look around. I take in the people, the surroundings. I start to realize that life isn’t that bad. There’s so many people in this world who have it way worse than I do. Than we do.’’ It stayed silent for a while. Robbe could see Sander smile. Sander looked up, locking their eyes together. Normally, Robbe would’ve been too scared to continue looking at him, too scared of Sander finding out he didn’t want to stop. But right now, he wasn’t. So they just sat there. Smiling at each other with no other sound than the water moving beneath them. It reminded Robbe of their moment at the cabin, when they were making croques together. Just them, no others, no hard feelings, getting to know each other in peace. That is what this was, too. And Robbe didn’t know a better feeling.

‘’You see that building over there?’’ Robbe continued, finally breaking the contact with Sander’s eyes, now looking at the building right in front of them, across the Schelde. ‘’You notice how the entire building is filled up with art, except for that one wall? It’s as if… as if they forgot about it. Or-- maybe there’s a reason it isn’t filled. Maybe it’s being reserved for someone or something. Or maybe it’s special for some reason. I don’t know.’’ As Robbe finished his sentence, he didn’t even notice he was rambling. His feet were bungling off the side of the wall they sat on, constantly making them tap against each other. He was sitting on his hands, his gaze completely focused on the empty wall on the building, as if nothing else mattered for a second. And Sander was completely amazed by it. By him. Where Robbe couldn’t stop staring at the building, Sander couldn’t stop staring at the brunette next to him.

‘’Anyway… it makes me realize there’s so much shit we don’t know or aren’t sure of. We can overthink about stuff all we want, but it isn’t gonna make stuff any easier. We don’t know everything and we can’t possibly know everything. Why worry about tomorrow when you don’t even know what today will bring you?’’ Robbe said, still being caught up in his own thoughts.

‘”Wow. I didn’t know you were this deep.’’ Sander added, breaking the complete isolation of his thoughts Robbe had been in for about a minute. Robbe shook his head, readjusting the bit of hair that fell down on his forehead. He hadn’t realized he had been rambling, sharing his deepest thoughts, but for some reason, with Sander they just flew out of him. He just couldn’t hold back.

‘’Yeah… sorry. Is it a bad thing?’’ He asked, not being sure if Sander felt the same.

‘’It isn’t. Don’t be sorry. I actually really like it. I guess you just helped me realize I should stop worrying so much and just… live now.’’ Sander answered, making Robbe laugh.

‘’And you’re calling _me_ deep? Look at you with your damn quotes.’’ Sander pretended to be shocked. His mouth dropped open, his eyes went wide. Robbe couldn’t help but laugh out loud.

‘’Hey! They are good quotes.’’

‘’You wish.’’ Robbe said softly, snorting after finishing his sentence. Sander pushed him against his arm, making both Robbe and himself giggle from excitement. They actually were good quotes, though. It was one of the endless things that made Sander so incredibly interesting. It was one of the endless reasons Robbe couldn’t get him out of his head, no matter how hard he tried. Sander was so mysterious yet so fascinating, it made him want to know everything about him. The way he walked, the way he talked, the way he just was. Everything about him was a mystery to him, a puzzle Robbe wanted to solve so badly, yet it was a puzzle Robbe didn’t dare to start. Because if he started it, there was no way back. And his life was enough of a mess as it was right now already.

‘’I—eh… I have to tell you something.’’ Sander suddenly said, releasing Robbe from his thoughts once again. He wanted to tell him something? Shit, was he gonna bring up their kiss at the cabin right now? For once, he had actually forgotten about that.

‘’Okay.’’ Robbe swallowed, his ‘’okay’’ sounding hoarse from the lump in his throat. The nerves were suddenly killing him. ‘’Earlier tonight, when I asked for your phone?’’ Sander started. Robbe nodded, not being sure where this was going.

‘’When I unlocked it, it was still on your gallery and eh… I saw some of your photos.’’

‘’Okay…’’

‘’And I—I accidentally saw some of the screenshots you made. Of my Instagram profile.’’ Shit. _He had not_.

‘’Oh my— _fuck_ , I am so sorry you had to see that, you must feel so creeped out right now, I—‘’ Robbe started rambling, hiding himself behind his hands, being creeped out by himself. Obviously, those screenshots were supposed to stay _his, private_ , he never expected Sander to actually see them. Fuck, he was so stupid. He should’ve unlocked his phone himself instead of letting Sander do it. Why did Sander have to make his mind such a chaotic mess everytime he was around? He couldn’t even think of the most simple things.

‘’No, I don’t. I actually thought it was really cute.’’ Robbe looked up, taking his hands away from his face, not hiding behind his shame anymore. Wait, what?

‘’You think me stalking you on Instagram is cute?’’ He asked surprised, looking at Sander with full disbelief in his eyes. Sander shrugged.

’Nah, you’re right. It’s actually really creepy. I feel so uncomfortable right now. That’s exactly why I’m sitting so close next to you. Yeah, that makes sense.’’ Robbe’s disbelief changed into a huge smile, one he couldn’t contain, a smile that only Sander could put on his face. Ever since Robbe met him, he was introduced to a new kind of happiness, a kind that Robbe couldn’t explain, a kind where Robbe felt himself almost lifting up from the ground because he felt so alive.

‘’You’re so annoying.’’ He replied, the big smile never fading away from his face. Something Sander definitely noticed. He actually had the exact same smile covering his entire face. It was a smile that gave Robbe butterflies all through his body, a smile that made him want to do things he normally never would.

‘’Me? Annoying?’’

‘’Yeah.’’

‘’You haven’t even seen the best yet.’’ Sander stood up, now standing on the wall, rising far above Robbe. He spread his arms and opened his mouth. ‘’Sander, what are you—‘’

‘’ROBBE IJZERMANS STALKED MY INSTAGRAM PROFILE!’’ He was screaming, so loud, Robbe could hear the echo even ten seconds later. Robbe’s mouth fell open from surprise.

‘’Sander!’’ He looked up at the bleached guy, who was now also looking down at him. He laughed out loud with his hands on his stomach, not being able to stop. He enjoyed the look on Robbe’s face way too much. He turned around again, facing the Schelde, putting his hands next to his mouth, and screamed:

‘’AND I DID THE EXACT SAME TO HIM!’’ He turned around, back to facing Robbe, and kneeled down next to him. ‘’Wait—you did?’’ Robbe asked softly, being more surprised from what Sander had said than how he had said it, as the guy’s face came closer towards his.

‘’Does that surprise you?’’ He asked, in the same soft way as Robbe asked him. Robbe sat still, not being sure what to reply. Sander swallowed, clearly being nervous for Robbe’s reply. Robbe couldn’t do anything else than nod. It did surprise him. Even after everything they went through. Even after Sander wanting to talk to him about everything they went through. He still couldn’t believe Sander was interested in him that much, enough to look him up in his free time, enough to even think about him at all. Sander put his hand on Robbe’s right shoulder, moving it down to his wrist, taking his right hand from beneath his leg. He grabbed it and stood up, intending Robbe to do the same.

‘’What are we doing?’’ Robbe asked confused, them now both standing on the wall next to the Schelde. It kind of scared him. They didn’t have that much to drink, but the Schelde was still quite deep and this wall they stood on was extremely high.

‘’We’re letting go.’’ Sander said, but never letting go of Robbe’s hand.

‘’Here, watch and learn.’’ Sander turned around again, facing the Schelde, but still not letting go of Robbe.

‘’I FUCKING HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO SEE MY FRIENDS!’’ He yelled, clearly screaming out his frustrations towards Britt. And it made Robbe curious. Because it actually seemed to work. Sander looked more chill, more released from his frustrations, more himself. And it wouldn’t hurt to give it a try.

‘’I FUCKING HATE HAVING TO BE ACCESSIBLE THE ENTIRE TIME!’’ Robbe screamed, louder than he thought he could. He hated how Noor wanted him to have his phone with him the entire time, to reply to her messages right away when she sent them, to pick up her calls, even when he wasn’t able to. It made him go crazy, it made him feel locked up in his own relationship. Sander smiled at him, proudly, still holding his hand, giving it a light squeeze which made Robbe shiver from head to toe.

‘’And? Did it help?’’ He asked, to which Robbe nodded immediately. It actually did help. Robbe didn’t only feel better, he felt so alive, his body was full of energy, energy he didn’t know he had inside of him.

‘’I FUCKING HATE HAVING TO HIDE WHAT I REALLY WANT!’’ Sander suddenly screamed, leaving Robbe startled. He didn’t expect him to continue. But he definitely didn’t expect him screaming it into his face. Because while he screamed into the Schelde with his past frustrations, he didn’t break eye contact with Robbe during this entire sentence. He didn’t even blink once.

‘’What is it that you want?’’ Robbe asked softly, looking up at the bleached guy who was a head taller than him. It made him feel slightly intimidated, but in a good way. A really good way. For a minute, they just stood there, looking each other in the eyes, the sound around them being completely irrelevant, disappearing almost.

‘’I think you know what I want.’’ Sander said, his words coming out hoarse. Robbe swallowed.

''Do you still think we can ignore us forever?'' Robbe shivered by his use of the word ''us''. Of course they couldn't. It had taken Sander one look to completely change his mind. Right now, he was all Robbe wanted. Needed. _Craved_. The tease Sander was pulling on him right now was tremendous. But before he could answer, Sander’s lips crashed against his. He put his right hand on the back of Robbe’s head, putting his left on his waist, pulling him closer towards him with both. He kissed him as if it was the only thing he had been craving ever since their first kiss at the cabin. And it had been. Their lips moved against each other as if they had done this forever. He put his fingers in Robbe’s hair, pulling it slightly, making Robbe whine. Sander smiled against his lips, moving his tongue against his lower lip to gain access. Their kiss was rough, passionate, the kiss they had both wanted for days. As Robbe felt Sander’s hand disappear underneath his shirt a little, he lost his balance from being taken completely off guard, grabbing Sander’s arms to not fall off the wall.

‘’Shit,’’ Robbe said, trying to maintain his balance by holding Sander even closer. He didn’t even realize he was basically clinging onto him like some sort of koala right now. He looked up, catching Sander staring at him with the biggest smile. He let go of Robbe and jumped off of the wall, grabbing Robbe’s hand and taking him off too. He started running, taking Robbe with him.

‘’What are we doing?’’ Robbe yelled, trying to keep up with Sander’s incredible pace.

‘’Come!’’ Sander yelled back to him, taking him across the bridge, pushing open a fence, them ending up at the one empty wall Robbe had talked about.

‘’ _Sander!_ This is private property.’’ Robbe told him with a loud whisper, but Sander didn’t listen.

‘’You said they kept this wall empty for something special, right?’’ He asked whilst walking towards the building, intertwining his fingers with Robbe’s. Robbe nodded. Sander let go of his hand and grabbed him by his waist with both hands, pushing him against the one empty wall Robbe had described. He walked closer to him, making their foreheads touch, his hands still holding his waist. Robbe was so small inside his arms, that his hands basically held his entire upper body.

‘’I guess that ‘’something special’’ is you.’’ He whispered, making their noses touch. Robbe could feel his knees getting weak, the influence Sander had on him reaching its peak. Robbe grabbed Sander’s leather jacket with both hands, pulling him as close to him as possible, completely forgetting about any thought against Sander he ever had, completely forgetting about anything that could stop him from wanting him, as he pulled him in for another kiss. Sander put one hand against the wall behind Robbe’s head, the other slowly moving to Robbe’s back, pushing his lower body against Robbe’s, releasing a moan from both of them. As Sander’s tongue continued to move around Robbe’s, Robbe let his both hands disappear underneath Sander’s shirt, touching his hot skin with his cold, skinny fingers. It made Sander shiver, something that produced a pleased smile from Robbe against his lips. Sander’s kisses went from his lips, down to his cheek, to his jaw, all the way to his neck. Robbe pulled his bleached hair, making Sander whine against the skin in his neck. ‘’Fuck, Robbe.’’ Robbe couldn’t explain how good this made him feel. Sander’s left hand travelled from Robbe’s hand towards the front of his belt whilst he slightly pulled the skin in Robbe's neck with his lips. As Robbe bit his lower lip to release the pleasure Sander made him feel, he could hear someone approaching them in the distance.

”What the fuck are you guys doing here? Fuck off!’’ Someone screamed from behind them. Sander quickly let go of Robbe, looking around him.

‘’ _Shit_ ,’’ he said, grabbing Robbe’s hand as they started to run away from the property.


	2. Chapter 2: E5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter roughly follows the storyline of episode 5. i hope you enjoy :)

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**Thursday**

Robbe woke up from the sound of his alarm going off. He turned around, grabbed his phone and shut off the most annoying sound he knew. He quickly checked his phone for messages.

Wednesday, 22:01

 **Noor:** _hey, i'm sorry for leaving like that. are you home yet?_

Wednesday, 23:13

 **Noor:** _babe? are you still with sander?_

Thursday, 00:24

 **Noor:** _robbe??? are you ok???_

Fuck. He had forgotten all about Noor. As soon as he had gotten home, he had locked himself up in his room and gone to bed. Last night had been a rollercoaster. A rollercoaster of happenings, a rollercoaster of feelings. First Britt and Sander having a fight, then Britt leaving, Noor going after her, leaving Robbe all alone with Sander. 

_Sander_.

Robbe quickly looked at his phone again, scrolling through the rest of his notifications. Instagram, Facebook, messages from Jens (''brooo, I can't believe you ditched me and let me eat fries on my own last night bc you wanted to hang with noor. next time you pay for both of us to repair the emotional damage''), messages from Milan (''wait, did you know we have a mailbox?''). But nothing from Sander. 

He tossed his phone aside, grabbed his pillow from under his head and covered his entire face with it to try and mute his groan. Last night had been a rollercoaster. A rollercoaster of happenings, a rollercoaster of feelings. First Robbe taking Sander to his safe place, then Sander screaming shit into the Schelde, it all leading to them kissing, yet again. And just like last time, Robbe felt... strange. He didn't know how to feel. He felt ashamed, he felt guilty, but most of all: he felt different. And that was an emotion he didn't know yet, so he also had no clue what to do with it. It was all new to him- Sander, kissing a guy, wanting to be with a guy, feeling... like this. A feeling nobody but Sander gave him. Because even though he felt strange, he had never felt more alive than right now. His entire mind was a rollercoaster he didn't know how to get out of.

And then after their kiss, things had been... odd.

For the first time, Robbe had actually given in to wanting him, wanting to kiss him, wanting to feel him. He didn't pull back like the first time, he didn't even think about Noor once. This time, it was Sander who held back. When they ran away from the property, Robbe had expected Sander to at least bring him home- but he didn't. They walked to their bikes, and Sander just... left. No kiss goodbye, no hug goodbye, not even an awkward wave. All he said was ''So... see you later?'' to which Robbe had nodded whilst not saying anything, mostly out of confusion, having no clue why Sander was acting the way he did. 

Robbe could scream into his pillow out of frustration. He didn't, because Milan and Zoë were both home and he wasn't in the mood for questions. So he got up, put on some quick, comfy clothes, and walked towards the kitchen.

''Rough night?'' Zoë asked as he walked in, clearly noticing the state Robbe was in. He hadn't slept all night, his thoughts going all over the place. He had been thinking for _hours,_ yet all of this still didn't make any sense to him.

''Uh... I suppose. Why?'' 

''Nothing. It's just... Noor stepped by.'' Robbe swallowed. Shit, yet again he had forgotten all about her. He forgot to reply to her messages, too. 

''She was looking for you. She came by to see if you were home yet... but you weren't. She told me about what happened. Were you still hanging out with Sander?'' Um, yeah. We casually went to a place I visit on my own all the time, talking about deep feelings and emotions and shit like everyone does all the time and we ended up eating each other's faces in the process. But yeah, we were just ''hanging out'', nothing special.

''Yeah, we just had a few beers.'' Zoë continued to look at him, not saying anything, as if she was trying to read his emotions. Why did she always have to know what was going on? Couldn't she mind her own _damn_ business, just this once?

''Right. Anyways, I think you should give Noor a call. To let her know you're home, and all.'' Robbe rolled with his eyes, being annoyed with Zoë trying to mend in his business yet again. He knew she meant well, but it wasn't like Robbe was a child who didn't know what to do. If he had wanted advice, he'd have asked for it. So he just shrugged, grabbed some cornflakes, milk and a bowl to put it into, and walked back to his room. He grabbed his phone from his mattress, unlocking it with the code Sander now knew too, dialing Noor's phone number. 

''Robbe?''

''Hey, it's me. I'm sorry for not texting you back. My phone died.'' It did not. But it wasn't like he could say he didn't see her messages because he was too busy making out with Sander. And this wasn't the first time he lied to her, either. She texted him all the time, continuously, sometimes it made him crazy. He didn't joke around last night when he screamed he wished he didn't have to be as accessible the entire time. She gave him zero space, not when she was with him, not when she was not. So Robbe turned into the king of excuses. My phone died, I was visiting my mom, I was cooking with Zoë, Milan needed fashion advice. He could go on for hours.

''So how did things go with Britt?'' He asked, quickly continuing the conversation to avoid any chance of Noor doubting his excuse.

''She was a mess last night. You have no idea how much of a burden Sander can be sometimes.'' Robbe frowned. Wait, Britt called Sander ''a burden''? She couldn't be serious. If anything, she must have been a burden to him. Or at least, that's how Sander had described Britt last night. 

''Did you and him talk about Britt at all?'' 

''Uh... not really. We just had a few beers and then went back. I- I fell asleep right when I got home. Sorry.'' He heard Noor laugh at the other end of the line. 

''It's okay, nothing I'm not used to.'' And she was right. Robbe did this all the time. Going home, saying he fell asleep, saying his phone died. He didn't _always_ lie about it, he actually did fall asleep right away sometimes. But he never checked her messages. Not if he didn't have to.

''And how is Britt doing now?'' 

''She's okay. They're okay, actually. Sander apparently visited her last night, late after I went home. She told me they made up.'' Robbe swallowed. So _that's_ where Sander went after their time together? After something that felt so special? After something that felt so personal, so connecting? After kissing him passionately, against a wall, he just... went back to his girlfriend to make up with her? Is that why he acted the way he did? Because Robbe ended up not being good enough, not being what he'd expected him to be? Did he act so weird so suddenly because he regretted it all, wanting to go to Britt so badly, forgetting it all ever happened? Fucking hell. Sander was playing some kind of game and Robbe fell for it. Hard.

''Robbe?''

''Hm?''

''Are you okay? You're so quiet.'' Robbe shook his head. He had gotten caught up in his own thoughts that much, that he had forgotten to listen to Noor at all. Just like he had been thinking so much last night, too much to even notice Noor had messaged him several times.

''I'm fine. I just... I have to go. I'll call you later.'' He hung up the phone quickly, tossing it away on his mattress yet again. He covered his face with his hands and let out a sigh. Why did he have to get himself into this shit? First kissing Sander when he easily could've held back, then trying to push him away but not succeeding for longer than a few days, then comforting him at the bar, then taking him to his safe place, then kissing him _yet again_. How could he even be mad at Sander at this point, when he could've easily held back himself? This wasn't Sander's fault. This was his own fault. 

He grabbed his phone yet again, unlocking it with the same code, the code Sander knew, only now seeing he'd gotten a message from him. Five minutes ago.

Thursday, 9:22

 **Sander:** _Can't stop thinking about last night. About you. When will I see you again?_

Well fuck. He _could_ be mad at Sander. And hell, he suddenly was. Anger boiled up underneath his skin. At first, Robbe thought that maybe he hadn't been good enough, special enough. That he had been a mistake. That he had thrown himself at him, something he did himself, something Sander just couldn't refuse in the heat of the moment. Sander going back to his girlfriend seemed to make sense. But now, suddenly it didn't anymore. It wasn't Robbe's fault. He hadn't thrown himself at him, it was Sander who had kissed him first. Both times. It was Sander screaming he wanted him. It was Sander wanting to talk about it, saying they couldn't forget about what happened. Robbe couldn't have held back, and Sander knew it. And Sander enjoyed it. Sander wanted it, too. Though, he still went back to Britt, even though he clearly felt the same.

 _Can't stop thinking about last night. About you._ Robbe's finger slid to Sander's name, pressing it with his thumb, scrolling down his profile. He held still for a moment, his finger lingering above the word '' _block_ ''. Part of him didn't want to. He didn't want Sander out of his life. Sander made him feel things he hadn't felt with anyone. Being with Sander made being with anyone else irrelevant. He consumed him, literally, and Robbe knew that as soon as he'd see Sander again, he'd probably regret his decision, hell, he'd probably not even remember it. But for now, he decided to go with the part of him that _did_ want to block him. The part of him that was angry, the part of him that still remained some self-respect. He had all the right to block him. To be mad at him. He had all the right to ask Sander for an explanation, and Sander had all the right to give it to him. But he didn't want to hear it. Because he knew that if he would, he'd forgive him right away.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Friday**

Robbe parked his bike at the front of his house, locking it, readjusting his headphones on his head. He put the keys of his bike in the front pocket of his bag, being completely caught up in the music coming out of his headphones. ''Joaquim'' by Oscar and the Wolf was playing. The words _''You let me down''_ echoed through his ears. The past day, Robbe had been listening to emo music the entire time. He was such a desperate mess. He didn't want to think about Sander, yet he listened to music that made him. He just couldn't shake him. The only thing that had been succesful, was avoiding him. He hadn't seen him all day, which was quite an achievement for Robbe. The first few days of the week, he'd seen Sander picking up Britt from school. He'd seen him waiting for her at the bus stop, him casually leaning against it, one hand in his pocket, minding his own business on his phone whilst listening to music, Bowie, probably. He never noticed Robbe, but Robbe had noticed him. Before the beach trip though, he had never seen him. The bus stop had always been empty. Nobody was picking up Britt. It made Robbe wonder if Sander showed up to pick up Britt, just to have a reason to see him. But he never looked at him when he was waiting. He just... stood there.

Just before Robbe could step inside of the flatshare, he was taken out of his thoughts by the touch of a hand on his shoulder. Startled for a second, he quickly turned around, pushing his headphones away from his ears. He looked up and down, taking in the appearance of the guy with tanned skin, wearing a leather jacket and combat boots.

Sander.

''Hey.'' Robbe scanned him, taking him in, not saying anything back. He couldn't. It was like he was frozen out of shock. It might sound exaggerated, but he literally couldn't move. He hadn't expected to see Sander, let alone in front of his doorstep. Sander quickly seemed to notice Robbe wasn't gonna reply anytime soon.

''Why did you block me?'' He asked, looking at Robbe with a big smile on his face. Why was he smiling? Was this all a joke to him? A game he enjoyed so much, he didn't care to hurt Robbe in the process? Either way, Robbe wasn't okay with it.

''Leave me alone.'' Robbe started to turn around to walk into the flatshare and to leave Sander behind, but he couldn't, as a hand on his arm was holding him back, turning him around to yet again to face the bleached haired guy.

''Robbe, what's wrong?''

''I said, leave me alone.'' They looked each other in the eyes, neither of them blinking. It was like a staring contest, seeing which one of them would move first. As much as Robbe wanted to turn around and walk away, suddenly he wasn't able to, like being completely locked up in the gaze Sander was giving him.

''But... wasn't yesterday-''

''Don't act as if you don't know what you've done.'' 

They both spoke at the same time, but Robbe won, taking over the lead in the conversation, being the one who spoke louder. It stayed silent for a second, Sander clearly having to take in what Robbe just said.

''What did I do?''

''Are you serious? Are you really gonna act as if you know nothing? As if _I_ know nothing?'' Sander swallowed, the emotion in his eyes turning worried, scared almost. He obviously knew what Robbe was implying.

''So first you want to talk stuff through, even though I didn't want to. Then, you persuade me to give into it by kissing me at a place you made me feel good enough about to take you to, then you push me against a wall all passionately, literally telling me I'm special, and then you take me to our bikes, you ride off without as much as a goodbye and you just went back to Britt's, making up with her? Making _out_ with her?'' 

It was the first time Sander broke their eye contact. He looked down at Robbe's shoes, then at his own. He swallowed again, moving his hand through his hair. He was uncomfortable, he was nervous. He didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to do. He knew he had fucked up, but he didn't know Robbe knew, too.

''Listen, Sander...'' He quickly looked up again, locking their eyes with each other. Something which gave Robbe shivers, even though the anger was still flowing through his body.

''It's okay if you're confused. I am, too. But I don't want to be the one who gets hurt. I don't deserve that.'' Sander nodded, coughing a little bit to try and make the lump in his throat disappear.

''But, Robbe-'' His voice came out hoarse.

''Just... leave me alone. Okay?'' And finally, Sander let go. His hand slid down Robbe's arm, ending up next to his body. He sighed, nodded, and before Robbe could be the first to turn around and walk away, Sander already did. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Monday**

It had been three days. Three days since he had last seen Sander. He had expected him to reach out to him. He reached out to him after their first kiss, too, even though Robbe clearly didn't want him to. But this time, he hadn't. He hadn't texted, he hadn't called. He hadn't heard anything from him. All day today, Robbe had been loathing the end of the school day. Usually he'd be happy to go home, but now, leaving school meant seeing Sander waiting for Britt at the bus stop. Even though Sander never noticed him, Robbe still wasn't looking forward to it. Because he didn't want to see him, either. He had thought of ways to make sure he wouldn't have to see Sander. They could take the different exit, Jens could walk in front of him and cover him, or he could literally go all the way and make Moyo, Aaron _and_ Jens walk in front of him, creating some kind of fort to protect him from his worst enemy Sander. But that was probably a bit too much. Next to that, he hadn't even told the guys about Sander yet. All of them, especially Moyo, were still way too excited about his relationship with Noor. So excited, it made Robbe think they wouldn't accept and/or understand him breaking up with her, let alone for someone else, let alone for a _guy_. 

And he had tried to live up to their expectations. After he had basically ''dumped'' Sander, he suddenly felt the urge more than ever to make things work with Noor. It _had_ to work, it was impossible for him to just be in love with Sander. People fall in and out of love all the time, so why wouldn't it work the same with Noor? On Saturday, he'd met up met Jens to ask him for advice. Long story short, he'd told him to not worry and to just go for it. Noor wanted to have sex with him all the time, so why wouldn't he just do it? Like Jens said, it wasn't that big of a deal. People do it all the time. And especially with Noor, it shouldn't be that nervewrecking since she had way more experience than him. She knew what to do. She knew how to make him feel things. Or at least, he'd hoped.

So that's what he did. He tried to have sex with her on Saturday night. But it didn't work. Things weren't messy at all, they weren't awkward either, like Jens had implied they would. Things went smoothly, _way_ too smoothly. It was like Robbe had done this a thousand times before. But then when he actually had to _do_ _it_ with her, when the build up had already lasted way too long, he just... couldn't. Because she didn't turn him on at all. Not her body, not her words, not even the build up. _Nothing_. And then Robbe felt like pure _shit_. Because he gave her the feeling like it was her fault. Because he gave her the feeling she wasn't good enough. Because he gave her the feeling yet again he was into her. But the biggest reason of all was that the entire time they were trying to do it, Robbe could only think of one thing.

 _Sander_.

He'd even put on Bowie music. Like, _what the fuck_? How desperate was he? How _stupid_ was he? He had literally set up trying to have sex with Noor, trying to have his first time, whilst playing Bowie music and expecting not to think about Sander. He was such an idiot. For trying with Noor, for the entire night, for _still_ thinking about Sander, even when he was about to do his own girlfriend for the first time. Even when Sander was probably doing his own girlfriend at the same time. _Fuck_.

Then on Sunday, he had done something he should've done a long time ago: he broke up with Noor. Which made him feel even shittier, because she obviously thought it was because of their ''first time failure'' the night before. But it wasn't. It wasn't her fault, she wasn't doing anything wrong. Robbe on the other hand, had been lying to her and leading her on for way too long. Even if he didn't want to be with anyone else, most definitely not with Sander, he didn't want to be with her anymore, either. So he cut it off. He cut it off saying he needed time for himself, to '' _think''_. It wasn't exactly a lie, because he did actually want space. But even when breaking up with her, he wasn't being completely honest. Something he hated himself for, but something he was fully aware of doing. If he had told her the truth about him and Sander right away, it would've probably hurt her even more than the break up itself already did. 

And then Sunday evening happened. Robbe hadn't heard from Sander in two days. No messages, no calls, nothing. The only thing Robbe hadn't checked, was Sander's Spotify. Last Wednesday, just before he had gone to the bar with Noor and the surprise duo, Sander had sent him a playlist of Bowie songs. ''The beginner playlist'', as he had called it. Robbe had refused to listen to it after he had found out about him and Britt Thursday morning. But then, after his talk with Sander on Friday, for some reason he couldn't make himself stop listening to it. Sander actually leaving him alone made him crazy. Sander _listening_ to him made him crazy. The thought of Sander moving on from him made him _insane_. Even though Robbe had told him to leave him alone and even though Robbe hated him for going back to Britt, he couldn't shake the feeling of missing him. And the only thing he had left of Sander right now was his Bowie playlist. The one he made especially for him. So he listened to it everywhere: underneath the shower, on his way to school, on his way to hang out with the guys, while he was skating with Jens in the skatepark. He listened to it all the time, even when he'd rather not want to. And then yesterday, when Robbe had opened his playlist yet again to give it another listen, he saw Sander had added a new song to it. '' _Something In The Air_ ''. So Robbe listened to it. All evening. '' _Lived with the best time, left with the worst_ ''. Robbe couldn't help but feel like Sander knew he was listening. And he probably did.

And then there was today.

Robbe ended up leaving the school through the exit they always took, the exit where he would eventually see Sander casually lean against the bus stop, one hand in his pocket, the other holding his phone, listening to music, Bowie, probably. But he wasn't there today. The bus stop was empty. Just like it always had been before the beach trip. Robbe saw Britt leave with her bike, but he never saw Sander anywhere. Not at the bus stop, not inside of the school, nowhere around it. He just didn't show up. 

And now he was sitting at his safe place, just not alone or with Sander this time. Today, he visited the spot with his friends, playing football and having a laugh. Robbe didn't join them, though. He was sitting on a bench at the side of the football field, playing with his phonecase, tapping his shoes against each other constantly. He couldn't stop thinking about Sander. Why wasn't he there today? Did Robbe saying ''leave me alone'' make him believe he actually wasn't allowed to come near to him at all? Not even when he was there to pick up Britt? Or was Robbe right all this time, about Sander being there everyday just to have a reason to see him, which he now didn't anymore? It gave him goosebumps all over his body. Sander had actually listened to him, Sander was giving him the space he'd asked for, leaving him alone, something Noor never did and would've never done. Without realizing, Robbe actually had a grin on his face. _Fucking hell_ , Robbe's thoughts went all over the place.

He looked up from a hand tapping on his shoulder. It was Jens.

''Hey, everything ok, bro?'' He asked, settling himself down next to Robbe on the bench.

''Yeah. I was just texting my mom.'' He wasn't. Back at it again with the excuses. He even used them on his best friend now. It annoyed him so much that he lied, even to his closest friends. The worst part was that it wasn't even Sander's fault. As much as he wanted it to be, it wasn't. As much as he didn't want to admit to it, it was Robbe's own fault that he didn't just tell his friends the truth. The only person Robbe had told, was Milan. And he had accepted it. He had accepted him. He had even given Robbe advice, he had told him he would be there for him through the entire process of coming out. He was an actual support to him, it was the best reaction he could've possibly gotten. And as Robbe thought back about Milan's reaction, for once, Robbe actually felt the need to be honest with his friends, too.

''I, eh... I have to tell you something.'' He started, his voice shaking. Jens frowned, looking at him with worry in his eyes. ''What is it?''

''I broke up with Noor.'' It came out shakier and much faster than Robbe had intended. He was an actual mess. Maybe it was a good thing he was about to tell Jens. He'd finally have his best friend to get him out of the mess he was in. That was if he'd have a good reaction, though. He could also still hate him for it, or be disgusted by it. Fuck, he already started to regret this.

''You did _what_? Why?'' Robbe didn't know whether Jens was mad, disappointed or confused. It sounded like a mixture of all three.

''Because I- I have been seeing someone else.'' It came out even shakier than before. _Shit_ , was he actually about to come out to his best friend while the other two guys were playing football right behind them? Apparently he was.

''You have been seeing _someone else_?'' Jens asked the question with a look in his eyes Robbe couldn't really place. It looked like Jens had seen a ghost. Robbe nodded.

''Since when?'' He added, still looking at Robbe with the same expression all over his face. It made Robbe even more nervous than he already was. He didn't even know that was possible.

''Since... a few weeks. The beach trip.'' Robbe swallowed. ''We started off as friends. And we had fun times together. But then suddenly... it turned into something more.''

The expression on Jens' face still hadn't faded.

''So who is it?'' 

''It's-''

''Yo guys, are you ever gonna stop having tea time and play football with us? Y'all whisper with each other all the time.'' It was Moyo, interrupting them at the exact moment you didn't want anyone to interrupt. Like reading a book that ended with the worst climax ever. I suppose you could call this that. Fucking cliché.

He threw the ball against Jens' head, making him groan out of annoyance, standing up to throw it against Moyo's back with the same amount of pressure. Robbe looked up at him and smiled.

''I'll tell you later.'' He said, as he grabbed Jens' hand to stand up, too.

''Later.''

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Tuesday**

The biology class seemed to take hours. It had never been this boring. Ever since his ''religion'' talk with Yasmina, she hadn't been very talkative anymore, either. So the classes were boring. Silent. Robbe tried to talk to her, to make conversation, but she ended up either ignoring him completely, or saying barely anything back. Yeah, Robbe wasn't as smooth with girls, even though most people probably thought he was. Well, he wasn't right now, anyway.

He had tried several times to apologize to her. ''I'm sorry, I take it back, I didn't mean to upset you, I didn't mean to offend you or your religion, I was having a shit day and I took it out on you.'' Fuck, there he went again with all the excuses. Oh well, he supposed Yasmina couldn't do much with ''I'm sorry, I was way too deep into the closet and you weren't really helping either''. Conclusion, he'd just continue the class without saying anything to her, listening to their teacher in complete silence.

Robbe's phone buzzed, breaking the silence inside of the class. He got judging looks from everyone, including Yasmina. He raised up both hands, silently saying he was sorry, before grabbing his phone out of his pocket and quickly checking his messages.

Tuesday, 15:40

 **Sander:** _I broke up with Britt._

Robbe swallowed. A shiver went down his body, putting on electricity he hadn't felt since Wednesday night. His heart started beating faster, reading the message over and over again. He broke up with Britt. Before he could even think of a reply, his phone buzzed again. 

**Sander:** _please meet me outside of the school, 16:00. you know where I'll be waiting._

You know where I'll be waiting? Oh, of course. _The fucking bus stop_. All this time, Robbe had thought Sander hadn't noticed him, that he had been the one who had seen Sander without him realizing. But of course this wasn't the case. When did Robbe ever casually notice someone. When did someone ever casually show up at a bus stop everyday at the exact same time Robbe's classes had finished. When was something in Robbe's life ever a coincidence. Robbe was actually such a fucking idiot.

He didn't reply. He shut off his phone, making sure he'd ignore every single time Sander would reach out to him again. It was what his head was telling him to do. His heart, on the other hand, was aching for him. Longing for him. The past four days had been hell. Robbe had wanted to forget about Sander, to be mad and angry at him, to give him the ignorance he deserved, but as the days went on, the feeling of missing him snuck into his body more and more. He started to wish Sander hadn't listened. It had been his biggest wish with Noor the entire time they dated: _give me space_. But with Sander, the fact that he had actually listened made Robbe want him even more. He wanted Sander to reach out to him, even if he was angry at him. He wanted Sander to come by his place and ask him for forgiveness. He wanted Sander to try for him. But he hadn't. He had listened to Robbe. And fuck, that made him even more captivating. 

And now, after four days, he had reached out. And apparently, during these four days, he had worked on trying to gain his forgiveness. While Robbe was out there thinking Sander had forgotten all about him, he was actually doing the things Robbe secretly wanted him to do so badly.

Yet Robbe ignored him, again. Because even though his heart wanted to reply to him so badly, his head was telling him not to. Because what if all of this was still a game to Sander? What if this was just another step in getting Robbe back and then hurting him all over again? Because what if Sander just knew Robbe had a weakness for him, a soft spot which made it impossible for Robbe to ignore him forever?

Robbe was taken out of his thoughts by the school bell ringing. 16:00. He shook his head, readjusting the beanie on his hair. He hadn't even heard what the homework was, he had basically missed the last 20 minutes of the class. But today, he didn't care. All he cared about was Sander waiting for him at the bus stop. Not for Britt but for him, ready to receive Robbe's forgiveness. But he wasn't gonna make it _that_ easy for him.

He grabbed his backpack, threw it over his shoulder, and he waited.

16:11.

16:24.

Had he waited long enough for Sander to give up and leave? Probably. It wasn't like he was gonna wait for him forever. 

So he decided to finally leave the classroom and mingle himself inbetween all the other students still walking through the school hallways. He walked casually, feeling content with the waiting he had done, feeling confident that Sander had left. That was until he felt a hand on his arm, pulling him into one of the chemistry classrooms Robbe was walking past.

He let himself be pulled, not being able to resist out of shock, as he finally stopped moving and heard the classroom door slam shut. He turned around, readjusted his beanie once again, looking up to see the posture of the guy he tried _so damn hard_ to ignore. The guy he was so confident about he had left. The guy he was so sure about would never wait for him forever. But of course Sander did.

''I need you to listen to me. Just once.'' He said, walking up to Robbe, leaving a space inbetween them that was just comfortable enough for Robbe to keep standing still and to not walk backwards.

''Did you read my message?'' Robbe nodded.

''Okay. So... you know I broke up with her.''

''And why exactly are you telling _me_ this?''

''Because I did it for you. Because I want to be with you.'' Sander gazed at him, his eyes sending a shiver down Robbe's spine. Only Sander could be this nervous and still look this confident. This attractive. Shit.

''Sander, I-''

''No, listen.'' As Sander interrupted him, not giving him a chance to speak, he stepped closer, making the comfortable space between them disappear. But even though Robbe wanted to step back, he couldn't. He was completely locked up in Sander's gaze. Frozen by the way his eyes looked at his. For a second, his breath hitched as his heart started to beat faster.

''I know I fucked up. I know I was acting weird. But after that kiss at the cabin, I went completely crazy. You were the only thing I could think about, the only one on my mind. Every night I dreamt about me pushing you against the cabin, kissing you, holding you. It just wouldn't stop. So I messaged you, I tried to see you at school as much as I could, telling Britt I'd pick her up while instead I was there to look at you every chance I got. But you never responded to my messages. I saw you looking at me when I was standing at the bus stop, but you never came up to me. You never did anything, you never showed me that you felt the same. The same urge, the same crazy going thoughts that I felt. For a moment I thought I was alone in this, that my feelings were one-sided. So I had given up, until suddenly Britt asked me to go on a double date with you and Noor. I didn't want to go, but I couldn't help but see this as a final opportunity to ask you how you felt. So I went. And you literally told me I meant _nothing_ to you, that our kiss meant nothing to you. And I was hurt, so much that I finally told Britt to fuck off, something I never dared to say before. But I was pissed off. At myself, for believing you were into me, at you, for not feeling the same way. Until you gave me your phone and I saw your screenshots of me. Then it suddenly changed. My feelings for you all came back, my mind went _crazy_ for you all over again. And then you asked me to go with you to your safe place and I- I just couldn't _not_ kiss you. And you kissed me back. You finally returned the feelings I'd wished you would for ages.''

''So then why did you just leave like that? Why did you go back to Britt?''

''I don't know. It was like... my mind went completely Chernobyl.'' Sander made a gesture with his hands next to his head, mimicing an explosion, an explosion of his thoughts. And Robbe knew exactly what he meant. Because after their first kiss, he'd felt the same.

''It blew up. While we were there, while we were kissing, I completely forgot about Britt. About our relationship. It's like... as soon as you're around me, I cannot think straight. My mind goes blank and I forget about everything. All I see is you. So then when we were interrupted and walked back to our bikes... it suddenly all hit me again. Britt, having to explain my behaviour, having to explain where I was that night, having to explain why I didn't go after her. She has always been there for me, you know. As much as I hate our relationship, she means well. So I started feeling guilty for acting the way I did. And I went back. I made up with her. But then the next day... my thoughts went back to you again. It drove me _insane_ and I needed to see you. So I visited you, and you shut me off. You knew everything. And you had every right to be mad at me. And the following days I was mad at myself, too. So I tried everything I could do to fix it. I talked to my friends for the first time in ages, asking them for advice. I wasn't sure you still wanted me until I saw you listening to my Bowie playlist everyday. So I broke up with Britt and I went back to you. And now here we are.''

Sander let out an exhale, as if he was finally able to breathe again, finally feeling the weight lift off of his chest. And Robbe was just standing there, listening, his mouth almost dropped open. 

''Now _that_ was a speech.'' He said, making Sander look up at him, a small grin appearing on both of their faces.

''Thanks. You deserved a good one.'' Robbe chuckled. He knew he was supposed to still be mad at Sander, but how could he? His explanation was fair enough, and it wasn't like Robbe had been a saint. At least he was trying his best, and he even broke up with Britt for him in the process.

''I didn't think you saw me when you stood there at the bus stop. You were looking at your phone the entire time.'' Sander's small grin turned into a big smile. His eyes twinkled out of excitement.

''Of course I did. I was taking pictures of you with my phone the entire time. Wait, _shit_ , that sounds creepier than I thought it would.'' Robbe laughed, not being sure how to act, what to do, where to look. The fact Sander went to his school everyday simply to see him and take pictures of him made him feel... special. Wanted. Again, one of the feelings only Sander had ever given him. He knows it should've probably been a bit creepy. But with Sander, it was different. He knew he was into photography, it was his favorite kind of art. And Robbe loved being the center of his creative space. It didn't feel creepy. It felt wonderful. 

''With those pictures... at least I was able to see you when you didn't want to see me.'' Silence fell inbetween them, their eyes locked. They both swallowed. Fuck, they missed each other more than they had realized.

''I _did_ want to see you. I just didn't want to admit I did.'' 

Silence. Again.

''When you went back to Britt... did you and her...?'' Robbe asked softly, not wanting to say the rest of the sentence out loud. The thought of it alone made him feel sick. Sander shook his head quickly, immediately.

''No, no, no. We didn't. I couldn't do that to you. I didn't even want to.'' Robbe let out a relieved sigh, nodding his head. ''Okay.''

Sander stepped even closer, making his forehead touch Robbe's, feeling his breath against his skin.

''I'm sorry I fucked up.'' Robbe closed his eyes, feeling Sander's hand slowly rise from his right hand up to his shoulder. His breath hitched when he ended up putting it on his face, cupping his cheek softly, his thumb caressing his lower lip.

''Please give me another chance.''

Robbe opened his eyes to meet Sander's. He had never seen him look at him so desperate, so determined. 

''What about Chernobyl?'' Sander held back a bit, looked around and shrugged.

'' _Fuck Chernobyl_. We're in a chemistry class after all.'' Robbe smiled, widely. He could feel his heart jump, butterflies flying through his stomach, shattering all the anger he had left into tiny little pieces. He leaned forward to plant the tiniest, softest little kiss on Sander's lips. As Sander grinned, his hand that was still on Robbe's cheek now moved to the back of his head, making it disappear underneath Robbe's beanie, burying it in the strands of his hair, intertwining his fingers with them. He pulled his head closer to his, crashing his lips against his roughly, clearly showing he had been longing for them for ages. And so did Robbe. As their kiss went on, Sander's hands both moved to Robbe's hips, guiding him to one of the tables, making him sit on top of it. Robbe could only follow his lead, being completely taken over and blown away by the feeling of his body against his. As their lips started to explore each other, their tongues finally meeting, Sander's hands moved to Robbe's legs, making them spread for him to stand inbetween them. As he pushed his hips against Robbe's, he couldn't help but let out a moan.

''Fuck,'' Robbe pulled his hair, hoping to hear Sander moan over and over again. It had become his favorite sound, a sound he didn't know he could want to hear so much. Sander's lips left Robbe's to place butterfly kisses against his cheek, his jaw, and eventually his neck. The butterfly kisses changed into long, deep kisses, slightly sucking Robbe's skin inbetween his lips. Robbe whined, pulling Sander's hair in reaction. ''Sander...''

Robbe grabbed Sander's face with both hands, making him move to face him again and be able to kiss his lips, sucking his bottom lip inbetween his teeth. Sander groaned, his hands now travelling over Robbe's back, one of them disappearing underneath his shirt.

Until the sound of Sander's phone interrupted them. Fucking hell.

''Fuck, I'm sorry...'' Robbe gave him a small smile, as to say it was okay, as Sander grabbed his phone from his pocket. He never let go of Robbe. Robbe's legs were still wrapped around him, holding him as close to him as possible.

Until he saw the name on Sander's screen.

 _Britt_.

He quickly let down his legs, releasing himself from Sander's grip, making himself shove backwards on the table he made him sit up on.

''Why is she calling you?''

''I- I promised her I'd get my stuff at her place today. You know... to take them home. Since we're not together anymore.'' As he declined her call, he looked up at Robbe who was now basically sitting on the other side of the table. Sander grinned, clearly enjoying whatever Robbe was doing, as he quickly put his phone back into his pocket. He walked around the table, facing Robbe yet again, as he put his index finger under Robbe's chin to make him look up at him.

''Hey.'' Robbe looked up into his eyes, them clearly showing off jealousy. He was practically pouting at him. And Sander loved it.

''No need to be jealous, Robin.'' He said with a bright smile, adoring the way Robbe's jealousy was so clearly showing. A week ago, Sander couldn't have imagined Robbe being any of this. _Them_ being any of this. Robbe continued to stay silent, just waiting for Sander to continue whatever he was about to say.

''You're all I want.'' 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Wednesday**

Robbe looked into the mirror, studying the way he looked. Hm. He had looked better. He supposed that right now, he looked... _nice_. His hair was pushed back a bit, a few curls falling down his forehead. He was wearing a dark green t-shirt with his casual pants that were _way_ too big, but also way too comfortable to ever not be wearing. He suddenly realized he was actually wearing the same shitty clothes every single day. He also suddenly realized his hair was getting way too long. It used to all fit underneath his beanie, but now so much was sticking out, he'd rather leave it off. At least the t-shirt showed off his arms. They were quite... muscular. Weren't they? Oh well, he supposed he looked alright.

But alright wasn't enough, because in a few minutes, Sander would be coming over. And for some reason, him coming over suddenly made Robbe _very_ aware of the way he looked. He usually never looked into the mirror. He just put on some shitty clothes, put his hand through his hair to hopefully mess it up in the right way and he'd go to school. But usually, there wouldn't be someone waiting for him. Usually it would only be Jens, Moyo and Aaron who cared enough to look at him. And even they never said anything about his appearance. But now, Sander had gotten into his life. And for some reason, that made things matter way more than they usually did. Robbe wanted to make an effort for him, he didn't want to look ''alright'', he wanted to actually look presentable, likeable. Maybe even attractive. Fuck, but how does someone do that? Make themselves _look attractive_? He knew Sander did it all the time. But well, Sander probably didn't have to do anything to look the way he did. He was one of those people who just... woke up like that. Almost... perfect, unblemished, _flawless_. Or at least, that's what Robbe thought.

And out of all people Sander could've picked, out of all the girls (and probably guys, Robbe wouldn't be surprised) who would literally fall down to his feet- he had chosen Robbe. Robbe Ijzermans. It still made no sense to him. They were like yin and yang, black and white, confident and invisible, sensational and uninteresting, flawless and... well, Robbe. They were complete opposites. Yet that was the exact thing that made them felt so drawn towards each other. Sander was a mystery to Robbe, a puzzle he had only wanted to solve even more, and now finally he had gotten the chance to. He didn't care if the puzzle got too hard, too complicated. He decided to take that risk, even if that meant falling in love in the process.

Because that's what he did.

He fell in love.

And God, he had fallen _hard_.

He had fallen for the way his bleached blonde locks fell down on his face. He had fallen for the way his soft, tanned skin could set Robbe's slim body on fire. He had fallen for the way he walked, the way he talked, the way he dressed. The leather jacket, the combat boots, the Bowie t-shirts with the long sleeved ones underneath, the way he had such an _image,_ an image he was so excited to peel off and find out everything about the layers underneath. He had fallen for the freckles in his neck, the way his big hands could consume Robbe's body. And _God_ , how he had fallen for that _god damned_ smile.

And it kind of scared him, more than he wanted to admit. Because this was the first time he had ever really fallen for a guy. Well, he used to have a huge crush on Jens, but that wasn't like this. This feeling bewitched him. It had gotten under his skin. Sander had gotten under his skin. And at first, after their first kiss, Robbe had been way too scared to admit to it, to go with it. But now... love suddenly didn't seem that scary anymore.

And then the doorbell rang.

Well _fuck_ , Robbe had still wanted to put on some kind of fragrance. Oh well, he had never actually done that before anyway. He didn't even know if he owned one.

''Who's that?'' Milan stepped out of the kitchen, looking at Robbe with a huge smile on his face. Robbe rolled with his eyes.

''Milan. Not now.'' 

''Is that who I think that is?'' Milan's smile grew even bigger as Robbe didn't answer him but just continued to stare at him with annoyance dripping off of his face. 

''It is, isn't it?'' Milan let out what was almost a scream of excitement and clapped in his hands. ''Look at you, Robbe Ijzermans getting what he wants!''

'' _Milan_...'' Robbe groaned, holding the doorknob with his right hand, ready to open it and take in the sight of the person he'd wanted to see _so badly_. Milan made a gesture with his hands, as if he zipped his mouth closed, crossing his hands in front of his body. Robbe sighed. Well, as long as he'd behave, it would probably be fine. So he opened the door.

In front of him stood the guy he had longed for, wearing a grey t-shirt on black jeans, his classic combat boots underneath. His hair looked so soft, his fringe curled up. He was looking absolutely gorgeous.

''Hi there.'' He stepped inside, grabbing Robbe by putting his right hand on his waist, pulling him towards him to give him a long, soft kiss. It felt like Robbe's knees were going weak.

''Hello there.'' They both released themselves from their kiss, being startled from the sound that came from their side. Of course Milan had to interrupt. Fuck, why did Robbe think he was going to behave?

''So you're the mystery man Robbe has been talking about forever?'' Sander looked from Milan to Robbe, his right eyebrow lifting up from surprise. ''So you've secretly been talking about me forever, hm?''

''Milan! Can you ever just _behave_ and shut your mouth?'' 

''I can't believe you've been hiding him from me for that long. Hi, I'm Milan.'' He walked towards them, reaching out his hand towards Sander's. As they shook hands, Sander never let go of Robbe's waist. As soon as Sander ever got a hold of him, he never wanted to let him go. Or anyways, that's something Robbe had noticed during the few times they had been together. And he liked to believe he was right.

''I'm Sander. Or apparently the _mystery man_ you've been hearing about.'' He snorted as he looked back at Robbe. He on the other hand, wasn't enjoying the teasing just as much. As he rolled his eyes, he gave Sander a little shove against his shoulder and grinned, feeling incredibly ashamed. Of himself, but mostly of Milan. The guy never knew his boundaries.

''Alright, this has been a total _blast_ , but Sander and I are gonna need some alone time right now.'' Robbe said, as he grabbed ahold of the sleeve of Sander's jacket and pulled him with him towards his room. 

As he slammed the door shut behind them, he could still hear Milan scream: ''As long as you remember I'm still in this house, too!''

Robbe let himself lean against the door of his room. He sighed out of relief, finally having gotten rid of anything and anyone who could disturb or annoy them. As he saw Sander having a huge grin on his face, clearly still enjoying the way he got a ''warm welcome'', Robbe felt his cheeks flush bright red. 

''I didn't know you had such fun roommates.''

''Oh, believe me. They're not always as fun as they seem.'' Sander smiled, walking backwards towards Robbe's bed, pulling Robbe with him as he was still holding both sides of Sander's jacket. He sat down slowly, Robbe immediately sitting down on his lap. He didn't even think about it, it was something that came to him naturally. And apparently it did to Sander, too.

''You're looking good today.'' He suddenly said, moving his hand through the locks of Robbe's hair that fell down on his forehead. The slight touch was giving him shivers.

''I _do_?''

''Yeah. Your hair is getting long. It looks sexy.''

''Sexy? Me?''

''Yes, you. I suppose you should look into the mirror more often.'' Oh, if he only knew. But he obviously wasn't gonna tell him about that. That would be embarrassing. So he just smiled, not saying anything. 

Until he remembered something. Something he had been wanting to ask Sander as soon as he saw him. A question that had been burning inside of him ever since Sander's phone had buzzed yesterday.

''So... how did things go with Britt yesterday?''

''Like I said. I got my stuff and I left.''

''Sander...''

''I swear. Nothing else happened. We barely even looked at each other. I was there for about ten minutes and then left as soon as I could.'' Robbe swallowed. He looked into his eyes, for some reason trying to find any expression that led him to doubt him. But he didn't find it. He hated how he still didn't trust him a hundred percent, even though he wanted to so badly. But who could blame him? Things like this needed time. And trust needed to be gained. 

Sander grabbed Robbe by his waist with both hands, consuming his small body with them like he always did, turning them both around, throwing Robbe on the bed to eventually climb on top of him.

''When I told you it's you that I want, I meant it.'' His face was close to Robbe's. Way too close. Robbe's breath hitched from the feeling of Sander's warm breath clashing against his skin. The way his nose slightly touched his sent shivers all the way down his spine. He could even feel his lips shake out of craving, wanting- _needing_ Sander's against them.

''There's nobody like you. There never could be.'' His face came even closer, his upper lip moving against Robbe's with the most minor touch. It stayed there for a second, just lingering on top, as Robbe felt the urge to kiss him grow more and more. As Robbe lifted his head from his mattress to fully crash his lips against Sander's, he had already pulled back quickly, as if he knew Robbe's every move, as if he could read his thoughts by just looking at him. The corner of his mouth lifted slowly, enjoying how Robbe craved his kisses so obviously. ''Be patient.'' He whispered, as he got closer once again, now moving his lips against Robbe's jaw, moving down slowly to his neck. As Robbe whined the blonde haired's name, Sander pulled back once again, his face being covered in a big smile.

''What is it?'' He asked, acting confused, acting as if he had no clue why Robbe was whining the way he did. He was such a tease.

''Sander... quit it...'' Sander's face came closer once again, his lips going back to Robbe's neck, slightly sucking the skin as his left hand gently disappeared underneath the thin fabric of Robbe's t-shirt. Robbe's heart fluttered from the feeling of Sander's cold fingertips against his warm skin. 

''Quit what?'' He whispered, as his hand travelled all the way over Robbe's stomach, up to his chest, lifting his t-shirt up even more.

''The _fucking_ teasing...'' He felt Sander smile against the skin in his neck. He quickly removed his hand from underneath Robbe's t-shirt, readjusting it all over his front body. He pulled back up again to face Robbe, as he cupped his face with his left hand and smiled.

''Okay.'' Okay? That was it? He wasn't gonna continue? Robbe couldn't help but feel like he did something wrong. The feelings of disappointment and insecurity crippled all the way through his body.

''But-''

''I want to draw you.'' Sander said, completely out of nowhere, interrupting Robbe's sentence quickly. He sat up, moved his hand through his blonde locks to fix the mess he'd made of it (probably, because Robbe could never tell when his hair was a mess, it just always looked good) and reached down the bed to grab his bag. As he opened it, he started to take out all kinds of equipment: pencils, art books, pieces of paper he could draw on. His entire bag was filled with art supplies Robbe didn't even know existed. He had always wondered what Sander carried with him in that huge bag. And now that he knew, it didn't surprise him at all. The only thing that did surprise him was he didn't realize sooner. As Sander started to make a selection from his pencils, never looking at Robbe, Robbe couldn't help but still feel the sense of disappointment sting in his chest. 

''But, Sander...''

''Hm?''

''Why did you stop?'' It was a queston that made Sander finally look back up at him.

''Because you told me to.''

''I told you to stop _teasing_. Usually that means, you know...'' Sander grinned, put his art supplies on the mattress next to him and shuffled himself closer towards Robbe. He sat down in front of him, making their knees touch, grabbing ahold of his both hands. Again, he consumed him completely. 

''I know, Robin. Don't worry. I just... don't want things to go too quickly. I want to take my time with you. With us. Why rush things when we have forever? So instead, I'm gonna draw you.'' Robbe felt the corner of his mouth shake, it gradually rising up again. The sting of disappointment and insecurity he had been feeling the past few minutes now made room for happiness, relief. _Forever_. His eyes twinkled. The way Sander was so thoughtful about him, about them, made him feel incredible. Even though he wanted Sander to continue where they had left off so badly, he was actually so right. _Why rush things when we have forever?_ The sentence, the way Sander had said it... his body felt like it was on fire, like he was loosing control, the amount of electricity driving him _insane_. Not to forget mentioning that he absolutely _adored_ it when Sander called him ''Robin''. If anyone else would, it would most probably annoy him. But the way Sander said it, the way his name sounded when it fell down from his lips... _Chernobyl_.

''Also, don't forget Milan is home, too.'' He added, making Robbe giggle. He had a fair point, Milan would probably be walking past Robbe's door to secreltly check on them every five minutes. It acually bothered him a lot, but for now it gave them yet another reason to take things slowly, and he supposed he kind of appreciated that. Sander's left hand reached up to hold Robbe's cheek as he softly moved his thumb to caress it. ''I want every moment with you to be special.'' Robbe swallowed, never breaking eye contact.

''Now, I'm gonna draw you. If that's okay with you, of course.''

''Sure.'' Of course it was okay. Robbe felt honoured to be the center of his art. It was yet another one of the infinite reasons Sander made him feel special.

''As long as you don't make me look ugly.''

''Pff, don't flatter yourself, Ijzermans. Also, since when are you doubting my professional skills? Usually I'd be too offended to continue right now. You're lucky you're adorable.'' Ijzermans. It was the nickname only his best friends used to give him. But again, it coming from Sander's mouth made it sound better. More captivating. And that said something, since it was his fucking surname. It had no reasoning to be or sound special at all. Yet Sander made it sound extraordinary.

So Sander started. He drew him, for minutes. Hours. He was taking all the time he needed. He was taking all the time he wanted, simply because it gave him a reason to admire Robbe in ways he had always wanted to, but never been able to. It gave him time to study the shape of his face, the laugh lines around his mouth, his doe eyes looking back at him, them twinkling from the light above them, twinkling from the suspense and thrill he probably felt from Sander drawing him. Robbe was so fascinating. His every detail. The light curls falling down his forehead, the way his face twitched the entire time while he was supposed to sit still, his guardian angel necklace hanging down from his neck, protecting him, making him look complete. It made Sander loose his mind, so much that sometimes he wasn't able to breathe. He had never seen someone like Robbe before. He was so unique, and from the first moment he saw him, Sander just _knew_ he had to be with him. Protect him. Love him. Make him feel special. Because it's just what he deserved.

''When did you fall for me?'' The question came sudden. So sudden, Sander almost fucked up one of the lines on his drawing. 

''I told you to sit still.''

''I am. You didn't tell me to not move my mouth.''

''Isn't that included with ''sitting still''?''

''Just answer the damn question.'' Sander snorted, making Robbe laugh too as a reply.

''Fine. It was at the garbage trucks. I saw you standing there with Noor. I was taking you in, admiring you. I had never seen anyone like you before. And then I grabbed my camera, I wanted to remember you, so I took a picture of you. And just as I was about to put my camera away, you turned around a bit and... the moonlight fell down on you. It wasn't a coincidence. It couldn't have been. So I took another shot, and I just knew you were the one.''

He finally looked up from his drawing, giving Robbe a soft smile. His eyes twinkled. Robbe smiled back.

''It's weird, isn't it? How life can be so unexpected sometimes? It's like... you can think you've got life all figured out, but then suddenly... something happens, and it completely fucks things up again. In a bad way or in a good way. And... then you have to try and figure out life all over again. And you're lost. But you can only handle so many things at once. So your mind just goes on and on, trying to make sense out of things, trying to tie up loose ends, trying to find a way out, and it just never stops, it goes and it goes and-''

''Sander.'' He was interrupted by Robbe's hand on his wrist. He looked down to his drawing, looking at the mess he had made of it. Without having realized, he had completely fucked it up. He had grabbed all sorts of intense colors, filling it in, drawing lines, drawing circles, scratching all kind of figures and lines all over Robbe's face. The tip of his pencil had broken. He slowly looked up back at Robbe. Fuck.

''Are you alright?'' Robbe asked, having shifted closer to Sander, having left the position he was supposed to sit still in completely.

''I- I'm sorry.''

Silence fell, as Robbe caressed Sander's wrist with his thumb. It made Sander feel calm. It even made his thoughts calm down to a point where he could finally come back to his senses again.

''I told you you had to sit still.'' He continued, giving Robbe a little shove against his shoulder. Robbe's eyes turned surprised.

'' _Hey_. I wasn't the one rambling and ruining a drawing.'' Sander snorted. He loved how Robbe lightened up the mood and didn't make him explain the way he acted. But that was just who Robbe was. He minded his own business, he made you feel comfortable, he made you feel at ease. And if you wanted to tell him, or wanted to share something with him, he'd be there to listen. But he'd never make you do anything.

''That's because I cannot concentrate when I'm around you. Especially when you don't _sit still_.'' Robbe laughed, taking the drawing from Sander's crossed legs.

''I should probably start over...''

''No, I love it.'' Robbe said quickly. He didn't hate the drawing at all. In fact, it was _beautiful_. It was like Sander had put his thoughts on the drawing, the lines literally going all over the place, but it just made sense. It looked perfect. Because it showed exactly what Robbe had been feeling for weeks. Chaos. Thoughts going wild. But in the center... there was peace. The peace he had found with Sander.

''You _do_?''

''A lot.''

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Friday**

It was their first date. Or at least, their first official one. Robbe didn't count the night of their second kiss as a date, even though it kind of, unspokenly, had been. But tonight was their first official night out with just the two of them, together. No flatmates like Milan walking past his door every five minutes, no friends who didn't know Robbe was into guys yet. Just them. Sander had texted Robbe if he wanted to go out, and Robbe didn’t think twice about saying yes for a second. 

Sander didn't tell Robbe where he was taking him. He just told him he'd pick him up at 20:00. Which he did. He was right on time, looking gorgeous as always. Sander had offered to take him with him on the luggage rack of his bike, but Robbe had declined. Even though it would've been romantic as heck, Robbe didn't want Sander to put in too much effort for him. Next to that, as much as he'd love having his arms around Sander's waist, letting him take him wherever he wanted to, he loved biking next to Sander even more, so that he could admire his face whenever _he_ wanted to.

It turned out Sander took him to the same bar they visited with Noor and Britt last week. 

''I hope you don't mind. But even though our last time in here was shit, I still remember it as the place where things finally really started for us.'' Sander said, seemingly quite nervous. He put his hands in his pocket and shuffled his feet on the ground beneath him. Robbe couldn't help but smile. He was adorable. He stepped closer to him and put a soft kiss on his lips. 

''Hey, don't worry. I love it. And by the way, things are good now, aren't they?'' Sander nodded.

''Right. So what's there to worry about?'' Sander let out a relieved sigh, releasing his hands from his pockets and moving them to hold Robbe's waist, guiding him inside of the bar. 

Their date started off nicely, cute, talkative. They took some pictures with Sander’s camera and ordered a beer for the both of them. They talk about loads of stuff- school, Sander’s art, they even discussed Robbe’s dad for a while. They talked about Robbe now living in the flatshare with Milan and Zoë, how they were super annoying but most of the time an amazing support and even kind of a new family, Sander failing one of his classes because he couldn’t get his mind off of Robbe, and about Sander bleaching his hair for the first time. 

Sander couldn’t keep himself from making a joke about Robbe wearing the same sweater _again_ before taking a sip from his beer, to which Robbe pushed him backwards.

‘’Shut up, you.'' The tone of his voice was slightly annoyed, but mostly so _joyful_. Secretly, he felt so many butterflies because of Sander clearly keeping tags on what he was wearing everyday.

''It's just really comfy, okay. I just kind of live in it and I don't care.'' Robbe said, as Sander laughed out loud, enjoying how Robbe was so _adorable_ being annoyed at him for noticing his clothing. He didn’t care about it though- he loved Robbe’s style, it suited him, it suited his personality- cool, laid back, not giving a shit about what anyone thought of him. And that made him _so attractive_.

Robbe couldn’t help but notice Sander’s beautiful smile. He loved it when Sander laughed out loud. The way his eyes became smaller, the way the skin around his eyes wrinkled, the way his beautiful teeth showed and the way his eyes twinkled of happiness. It was his favorite look on him, mostly because since the beach trip, since their fucked up bar date and _definitely_ since last tuesday, he knew the twinkle in his eyes was because of him. Because of them. They were finally happy now, finally together. Being so caught up in his own thoughts, Robbe tilted his head and just… stared at him. Fascinated. Admiring him. Adoring every single detail about him. Meanwhile, Sander apologized for his joke and told him he always looked handsome, an apology Robbe didn’t even really hear. It was like the sound around them just… vanished, all because of Sander. _God_ , the influence he had on him was _crazy_.

Sander grinned as he noticed Robbe is staring at him. He couldn’t believe he got so lucky. He moved a little closer to him, making their foreheads slightly touch one another, moving his soft hair against Robbe’s skin. He couldn’t help but stare at Robbe’s gorgeous smile and his lips- _god, his lips_. He couldn't think about them for too long, or else he'd get turned on right there and then, and he probably wouldn’t be able to contain himself. So he looked away quickly, staring at his beer for a second, trying to get his mind off of anything about Robbe that could turn him on- which was a lot. 

A few minutes later, Robbe showed off the magician in him, showing Sander a magic trick he learned from Jens. Sander made him feel so _fearless_ , he would've literally done anything with him without thinking about it. It still surprised him sometimes how Sander even fell for him- _him_? Robbe Ijzermans? The smiley, carefree but secretly insecure skater-guy? And then there was Sander, the most attractive, confident, good-looking and charismatic person Robbe had ever met. He still didn’t get it, but he _loved_ it. He loved how confident and good Sander made him feel about himself. He loved being around Sander, being with Sander, being in love with Sander. So much, he couldn’t help but be a stupidly in love idiot sometimes.

Sander laughed.

''Stop it, Robin. You know you don't have to show off magic tricks to be able to impress me.''

''So what do I have to do to impress you, then?''

He pushed him against his face, as Robbe fed him the piece of food he made magically reappear from behind his ear. ''Absolutely _nothing_.'' He whispered, to which Robbe smiled wickedly as Sander continued to make him feel so _confident_ about himself.

Sander adored this side of Robbe so much- the carefree, cheerful, idiotic, fun side. Even though they had more serious conversations a minute ago, Robbe didn’t care to let go and be more fun. He was clearly being himself around Sander, and the wonderful thing of it all was that Sander could also be a hundred percent himself around him. More than he ever could with anyone- not with past boyfriends, not with past girlfriends, and _definitely_ not with Britt. It was weird how little moments like these could make Sander feel so _alive_ , all because of Robbe. Literally all he had to do was just... look at him, and he'd feel the energy in his body reach its peak.

''Have you told your friends about us?'' Sander asked suddenly. Robbe looked up from his beer.

''No... not yet. I will, though. I just need to find the right moment. The guys don't really seem that... accepting. And I'm honestly pretty scared for Jens' reaction. He hasn't been that supportive lately.''

''Why not?''

''Well, just... the shit with my dad I told you about? He hasn't really been there to listen. He's always off with Moyo and Aaron to smoke or get laid or whatever.''

It was quiet for a while. Sander felt anger bubble up inside his chest. He couldn't believe Robbe's best friend, out of all people, was treating him like _shit_. But he didn't want to talk bad about him, because he probably meant a lot to Robbe, anyway. So he decided to not get into it, and to just change the subject quickly.

''So you've never been with a guy before?''

''No. I've had a crush once, or at least, I realize that now. But that was it.'' Sander frowned. So he wasn't the first guy Robbe ever liked. Interesting.

''So who was it?'' As Sander impatiently waited for Robbe's answer, his doe-eyed boyfriend kept staring at his beer, playing with his glass. He obviously didn't feel the need to share his high school crush. Sander touched his knee with his own, trying to retrieve his glance. As Robbe finally looked back into his eyes, Sander raised his eyebrow.

''You're gonna laugh at me.''

''Of course I won't. Why would I laugh at you?''

''Because- because it was-'' Sander now raised both eyebrows, looking at Robbe with suspense. How bad could it be? It wasn't like he had a huge crush on his best mate Jens or something.

''It was Jens.'' Oh. Fuck. This time it was Sander looking away, slightly nodding his head, feeling a sting of jealousy through his chest. It wouldn't have been that bad if he'd had a crush on some random classmate or a guy he used to go to the skate park with. But this wasn't just some random guy. This was his best friend, who by the way, still was his best friend right now. Which meant Robbe still spent time with him, probably almost as much as with Sander. Even though he probably had no reason to worry, since Robbe spoke in the past tense and he clearly has feelings for Sander, it still made him feel... anxious.

''Sander? What is it?'' 

''Nothing.''

''Wait. You're not jealous, are you?''

''No.'' Robbe could tell Sander was trying to act confident, while in reality, he wasn't. Or at least, nog right now.

''Sander... there's no need to worry. It was a stupid crush. I didn't even really know what I was feeling back then. And it's definitely over now. I mean, I just told you he's being a shitty friend anyways.'' Sander looked up, finding Robbe's eyes. ''Like you said. You're all I want.''

Robbe moved closer to sander, slowly caressing his jaw with the fingers on his right hand. Softly, gently, he moved his hand towards his chin, holding it with his thumb, making sure he was looking at him, only him. The feeling of his strong jaw against his hand made Robbe shiver. He was just _so_ pretty. Robbe catched himself thinking about Sander’s appearance yet _again_ \- but he just couldn’t stop himself. Everything about Sander was just so… _right_. His messy, bleached hair, his dark, fluffy eyebrows revealing his true hair colour, his soft skin showing off his beautiful freckles, his alluring, kissable lips… It was all just so _perfect,_ so flawless. And then he hadn’t even mentioned Sander’s personality yet- he was kind, charming, brave, loyal, funny, confident, passionate and above all just so… _attractive_. In every single way.

Thinking about all of this gave Robbe goosebumps and a warm feeling inside- his thoughts of Sander were turning him on _so_ much. It made him want him. All of him. Tonight. Not just here, not just now, not just on a date. He wanted to feel his skin, touch his skin, kiss his skin. And he couldn’t wait any longer. Even though Sander haid said he wanted to take things slow. Even though Sander had said they had forever. He had been into this guy for weeks- and right now, right here… the moment just finally felt right. There were no problems. There were no obstacles. There was no Noor, no Britt. They both finally fully accepted them. He was ready. So he decided to be bold, to find out if Sander fely the same way. He made their legs touch, put his hand on his knee and moved it up his leg slowly, all the way to the edge of his pants. 

And all of a sudden, Sander was quiet- just staring at Robbe, as all the sound around them seemed to vanish, enjoying the feeling Robbe was giving him with his touch. He was being so confident, and _god_ , how that turned him on. He put his hand against Robbe’s, feeling his warm skin against his. He looked into his boyfriend’s eyes, silently saying: ‘’ _Yes,_ _i want this, too.’’_ He couldn’t express how much he was feeling right now- his heart was beating faster and the butterflies in his stomach were moving on full speed. Suddenly, he was so _horny_ for Robbe _-_ so drunk in love. He knew he'd said he wanted to take things slow. He knew he had said they had forever. But for some reason, forever seemed to be right now. And Robbe clearly felt the same.

Robbe continued to stare at him, completely captivated by his beauty, with a smile that said it all. He looked at their hands touching, while his other hand was still holding Sander’s leg. He could feel the warmth of Sander’s skin on his hand, coming through his pants. As he felt Sander’s warm breath from his mouth on his hand, he knew his answer. Sander was ready, too. He looked from their hands, to his lips, back to his twinkly eyes and asked: ''Yeah?'' 

Sander just nodded, too overwhelmed by the feeling of Robbe’s hand on his leg to be able to say anything. He put his right hand on Robbe’s collarbone, touching the structure, caressing it softly with his fingertip, never leaving his other hand touching Robbe’s. He touched his neck and made his finger disappear a little into Robbe’s sweater, as to say: ‘’I want more, _I_ _want to touch all of you.’’_

He moved his hand from Robbe’s collarbone to his neck, then to his ear, to finally end up in his hair- his favorite place. He caressed the back of Robbe’s head with his fingers, pulling his hair slightly before finally putting his hand down beneath his ear, just holding his face, admiring it. Robbe felt so many intense feelings at this point that he might've exploded- it is _that_ much he wanted to kiss him, _that_ much he wanted to hold him, and _god_ , _that_ much he wanted to have sex with him. In the meantime, Sander moved closer to his face, never stopping to look at his lips. He wanted to feel them all over his body, _right fucking now_.

Sander put his left hand around Robbe’s neck, pulling him closer towards him, whispering in his ear:

''So what's the plan?'' He moved his nose against Robbe’s ear, leaving Robbe with goosebumps all over his body. He wanted to hear Robbe say the words, the words they had both been thinking all evening. But he didn’t say them, simply because he was too blown away by what Sander did to him to even be able to talk. He felt Sander’s breath against his skin, his lips leaving heated marks around his ear.

''We could stay in here...'' Sander said teasingly, tempting, as Robbe was now also caressing his hair, making him even more turned on. 

He moved back to Robbe’s ear, this time not to say something, but to kiss him. He used his tongue, feeling Robbe shiver beneath the hand on his neck. The wet feeling made Robbe so _horny_ \- he didn’t know a kiss on the ear could make him feel like this. It was a good thing Sander only kissed his ear once, or else he might’ve come right there and then, _That’s_ how turned on he was by him, _that’s_ how much he wanted him. 

As Sander moved back to now kiss Robbe on the lips, he was held back by Robbe leaving a soft kiss on his cheek. He loved how Robbe was trying to turn him on, clearly stepping out of his comfortzone. He put his left hand back onto Robbe’s neck, slowly moved it up to his hair and pulled it yet again- but more intense this time. He felt Robbe’s hands moving all over his legs, from his knees to the edge of his pants, and eventually closer to his crotch. Robbe was being so _fearless_ tonight, it made him desire him even more.

''But we could also leave.'' Sander said, finally finishing his sentence. Robbe nodded immediately, being glad Sander finally insisted to leave. Their date had been amazing, but what they needed right now was a room, just the two of them and nobody there to stop them. Sander smiled softly as a reaction to Robbe’s quick reply, now being a hundred percent sure he wanted him so badly, too. He loved the influence he had on Robbe, how one look at his face made him go quiet. And to be honest, Robbe had the exact same influence on him.

Sander pulled back, leaving Robbe a bit unsettled from him being _so_ in the moment. Robbe moved his hands from Sander’s legs up to his shirt, trying to pull him back towards him. Sander laughed and resisted, something he normally wouldn't have done- but now he wanted to leave as soon as possible. He made his signature move and said: ''Come.'' 

Robbe put on his jacket quickly as Sander paid for their beers, being the gentleman he was. As soon as Sander walked back to their table, Robbe grabbed onto his shirt and pulled him towards him, giving him a kiss on his lips. He didn’t even really know why- he just felt like it. In all this time they had been turning each other on, he didn’t get the chance to kiss him once. He felt so happy, so excited, yet _so_ nervous. He just couldn’t wait to finally explore this new, next step with Sander. 

Sander grabbed his leather jacket, not putting it on but just casually throwing it over his shoulder, and basically pushed Robbe towards the door, simply because he was in a rush- a rush to get Robbe alone as soon as possible. As the door of the bar closed behind them, Robbe grabbed him by his shirt again and pulled him in for another kiss. A long, passionate one this time. 

And finally, _they were alone_. They weren't home yet, but at least there was nobody around them to stop them. So they kissed, passionately, wanting each other so badly, getting as close to each other as possible. Robbe then kissed Sander’s cheek, his neck, ending up jumping onto Sander’s back. As Sander walked them to their bikes, Robbe couldn’t stop kissing all of him. His cheek, his ear, his neck, his freckles, he made sure he covered every single spot. He wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and snuggled his nose into his neck, breathing in his amazing, sweet scent. Sander couldn’t help but smile. It was a big one, a real and genuine one. He hadn’t felt this happy in ages, the way Robbe made him feel was basically indescribable. It was like fireworks were going off inside of his body, feeling like he was on top the of the world, just… _Chernobyl_.

As soon as they reached their bikes, Robbe let go of Sander and turned him around to face him, pulling him closer by his jacket, as he kissed him again. It was like his lips were a magnet that kept pulling him back. His kisses were soft, wet, tender, yet so passionate. It was like he got sucked into him, not being able to let go ever again. He was _such_ an amazing kisser, it blew his mind _every single damn time_ he kissed him, over and over again.

Sander wrapped his arms around Robbe’s waist, making their foreheads touch, pulling him as close to him as possible, never wanting to let go of him. He loved how Robbe was smaller than him and how he stood on his tiptoes to reach out for his kiss. It made Robbe even more adorable, more _alluring_ , and he wasn’t aware that was even possible. Their lips were so in sync, wet from the use of their tongues, as their noses rubbed against each other smoothly.

Sander broke their kiss for a split second to ask:

''At mine or at yours?''

He didn’t even have to say what he meant, Robbe was fully aware of what he wanted to do at home. Robbe left his eyes closed for a second, still being completely caught up in their incredible kiss. It took a while for Sander’s question to sink in. Maybe it was because of the alcohol, or maybe because of how much Sander made him feel. Oh well, it was probably a combination of both.

Since it took Robbe so long to answer, Sander impatiently said:

''Please, say at yours.'' Robbe couldn’t help but smile a little a Sander’s pout, adoring how he loved being at the flatshare so much. Then he realized it was probably also because he still lived with his parents, and they couldn’t have them around right now. It needed to be just them. They couldn’t have anyone disturbing them- not tonight. Tonight needs to be special. Not only because it was Robbe’s first time - something he hadn't even told Sander about -, but also because it was _their_ first time, and they both want it to be extraordinary.

Robbe smiled and jokingly said:

''At yours.'' Sander snorted as Robbe was being such a tease, something he'd usually do, and immediately kissed him again, already missing his touch and the feeling of his lips against his after what was barely a minute. 

Sander put his hand in Robbe’s neck as Robbe pulled Sander closer towards him by his jacket. How could kissing him be so… _incredible_? His mind just went blank, only focussing on the soft touch of Sander’s wet lips moving against his. Sander’s hand moved down from Robbe’s neck to his chest, just resting it on there, feeling Robbe’s fast heartbeat all the way through his shirt. 

''We should probably get going...'' Sander said against Robbe’s lips. His brown haired boyfriend made a whiny noise, not wanting to ever stop kissing the love of his life, but then he reminded himself that it would be all they'd do as soon as they would get home. Kiss each other, touch each other, feel each other, and most importantly- be with each other. 

So he let go of Sander, giving both him and himself space to grab their bikes.

''Hey, faggots.'' They both looked up, watching three guys walking up to them. They were quite big, they looked quite muscular. And they didn't seem to want tea time. They didn't seem to have any good intentions at all.

''Ass fuckers, or what?'' They started whistling at them, but remained still at the place they now stood. They weren't coming closer anymore. Right now they just wanted to provoke a reaction from them. Luckily both Robbe and Sander were mature enough to walk away from the situation and ignore whatever they would've wanted to provoke.

''Look at them, fucking faggots. Makes me want to throw up.''

Or at least, Robbe _thought_ they both were mature enough. Until Sander suddenly threw his bike down to the ground with a loud bang, both his fists and jaw clenched. 

''What the _fuck_ did you say?'' It was the exact reaction the guys wanted to provoke. No wonder they had smiles from ear to ear on their faces. They enjoyed the fuck out of it.

'"Sander, let's just go-'' As Robbe tried to hold him down, Sander pushed him away, _roughly_ , almost making him fall down towards the ground. But he didn't even seem to notice. ''Sander!''

''Well? What the _fuck_ do you want?'' The guys laughed out loud as Sander just stood there, the anger dripping off of his entire body.

''Look at him. The gay kid trying to defend himself. If this ain't hilarious, then I don't know what is.''

Then things suddenly happened _very_ quickly.

Sander grabbed his bike from the ground, walked towards them and threw it at them with all the power he had. One of the guys fell down, clearly hurt from whatever Sander's bike did to him, while the other two grabbed Sander and pushed him down towards the ground. Before Robbe could get inbetween them to stop them from doing whatever it was they wanted to do, it was Sander who got himself out instead. He was _enraged_ , in a way Robbe had never seen him before. He was practically screaming, throwing the guys off of him with both his arms and legs. And they fought. Harshly. There were screams, there was blood. And Robbe wanted to get inbetween, but he _couldn't_. He just stood there, completely in shock, having no idea how to move. His body suddenly felt lifeless. The fight felt like it took hours, while in reality, some guys from the bar they had visited had gotten inbetween them pretty quickly. They took them away from each other, shoving them towards separate sides. The guys spit at Sander one last time before finally walking away. 

''You okay, man?'' One of the guys from the bar asked. Sander nodded, wiping some blood away from his nose with his hands. And Robbe was still just standing there.

Sander looked at him, his eyes watering from tears he was probably trying so hard to hold back.

''I need to go.'' He said, grabbing his bike from the ground where a few minutes ago one of the guys was still screaming out of pain. His bike looked like shit, he had completely broken it.

As Robbe watched him get on it, he could suddenly feel the ability to talk come back, as if he finally came back to his senses, as if the shock was finally wearing off.

''Sander, I-''

But as Robbe could finally speak, Sander had already left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaah it's finally done! I worked on this for an entire week, I loved writing every single piece of it. it took me a while to get the storyline I wanted, but I think I finally know what will happen next now. I hope you all enjoyed reading. I would love to read your ideas and thoughts on it, so feel free to leave a comment or smt. anyways, thank you for reading!


	3. Chapter 3: E6

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**Saturday, 7:30**

Robbe hadn't slept. He hadn't even tried to close his eyes. He had been staring at the ceiling of his bedroom all night, all morning. Yesterday night mostly was a blur to him, he didn't remember everything that happened. He knew they had a date, he knew that said date was incredible, wonderful. He had never felt that close to Sander. He had never wanted to feel even closer to him as much as last night. Their date had been special, it had been personal, they had shared stories they'd never shared with anyone ever before. Robbe had shared his deepest secrets with the bleached haired miracle, things he'd normally never be comfortable about sharing with someone he'd known for only two weeks. But with Sander, it was different. He was different. _They_ were different. They had a specific kind of connection they had both never felt before. It wasn't like they had discussed it or whatever, but Robbe just knew Sander felt the same. It was in the way he looked at Robbe, the way he acted around Robbe, the way he simply was Sander around Robbe.

He didn't have to know Sander for months to be able to actually really _know_ him and understand him. The connection they shared was enough. 

As magnificent as their date had been, things had quickly gone downwards as they had left the bar afterwards. Robbe had never in his life experienced a feeling where his body went from feeling completely Chernobyl to feeling utterly, thoroughly _broken_. Again, he didn't remember everything. He didn't remember how fast things went. He didn't remember what Sander said to him. He didn't remember what the guys had yelled at them. All he remembered was Sander. The way he went from completely ignoring the guys to suddenly being _enraged_ , not being able to contain himself or hold himself back. Not even when Robbe tried to stop him. In fact, he had even pushed Robbe away, something he never thought Sander would do. He remembered Sander's screams, he remembered the sound of fists clashing against his face. He remembered Sander standing back up, wiping the blood away from under his nose. He remembered Sander looking at him with a stare that spoke volumes. He remembered Sander's eyes looking broken, scared, hurt, completely demolished from probably feeling so _drained_. Drained from all the emotions hitting him all at once. Pain, regret, content, but most of all guilt, humiliation, tremendous _shame_. Shame from the way he had acted. Shame from pushing Robbe aside, of not being able to contain himself. 

He didn't have to know Sander for months to be able to actually really _know_ him and understand him. The connection they shared was enough. It had been in the bar, and it had been after the fight.

Robbe also remembered how he had done absolutely _nothing_. He had tried to stop him from going in, but after that, he hadn't done anything. He just stood there. Watching. Not being able to look away, not being able to move, not being able to help. He was in pure shock, of the way Sander acted, of the way the fight was happening right in front of his nose, of the way how quickly things went. The look of pain in Sander's eyes when he found Robbe's wasn't just because of the pain he felt from being beaten up. It had also been pain from disappointment. Disappointment from Robbe not helping him. Not supporting him. Literally doing _not a single fucking thing_. He had let Sander down, big time. And he felt ridiculously guilty.

But he couldn't help himself. The memory of Sander changing from one person into the other kept replaying in his mind over and over again. It had confused him so much, surprised him so much, that everything after that happened way too quickly for Robbe to intervene. He couldn't be thankful enough for the guys who had helped them, who had basically rescued Sander from all the shit that was happening. Because Robbe wouldn't have been able to do it.

And after that, Sander had just left. And he had all the right to. He was probably so mad at Robbe, so _fucking_ disappointed. But Robbe felt even more disappointed in himself. Way to go, Ijzermans.

Robbe hadn't slept or even closed his eyes, simply because all he could do was message Sander, trying to reach out to him. Trying to be able to talk to him and apologize, explain himself. But he didn't have an explanation. Or at least, not one he wanted to share. He didn't want to tell Sander his actions had scared him. Not now. Not when the biggest thing that mattered was Robbe not supporting him. Which he should've done, unconditionally.

Saturday, 01:56

 **Robbe:** _I'm so sorry for what happened tonight. are you ok?_

Saturday, 3:32

 **Robbe:** _I hope you're safe at home_

Saturday, 05:55

 **Robbe:** _I'm sorry for not helping you, I just didn't know what to do_

Saturday: 7:21

 **Robbe:** _sander... please, talk to me_

But Sander hadn't responded to anything. Not to his messages, not to his calls. He could see Sander was online sometimes, so he was literally ignoring him. Great. It made Robbe feel even more helpless than last night, it made him feel even more frustrated about himself, about this entire situation. Ironically enough, the part that frustrated him the most was that he wasn't able to _be there for him_. 

He looked up from a knock on his door. He made an assenting sound, giving whoever was standing at his doorstep permission to come in. It was Zoë.

''Hey, good morning.'' She said with a slight smile on her face, walking into the room slowly. Robbe gave her the same slight smile back.

''Morning.'' He said, as he put his phone away for the first time since he'd gotten home last night. He had reached a point where he didn't even know what it felt like to not worry about Sander anymore. He sat up, shuffling to the edge of his bed as Zoë sat down next to him.

''I heard you and Noor broke up.'' She said, studying Robbe's face. It made him quite uncomfortable, even though she definitely meant well.

''Yeah... it- it didn't work out anymore. Or at least, not the way she wanted it to.''

''Did last Wednesday have anything to do with it? When she visited and you weren't at home?''

''I... I guess. Whatever. It doesn't really matter, anyway. We're done, it sucks, but I'll get over it.'' Robbe shrugged, pulling the hoodie on his sweater over his head, trying to conceal any sign of dishonesty on his face. Robbe knew Zoë was good at reading it, however she was even able to do that. 

''Alright. Seems like you're hiding something. But no worries, I'll find out eventually.'' She smiled as she gave Robbe a little shove against his arm. He smiled back as he knew she was trying to act as if she was joking, but in reality, she probably would actually find out eventually. Maybe by then... Robbe would also feel comfortable enough to share what he was feeling. But right now, he had way too much shit in his head to be able to handle a coming out for all of the people he knew. And as much as he hoped his friends would all react well, he could never be actually sure they would. Zoë put her both hands on her knees, standing up next to Robbe's bed.

''Anyways. I got croissants from the bakery, they're in the kitchen. I'm gonna go visit the cafeteria with the girls.''

''What? This early?''

''Yeah, apparently Britt called Jana last night and said she needed some girl talk. She asked me and the girls to come, too. It's pretty serious.'' Robbe felt a lump in his throat. He always felt a sting in his chest from the name Britt ever since he had a thing with Sander, but the entire sentence Zoë just said gave him more than just a sting. Britt. Last night. It's pretty serious. It all seemed to make sense. And Robbe's life didn't know coincidences.

''Wait. Why? What happened?'' His voice came out hoarse, from worry, from fear. 

''I don't know. I think it had something to do with Sander. Apparently he got into a fight last night and afterwards he went back to her. But I'm not sure. I guess I'll be filled in on all the juicy details as soon as I arrive.'' _Fuck_ , there it was again. The intense feeling of pain, jealousy, anger and insecurity hitting him all at once. He didn't know whether to cry, to break everything around him or to smash his phone against the wall. The phone he had been using all night to reach out to Sander. Sending him messages, calling him constantly, while Sander had been out there going back to his so called ''ex'' girlfriend yet _again_. He was fuming, hurt, _heartbroken_ , but Zoë didn't know about anything. And he didn't want her to know, either. So he decided to not do any of the things he'd wanted to, and just... nod. And sit still.

As Zoë left the room and shut the door behind her, Robbe waited until he heard her leave. He knew Milan wasn't home, so as soon as he'd hear the front door falling closed, he'd know he'd be home alone. And that would finally give him some space, space he craved for right now. 

He let himself fall down on his bed, his eyes facing the ceiling. He could feel tears burning in the back of his eyes as he could feel the lump in his throat grow bigger and bigger. As much as he wanted to cry, he didn't let himself. He didn't want himself to be weak, he didn't want Sander to have this kind of power over him. It made his mind go crazy how at one moment Sander could make him feel like the luckiest person alive, yet the next he would feel like the most broken. He hated the influence he had over him, he hated how ever since he'd met Sander, he had completely lost control over himself. He hated how much he loved him.

And he couldn't shake him. Ever.

Because it was Sander. And he was head over heels for him.

Robbe looked up from his phone buzzing. He looked at the screen, Jens' name covering it up. He grabbed it, sat up quickly and coughed to hopefully make himself sound less emotional, less fucked up. If that was even possible. 

''Hey.'' Shit. His throat sounded more hoarse than he'd expected. When did things ever go the way Robbe wanted?

''Hey, man. You up for a party tonight?'' Jens sounded excited, _happy_ , something Robbe hadn't felt himself ever since last night. It made him miss Jens like crazy. Even though Jens hadn't really been the bestest friend to him the past few weeks, he was still important to him. He could always make Robbe feel better whenever he felt like crap. He understood him, most of the times, and it made Robbe feel wanted, accepted. It made him want to come out to him so badly, simply because maybe it would reconnect them again, maybe even better than before.

''Uh, yeah. Sure. What kind of party is it?''

''I'm not sure. Apparently it's some kind of uni throwing a huge fest. I thought we could just go with the guys, if you're up for it.'' Fuck, okay, so it wouldn't be Jens and Robbe quality time. Moyo and Aaron were coming too, something Robbe really didn't look forward to, especially not right now. They would probably ask his head off about Noor the entire time: ''Why did you break up with her? Did you even have sex with her? I can't believe you just let her go like that.'' Oh well, he supposed he couldn't say no. It wasn't like he had anything better to do. And if he'd stayed home, he'd probably have thought about Sander the entire night once again, and _that_ would've been a huge waste of time. Considering the guy he would be thinking about the entire time would probably casually be making out with his girlfriend at the same time. Shit.

''Yeah, sounds cool. I'll meet you at 22:00.''

''Cool. See you tonight, bro.''

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**Saturday, 22:41**

Robbe hadn't expected the night to become one of the worst ones in his life.

He had met up with Jens, Moyo and Aaron at the time they had agreed on. 22:00. Back then, everything was still fine, going the way Robbe had expected while he was getting ready. He didn't feel like getting all dressed up for some random ass party, so he decided to just put on the same shitty clothes he put on everyday (he couldn't help but think about Sander saying he liked them on him, _fuck_ , there he went again), pulling the hoodie on his jacket over his head to hopefully hide the crappy emotions he was still feeling. If Zoë was able to read them, Jens definitely would be. He didn't care as much about Moyo and Aaron, though. They would probably be too worked up finding some ''hot chicks'' at the party to get their hands on as soon as possible. They probably wouldn't even notice Robbe was there. 

As Robbe arrived, the guys shook each other's hands, greeting each other the way they always did. They had all given Robbe a look, one that said ''Dude, you look like shit''. And it wasn't a lie. He _did_ look like shit. And he also felt like it. But he decided not to go into it, to avoid any discussion and chance of them asking what was going on. He came there to have fun and to forget about ''you know who'' for at least a few hours. And he wasn't gonna give him a chance to fuck even these few hours up for him.

The first half an hour inside of the club had been... surprisingly nice. The guys had gotten a few beers, mingled themself inbetween the other students that had come to the party - not recognizing most of them - and, remarkably enough, Robbe had actually been having _fun_. It had been the first time in weeks where he was actually having a sincere laugh with his friends, his best friend included. He was even sharing jokes and messing around with Moyo, the guy he had always disliked to see the most. It was odd Robbe always thought so negatively about his own friends, but that was just the way their friendship worked. Robbe just didn't have that many friends, and the ones he did have, at least kind of understood him. _Kind of_. But Robbe had never really fitted in. Him and Jens had always been the two invisible skater-guys, the weirdos, the closed-off best friends who had never felt the need to socialize and make other friends. They had always found each other more than enough. Because they understood each other. They had always had the same interests, the ones others always found ''unusual'' and ''lame''. But they had never given a shit. They played Fornite, skated and had talks about shitty deep feelings with a few beers as much as they wanted, until however late they wanted. Their friendship might have been odd to the people around them, but to them it was perfect, one of those rare friendships that could last a lifetime. Until, about a year ago, both Moyo and his friend Aaron had suddenly joined their squad. It had been quite fun in the beginning, until Jens started to smoke weed with the both of them every single day of the week. He could feel Jens and him drifting apart, so much that even now Robbe still didn't always feel like sharing everything with him anymore. And Robbe hated that. He hated how finally letting new friends in made his steady, most important and meaningful friendship fall apart.

Nights like these, though, made Robbe feel like the old times, the ones where he and Jens could have a laugh, a few beers and talk all night and never get bored. Those nights felt like this.

After all the beers they had, Robbe nudged Jens and told him he had to go to the bathroom. He offered to go with, but Robbe had declined. He liked the idea of being on his own for a few minutes, freshing up (as much as that was possible) and getting ready to party again. Next to that, Jens was too drunk to probably even be able to walk with him all the way to the bathrooms without falling. He was such a mess, and Robbe loved it. It reminded him of all the times they had fun together, when they had been gaming all night and had a few beers too much. It also reminded him of how much he wanted those times back. Of how much he actually missed his best friend.

As Robbe left the bathroom to go back to the guys, he was held back by Noor suddenly standing right in front of him. 

And that's when the night started to get worse.

''Hi, Robbe.'' She looked at him, her eyes being completely numb, emotionless. Fuck, if only looks could kill.

''What are you doing here?'' Robbe questioned, not even greeting her back, startled from meeting her here so unexpectedly while he really wanted to avoid her.

''Britt invited me. We went together. What are _you_ doing here?'' He swallowed from the feeling of hearing that name. It was like sweat was starting to form on his forehead- the nerves hit him like a truck. Britt was here, too?

''I, eh... I came here with the Broerrrs.'' His voice was shaking, it went from low to high, it dropping and cracking as he felt his heart beating faster. He sounded like a basketcase.

''Oh, just them? Didn't feel like inviting your boyfriend?''

Wait, _what?_

''Sorry?''

''Look, Robbe. Breaking up with me sucked, but the fact you weren't being honest about the actual reason is so messed up. Why didn't you just tell me you're gay?''

The words echoed through his mind. _Why didn't you just tell me you're gay?_ How the fuck did she know? How the fuck did Robbe ever out himself? And why were things going wrong for him yet _again?_

''I-'' 

But before Robbe could reply, his eyes went to the two people standing in the distance behind Noor, just not too far away to see them clearly. The bleached blonde guy took off his leather jacket and threw it over his shoulder, one finger holding it close to him. His other hand slid up the blonde girl's back, pulling her close towards his body, making their foreheads touch, just before their lips locked.

And before Robbe could clearly process what was happening, Sander and Britt were practically licking each other's faces on the middle of the dance floor.

Robbe couldn't believe what he saw happening right in front of him. He knew Sander had gone back to Britt. He knew he said they'd probably make out. But seeing it happen right in front of his eyes made him feel utterly heartbroken. For one second, he thought his heart wasn't even beating anymore. The shock was raging through his entire body. He couldn't move. He couldn't look away. His eyes were completely focused on Sander, kissing Britt the way he thought he only wanted to kiss him. Holding her the way he held Robbe whenever they were together. Looking at her the same way he looked at him. His eyes twinkling, his smile growing wide every time she looked at him. The looks Robbe thought were only for him. The looks that made Robbe feel special. Right now, it made him feel sick, so much he thought he was going to throw up. The tears started to burn in the back of his eyes, and as much as he wanted to hold them back once again, not admitting to the fact Sander had so much influence on him, trying to be strong, trying to maintain control, he _couldn't_. 

All he could do was get out and leave. As soon as possible.

So that's what he did. He didn't even care to look at Noor once, he just walked away, clashing against other people, people he knew, people he didn't know, trying to make his way outside as soon as possible. He got confused and annoyed looks from _everyone_ , it was like the entire room was staring at him. But the one person he actually cared about, the one person he wanted to find his gaze, didn't look at him once. He was only looking at _her_.

As he finally got outside, he felt the fresh air invade his lungs. He finally knew what it was like to breathe again, like the control over his body was slowly coming back. But as soon as Robbe remembered the image of Sander, the way he held her, the way he looked at her, the way he kissed her, the way he was all over her, all control just blew away again. His hands grabbed ahold of the fence in front of the entrance, pushing it to the ground, creating a loud bang that made everyone who was still outside stare at him. He walked past the corner of the building, finding a spot where he could be on his own, to clash himself against the wall, his back hurting from the amount of pressure he put into it. He covered his face with his hands, screaming into them, not giving a shit about whoever walked past and saw him. He didn't care about anything or anyone at this point. And he hated himself. He hated himself for falling for Sander, for trusting Sander, for being too fucking oblivious to ever doubt him. It had all been too perfect. And perfect didn't exist in Robbe's dictionary. His entire life was a sequence of fucked up messes, so it had all been too good to be true, anyway. He felt his hands gradually become wet, the tears streaming down his face. It was raining, his hair, his clothes- his entire body, they were all soaked. But he didn't care. 

''Robbe?'' He quickly took away his hands from his face, revealing itself towards the person who had called his name. 

It was Jens.

''Hey, what's wrong? I saw you leaving the party and you seemed upset. Now I can definitely see you are.'' He slowly sat down next to Robbe, moving close to him, making their shoulders and knees touch, as if he wanted Robbe to feel support from the feeling of his body against his. And it actually worked. Jens felt warm, safe, and it made Robbe feel at least a little bit better. The closer Jens got to him, the more Robbe realized he reeked of alcohol. 

''I... everything is so fucked up.'' He said, stuttering, the tears still rolling down his eyes.

''What happened?'' Robbe looked to his right, finding Jens' gaze. He looked at him with honest worry, a look he hadn't seen from Jens for a long time. It was the look he had wanted his best friend to give him for weeks now, yet he hadn't. There were always others around, Moyo, Aaron, sometimes even Jana, people that were all too distracting for Jens to care enough about supporting Robbe. But now, they were finally alone for once. It made Robbe feel like he might finally have some quality time with his best friend again, something he longed for, craved for. Maybe right now was finally the right time to be honest.

''I'm gonna tell you something, but you have to promise you won't get mad at me.''

''Okay... I promise.'' Jens' voice sounded confused, a bit held back. But Robbe couldn't blame him. This all probably was so strange to him, considering Robbe just left a party crying, making a huge scene, making everyone stare at him, now sobbing against a wall in the streaming rain. It actually sounded like a fucking emotional Netflix film. How was Robbe always the one person getting himself into shit like this?

''Remember how I ditched you last week to hang out with Noor?''

''Of course I remember. The emotional damage still lingers onto me.'' Jens smiled, his words coming out with a thick slur, obviously drunk, but clearly trying to make Robbe feel better. And it actually kind of worked. As Robbe couldn't help but snort back at his tipsy best friend, the tears suddenly streamed down his face a lot slower.

''I, eh... I ended up spending the evening with someone else.''

''You _did_? Wait, was it the girl you told me about you were seeing?''

''Yes. Kind of.'' Jens frowned, clearly still very confused.

''I'm not following.'' 

''It... it wasn't a girl.'' The words came out slowly, his voice shaking. He didn't know if the water dripping down his face was from the rain, his tears, or from the sweat he felt out of nervousness.

For a second, it was quiet. Jens just stared at him, in complete silence, probably trying to keep his mouth from dropping open. Robbe didn't know whether it was because he wanted to give Robbe space to say whatever he wanted, to make sure he didn't say or do anything that could hurt him, or because he was just too surprised to say anything back. He hoped it was a combination of the first two. Surprise could've been negative, and that made Robbe's mouth go dry. 

''So then who was it?'' He replied, finally, after what felt like hours. Robbe catched his breath. At least he didn't walk away yet. That was quite positive, he supposed.

''It was... Sander.''

''Sander?! Wait, he is _gay?''_

''Well, I don't know. He was sticking his tongue into Britt's throat a few minutes ago, I guess that means he isn't completely gay.'' Jens looked at the bricks of the street they sat on. His mouth had now actually dropped open, clearly being blown away by the fact Sander had been kissing his best mate behind his ex' back. It was actually kind of ironic that both him and Sander had cheated on her with someone completely different without her knowing. He wasn't sure what that said about Britt, though. 

''Is that why you stormed out like that?'' Robbe nodded.

''What the fuck. That's fucked up.''

''Yeah. We kissed at the beach trip the morning we were supposed to leave. It all happened so fast, I didn't know how to feel. So I pushed him away, I guess that was my own fault. But then when Noor and I went on a date last week, him and Britt were there too and... things escalated quite quickly. We went to the park, we had a conversation about some deep shitty feelings and we kissed again, it was so intense, _magical_ even... But then he suddenly left and went back to Britt. I told him to stay away from me but, then he came with an apology that I just couldn't resist. I just- _cannot_ fucking resist him. He has crawled up under my skin and I cannot shake him. I fell for him so _fucking_ hard and he just keeps hurting me, he just keeps going back to Britt as if I'm not good enough.''

''He sounds like an asshole. He also sounds like he doesn't deserve you.''

''I don't know. I'm not sure if I deserve him, either.''

''Wait, what? Of course you do. Why wouldn't you?''

''Because, Jens. Everything in my life is shit. My mom is in a mental institution. My dad doesn't give a crap about her or me. My friends only seem to care about themselves. And those are supposed to be the simple things. So why would _this_ , me falling for a guy who apparently can't seem to let go of his girlfriend, work out for me?''

''I'm sorry I didn't care enough.'' Robbe looked up, seeing Jens stare at his hands. He was clearly feeling bad, feeling guilty of not supporting Robbe enough when he should've. He felt guilty about spending more time with Moyo and Aaron instead of Robbe. He felt guilty about being so selfish, so worried about his own stupid business that he forgot to care about his best friend who was clearly going through something. More than just something. Robbe didn't need to hear Jens say this to him. He knew all of it by the look on his face. They had been friends since they were kids, after all.

''It's okay.''

''No, but for real, though. I'm sorry, Robbe. I should've been there for you, I've been such a fucked up friend the past few weeks. The past _year_. I've only been minding my own shitty business and completely ignored yours. _Fuck_.'' Robbe stayed silent, because for once, Jens kind of had a fair point. He had fucked up. He had been ignoring Robbe's problems to only mind his own. And usually, Robbe would be that type of guy to blame that on himself. But Jens saying this actually made sense. And you know what, Robbe didn't always have to blame everything on himself. He had learned that from his time with Sander. Which had probably been the only positive thing.

''So... you're into guys, then.'' Jens stated carefully, breaking the silence that had fallen yet again.

''Yeah.''

''Is Sander the first guy you've ever liked?'' Robbe shook his head slowly. ''No.''

''I've... had a crush before. But it's not worth discussing. I didn't know what was going on in my head back then. With Sander, things are- _were_ so different. He completely consumed me. Everything about him drew me towards him. His looks, his personality, the whole mystery around him I couldn't help but watnt to solve. I don't know how to explain, it's just... I didn't mean to fall in love with him. Until that night at the park, I just realized... I had fallen for him. _Fucking hard_. It just felt right.''

''Have you ever... looked at me like that?'' Robbe looked up from surprise the question brought with it. Was Jens just asking him if he'd ever liked him? _Of course_ he had, he was the first and only guy crush he'd ever had. He was the first guy who had ever made him doubt his sexuality. The crush he literally just told him about but said it wasn't worth discussing. ''Never mind, that was a weird question-''

''I... I think so.'' As Robbe interrupted him, Jens' gaze found his. They smiled at each other, a little awkwardly, not being sure what to do or say.

''But it wasn't like with Sander. He isn't just some crush. He fucking _consumes_ me. I just cannot think straight whenever I'm around him. And then he does _this_. He just keeps fucking us up, fucking me up, over and over again. It's like he's playing this messed up game with my head and my feelings and I just cannot seem to find a way out. He keeps drawing me back in. It's like... he has built walls around my heart and every time he tears them down I keep falling harder and harder. What the fuck am I supposed to do _now?''_

Jens looked at his shoes, making them tap against each other constantly, as if he was nervous, as if he was hesistant to say whatever he was thinking. 

''I think you should end things with him.''

''If only it were that easy...''

''But, it _is_ , Robbe. There are probably so many other guys out there who would want to be with you the way you want to be with Sander. If he keeps going back to Britt and keeps hurting you, then is he really worth it? I know it sucks, but love isn't always about fairytales. Sooner or later something will go wrong, that's just how it goes. I experienced that with Jana. And as for Sander... sometimes the person you fall for just isn't ready to catch you.'' Their knees were still touching, pushing each other from left to right. 

''But when will there ever be a person ready to catch someone like me? To fall for someone like me? My life only knows problems, it's always the same shi-''

Robbe's sentence was cut off by the feeling of lips against his.

Jens' lips.

They crashed against his, his hand on the back of Robbe's head to pull him closer. Wait, _what the fuck?_

Robbe quickly pushed him away by putting his hands on Jens' chest, making him shove backwards and almost falling down onto his back. Jens looked at him with his eyes showing off fear, regret and disbelief. Robbe could see he was thinking he had made a mistake. 

''Fuck, I am sorry. I don't know why I did that.''

''It's... it's okay-''

''It isn't. Shit, I am such an asshole. I shouldn't have done that.'' Jens stood up quickly, wiping the sand off of his jeans and readjusting his jacket. He tossed his hand through his hair, clearly being unsettled from what he'd done. He looked at Robbe one more time, both of them exchanging confused looks, as Jens turned around and walked back to the party.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Monday**

It had been two days since Robbe last saw both Jens and Sander. It had been two days since he saw anyone. He spent all Sunday in his room, trying to get his mind around everything that had happened in such a short amount of time. He couldn’t believe how both Friday and Saturday had both been two of the worst days of his life, and that said something, considering all the shit Robbe has been through already. First there was the beat up, then Sander leaving him for Britt once again, him seeing the blonde guy he loved so much kiss his ex right in front of his nose, and as if things couldn’t get any worse, his best friend had kissed him, on the fucking mouth. Out of all things he didn’t understand, the last one was probably the worst of them. Jens had been drunk, so he obviously didn’t know what he was doing. And drunk friends kiss each other all the time. Didn’t they? Wait, what if they didn’t? What if that was just something people said all the time? What if Jens actually had feelings for him, and Robbe finally coming out to him was the last push he needed to make a move on him? But Robbe wasn’t into him, not at all, not anymore. He had a crush on Jens for years, basically their entire teenage lifetime, but it had just been one of those stupid crushes where you were together with someone so much all the time that you started to confuse close friendship to something more. He had always found Jens attractive, because hell, he was, but he had never actually loved him. Not like that. Not like he loved Sander. Not even close to it. He loved Jens like a brother, a best friend he could always count on when he needed him (which was pretty ironic, since Jens hadn’t cared about him at all the past few weeks). But it had never been more. Robbe had just been confused, and ever since he met Sander he knew that the love he felt for Jens wasn’t actual love. Ever since he met Sander, he knew that actual love was about thinking about a person when you woke up and thinking about a person when you fell asleep. It was the feeling that lingered on even when the person left you. The thoughts that never stopped rambling whenever they hurt you. The constant craving of wanting them near to you. Shit, Robbe missed Sander more than he wanted to admit.

And now it was Monday. Robbe had to go back to school, which meant Robbe had to face Jens. For once, he was glad Sander was two years older than him and didn’t go to the same school as he did, simply because he couldn’t handle seeing both of them and facing both their problems on the same day. It was about to become a crazy one.

Surprisingly enough, the first period went quite alright. Even though it had been biology and Yasmina still hadn’t said a full sentence to him, he supposed it could’ve been worse. And he actually found himself listening this time. He understood what the teacher was talking about and he actually took some good, organized notes, finally showing off the good student he knew he had inside of him. As Robbe walked to his locker after class and opened it to put his books away and get his jacket to meet Moyo and Aaron outside, he turned around when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

It was Jens. Shit, it was bound to happen sometime.

‘’Hey… can we talk for a second?’’ He said, putting his hands in the backpockets of his jeans, his eyes going all over the place, him clearly feeling very uncomfortable. And it was. Imagine getting kissed by someone who had practically been like a brother to you for over a decade. Imagine having a normal life for once. Robbe couldn’t relate.

‘’What do you want to talk about?’’ He acted as if he knew nothing, completely ignorant.

‘’Robbe… about what happened,’’ His voice sounded like a whisper, Robbe was barely able to hear him. Though, he appreciated how careful Jens was being.

‘’I was drunk, okay? I didn’t know what I was doing. I’m _not_ into you, I mean I love hanging out with you, but as a friend. A best friend. And I really hope I didn’t fuck that up right now.’’ The stiff feeling in Robbe’s chest made room for a feeling of comfort, facilitation. He closed his eyes for a second, letting the feeling of relief sink in. He didn’t know he was still able to feel something positive.

‘’You didn’t. I kind of already figured it must have been the alcohol.’’ Jens looked up, finally making eye contact, letting out a relieved breath as Robbe said the words he’d probably hoped to hear very much.

‘’Fuck, I’m so glad. Your whole talk about Sander… you know, I’ve been confused too, lately. Please, don’t ask me about it right now, but… I just kind of recognized myself in the things you told me. Anyway… then the alcohol took a number on me and made me do… _that_.’’ Robbe’s eyebrow raised, being intrigued yet worried by Jens confessing he had been confused, too. Maybe Robbe had judged him too quickly about only minding ‘’his own shitty business’’. It sounded like Jens had been having quite a rough time too, and it wasn’t like Robbe had been there for him, either. ‘’I’m sorry. I didn’t know.’’

‘’It’s okay, you couldn’t have. I was just being a complete idiot for kissing you.’’

‘’Well, I can’t blame you. I’m just that irresistible.’’ Jens scoffed, nudging Robbe with his left hand, them both laughing as the awkward vibe around them finally started to wear off. Robbe couldn't be more relieved about Jens not seeing him like that. A few years ago, he'd probably have killed for Jens to see him like that, to _kiss_ him like that, but right now, he just saw it as another problem of the thousands he already couldn't handle. He wanted him as his best friend and nothing more.

‘’Anyway, have you spoken to Sander yet?’’

‘’No. I don’t really feel like it, either.’’ Jens took in a deep breath, as he exhaled loudly. ‘’Robbe… the advice I gave you Saturday night was total bullshit and I’m sorry. From what I’ve seen, the time you were together with him made you feel better than you’ve felt in a long time. You were acting so different the past few weeks. So much more… like Robbe.’’

‘’That’s because he made me sincerely _happy_. I haven’t felt as alive as the past few weeks, ever. It’s like… he lifted me out of a dark place and reminded me of what happiness felt like. But then again, he keeps hurting me and pushing me away, over and over again and I just cannot stop thi-‘’

‘’But isn’t that what love is supposed to be like? Being hurt so badly by someone but still only being able to think about the times he made you feel so happy? Feeling so guilty and bad about missing someone, yet you still cannot stop yourself from thinking about them?’’ Robbe stayed silent, giving Jens a look, kind of enjoying his soft side that was clearly showing. Sometimes, he couldn't believe Jens understood love as much as he actually did. This was the exact kind of conversation Robbe had missed so much.

‘’I think you should just talk to him. Give him a chance to explain himself. Britt can be quite toxic, you know. I know all about that.’’ He had a fair point. During his time with her, she never stopped following him around everywhere, making sure he wasn't falling for someone else, making sure he'd like her even more than the day before. She never knew her boundaries, she never knew how to stop when she was getting too much. But then again, she never thought she was too much. She thought she was perfect for Jens. And she probably acted the same way around Sander. So maybe Jens was right. ‘’Alright, alright. I’ll see what I can do.’’

‘’Good. Love-doctor Jens, hm?’’ Robbe looked up at him, finding him with the biggest smile on his face, clearly satisfied with the advice he had just given his brunet friend. He was actually so proud of himself, the _idiot_.

‘’As if. You were the one who gave me advice to have sex with Noor while I didn’t even want to.’’

‘’Hey, I didn’t know you were thirsting on guys behind her back. Give me some credit.’’ They both laughed, releasing all the nerves they had from before and both feeling reassurance from finally solving the elephant in the room. As they walked onto the schoolyard, making their way towards Moyo and Aaron, Robbe gave Jens another pat on his back and let out a relieved sigh, being glad that at least one of the two guy-problems in his life was solved and didn’t need to be discussed again. He knew him and Jens had always been good at communicating. He just wished him and Sander would’ve been, too.

‘’What’s up, guys?’’ Moyo asked, giving both of them a handshake, the one they always did, as Aaron followed his lead.

‘’Not much. Just came out of class. What about you?’’

‘’Well, you’re not gonna believe this, but we just got a text from Marie. She said she and Britt saw you two kissing Saturday night at that party we went to together. You have got to tell me she’s kidding, right?’’ Jens and Robbe looked at each other, both swallowing, eyes going wide. _Fuck_. They didn't think anyone had seen them.

‘’I… I mean, of course she is. Why the fuck would I be kissing Robbe?’’ Jens scoffed, his voice sounding nervous, as he kept looking at Robbe for support. He on the other hand, was too surprised to even say anything. It was like Britt was _everywhere_.

Moyo shrugged. ‘’I don’t know. But why would she be spreading a rumor like this?’’

It stayed silent for a little while. Moyo just stared at his phone, re-reading the text he had gotten from Marie over and over again, showing it to Aaron continuously. Jens and Robbe looked each other in the eyes, quietly communicating, telling each other to keep acting ignorant, whilst also letting each other know they were both scared as _fuck_. Moyo kept giggling, clearly enjoying the fact people were spreading a rumour about his closest friends making out, as Aaron suddenly broke the awkward silence.

‘’Wait, isn’t that... Sander? What the fuck is he-’’

‘’You fucking _son of a bitch_.’’

As Robbe turned around, not having fully processed the words that came out of Aaron's mouth, he saw the bleached haired guy he had fallen for, the tall, gloriously good-looking guy he hadn't been able to stop thinking about, walking towards him. Both his fists and jaw were clenched, the look in his eyes screaming anger. He threw his big green shoulder bag on the ground before he got even closer, making Robbe's heart skip a beat as he approached him. The words had come out of his mouth as a loud, exasperated scream, one that drew all attention towards him, and Robbe could only think of one thing. He looked exactly like Friday night. _Enraged_. Not able to contain himself. And before Robbe could do something, before he could even realize Sander wasn't walking towards him but towards his best friend, Jens had already been pushed onto the ground. ‘’ _Sander!’’_

The entire schoolyard turned around, staring at them and at what was happening. Some were cheering, others were looking at them with their mouths dropped open, Robbe just didn't know whether it was from fear or disbelief. Moyo climbed on top of Sander immediately, grabbing him by his shoulders, trying to pull him away from Jens. But Sander was way too tough, too vigorous to let himself be pulled away.

‘’You haven’t had the balls to care about him for _weeks_ and as soon as I fuck up once, you suddenly decide to give a _fuck_ about him?’’ Sander was _screaming_ , drawing all attention towards him. Even some teachers came outside, probably wondering what the hell was going on. Sander was clearly making a scene, and Robbe wished he could disappear into thin air. He felt ashamed, revealed, and _way_ too fucking confused.

‘’I wasn’t-‘’ Jens tried to talk, he tried to explain himself, but Sander didn't give him the chance to. Just before things could've gotten any worse, Aaron jumped in to help Moyo out. Both of them luckily were strong enough to overpower Sander and pull him off of the slim brunet that was still lying on the ground in total shock. 

‘’Get your own _fucking_ boyfriend instead of stealing mine.’’ Sander yelled at him, his rage too extant to realize he was outing both him and Robbe in front of the entire school, before he pulled himself loose from both Moyo and Aaron's grip. He readjusted his leather jacket and walked back to grab his shoulder bag and put it back around his upper body. He looked up one more time, finding Robbe's eyes. They gazed at each other for what felt like minutes, but were just a few seconds in reality. Robbe looked at him in both incredulity and defeat, while Sander on the other hand, looked at him like he was thoroughly brokenhearted. 

Britt had told Sander about their kiss, too. The way he walked onto the schoolyard so furiously, so determined to punish Jens for getting too close to Robbe, proved that he didn't just know about the rumour. She had told him about Robbe sitting against the wall crying. She had told him about Jens sitting close to him to support him. She had told him about their knees touching. She had told him about Jens crashing his lips against Robbe's and pulling him in closer by the back of his head. She had told him _everything_. Every single detail about that night.

And as Robbe saw the look in Sander's eyes change from heartbreak to remorse, he suddenly realized that he knew Robbe had also seen _him_.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Wednesday**

As Robbe was cleaning up the dishes they had used for dinner, he replayed all the events of the past few hectic days in his head. Everything that had happened didn't make any sense. Sander's mood suddenly changing, leaving him to go back to Britt after saying they were done for good - which had actually come across as very believeable -, him not reaching out the morning after (even though Robbe hadn't supported him, so he guessed he deserved that), him kissing Britt at some random party while he had been kissing Robbe the same way 24 hours earlier and then as a cherry on top of the cake, he had come all the way to Robbe's school to try and beat up Jens for mistakenly kissing Robbe. It just all didn't make any fucking sense.

And how did Britt know everything? How did she see everything? How was she _everywhere_ , constantly interfering in Robbe's life to try and mess up everything he had? First when she was with Jens, and now with Sander. After Robbe's talk with Jens and after Sander showing up at their school, he had realized Britt wasn't just messing with him, but mostly with Sander. Jens had said she had been toxic in their relationship, and Robbe just knew that the same thing was happening to Sander right now.

So he tried to understand Sander leaving him for Britt after the fight. He tried to understand his reasons for going back to her again and again. He tried to understand why he hadn't replied to any of Robbe's attempts to reach out.

But he still couldn't understand why he kissed her.

Because even if Britt had him under his spell, and even if he felt a kind of safety or security with her that Robbe apparently couldn't give him, he still didn't have to kiss her that night. Hold her that night. Be with her that night. It was a fucking school party, it wasn't like Britt had made him go with him. And from what Robbe had seen, it definitely wasn't Britt who had initiated the kiss. It had all been Sander's choice. Or at least, that's what it all looked and felt like.

And after the scene at the schoolyard on Monday, Robbe should've probably been angry at Sander, for outing them in front of the entire school, for trying to beat up his best friend and for being mad at both Jens and Robbe when he didn't have any right to. But instead, Robbe had kind of expected, _hoped_ , him knowing about his kiss with Jens would finally make Sander reach out to him. To ask him why he did what he did. To finally give Robbe a chance to explain himself. But he still hadn't. No messages, no calls. Nothing. Sander had been giving Robbe a complete radio silence ever since Friday night and it made him go crazy. He had been angry with him at first, and he still was for what happened on Saturday, but in the midst of all the feelings Robbe experienced and out of all the things Robbe wasn't sure of, he sure as hell missed him. So _fucking_ much.

He liked to think he knew Sander. And he liked to believe that the Sander he thought he knew, would never hurt him without a good damn reason. He would never have bad intentions towards Robbe, which made all of this even more confusing. Robbe exhaled in dispair, wishing all of these chaotic feelings could be over. His relationship with Sander, whatever that was, had been a rollercoaster. And Robbe had never liked those.

''Are you okay?'' Robbe turned around, finding Milan at the entrance of their kitchen.

''I-'' As he tried to start a sentence to reply, he stopped pretty much immediately, realizing he had no idea what to say. No, he wasn't okay. But he also didn't feel like explaining why. 

Milan sighed. ''Robbe... what happened on Friday? Zoë told me you were a mess Saturday morning. Had it anything to do with your date with Sander?'' Of course Zoë had told Milan. As if she could ever mind her own business. He knew she meant well, but during times like these, Robbe just prefered to be left alone. Though, part of him felt like confessing, talking about what he felt, now that it wasn't her but Milan asking how he was doing, someone who knew about his sexuality, someone who had made it very clear he'd support him through anything. And he knew he could count on Milan. ''Yes.'' 

''What happened?'' Milan repeated the question, approaching Robbe with worry flashing in his eyes.

''We... left the bar. And then suddenly there were these three guys shouting names and other bullshit at us. They were fucking assholes, trying to provoke a reaction from us. I thought Sander and I had silently agreed on not giving them the reaction they wanted and to just- ignore them, and leave as quickly as we could. They didn't come close to us, so I thought him and I both knew they weren't gonna try something, anyway. But then suddenly... Sander completely changed. You should've seen the look in his eyes, the tone of his voice... I had never seen him like that before, he was _furious_. I tried to stop him, but... he just walked up to them and... well. I guess you know what else happened.'' 

Milan's mouth was opened, covering it with one hand, clearly being unsettled from everything Robbe had told him. His eyes were watering and his hand was shaking. It made Robbe realize Milan probably had experience with this, too.

''My god, Robbe... But, you are okay?''

''Yes. I didn't get into the fight. I just couldn't. _Fuck_ , Milan. I didn't try to stop them from hurting him, I didn't try to help him, I didn't even try to go after him when he left.'' Robbe covered his face with both hands, feeling the emotion of guilt flowing all through his body once again.

''Where did he go?''

''To Britt. He left me to go to his _fucking_ girlfriend, _again_. All because I wasn't brave enough to do _shit_ -'' Milan suddenly stood right in front of him, holding his shoulders with both hands, making him look directly into his eyes. His look was strict, determined, maybe even a little angry.

''Listen to me. You _were_ brave enough. You did _nothing_ wrong. Sander was the one who went in, he can't blame you for not supporting him when you didn't even want the situation to get out of hand like that? It is completely normal that you felt numb, lifeless, that you weren't able to move to help him out. Of course Sander deserved your help, but he can't make you feel responsible for the fight he got himself into or the way he felt afterwards. He isn't allowed to make you feel guilty for something you couldn't do anything about. And you _are_ brave, Robbe. You're brave for trying to walk away from those assholes, you're brave for standing here and telling me about what happened. You're _fucking_ brave for being who you want to be. What happened with Sander isn't your fault. Not the fight, not his feelings, not him going back to his girlfriend. That is all on him.''

Silence fell for a while. They kept looking at each other, quietly letting the words sink in. Milan was right, he always was. Robbe didn't have to feel guilty about what happened, it wasn't his fault, but he did still feel bad about Sander leaving. For not going after him, for not even calling after him. He hadn't done anything to show him he was there for him. Not in the moment, anyway.

''But I should've been there for him afterwards. I should've walked up to him and hugged him, told him everything was gonna be okay. I should've taken him home with me and taken care of him.''

''But Robbe... Sander is the one who left. If he had wanted you to support him and taken care of him, he would've stayed. If he really knew you, he would've known you would've supported him regardless of how he acted. But apparently he still felt like you blamed him or that you were disappointed in him. But that's not who you are.''

Milan sighed as Robbe's eyes drifted off, clearly still feeling some kind of disappointment in himself, even though Milan's words all seemed to make sense. As his housemate's hands were still holding his shoulders, he pulled him in towards his chest, wrapping his arms around his slim body and holding him close to him for a tight hug.

''You are not the problem. But I don't think Sander is, either. You should try to talk to him, communicate, tell each other what's on your mind. Believe me, it really helps.''

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Friday**

Friday, 8:33

 **Jens:** hey, can we meet up today?

 **Robbe:** yeah sure. wanna discuss our english assignment?

 **Jens:** actually... I wanted to talk to you about what's been on my mind lately

 **Robbe:** oh, yeah sure! let's talk. what time?

 **Jens:** 12:00? let's go for a drink somewhere or smt?

 **Robbe:** sounds cool, i'll meet you at the school entrance at 12

 **Jens:** cool. see you then :)

Robbe hadn't looked forward to something as much as his hang out with Jens in ages. Finally, they were gonna have some quality bro-to-bro time, talking about what was on their minds, sharing their thoughts and feelings like they always used to do. Finally there wouldn't be a Moyo or an Aaron messing things up or interfering in their conversation. Finally they'd have the time and chance to be honest with each other and to find support in each other. Something they had both missed and longed for more than they knew. It wasn't until Saturday night that both of them realized how much they actually needed each other. As friends. Best friends. They went to the cafeteria close to their school, not feeling like taking a long ass walk towards the city centre to find something more private. This was fine, there were other high schoolers around who would probably notice them and have an opinion about them, but it worked. And they didn't give a shit about the rumors, anyway. Which was ironic, because as much as Robbe had tried to stay inside of the closet and as much as he didn't want people to know he was gay, he actually didn't matter the entire school knew. It felt like a weight had lifted off of his chest, and that felt exhilarating. As they arrived, they sat down at a table next to the window, something they both really liked and something that gave the both of them a certain feeling of peace. 

''So, what has been going on?'' Robbe decided to get straight to the point. He didn't want them to end up talking about useless shit, not when they finally had a chance to be real with each other for once.

''Well... remember when I told you I recognized myself in the things you said?'' Robbe nodded, intrigued to where this was going.

''Something weird has been going on lately. There's this new guy in school. I don't know if you've noticed him, but he's in our English class.''

'"Wait, you mean that... Lucas guy?'' Jens' eyes found his, him quickly looking away again, looking outside of the window to hide his cheeks turning bright red. But Robbe still noticed. ''Wait, are you telling me that you-'' Jens looked back at him, shrugging his shoulders, as Robbe's mouth fell open out of surprise. ''You're _into_ him?''

''I don't know. That's the whole point, how the fuck am I supposed to know? I haven't been into any guy before in my life.''

''How does he make you feel?''

''Hm?''

''Well, when he's around you. What do you feel?'' Jens bit his lower lip, trying to hide a smile.

''I... I feel _curiosity_. I feel like wanting to get to know him. I feel like wanting to know who he is as a person, what his interests are, what kind of music he listens to, what kind of books he likes to read on a rainy Sunday, _fuck_ Robbe, I saw him at the skatepark last week and it was like my heart stopped beating.'' Robbe grinned, adoring the way Jens was describing his feelings towards the new guy who apparently had made his mind a total chaos, something Robbe recognized all too well.

Jens sat down against the backrest of his chair, tossing one hand through his already messy hair, as he continued: ''But what the fuck am I supposed to do with this? I've only been into girls, the last one being Jana. And even she didn't make me feel this way. I don't even know the guy.''

''Sometimes you just meet someone who is... _it_ for you. I experienced that with Sander. Some people are just that... admirable. Magical. All it takes is one look at them and you're completely gone for them. Then it doesn't matter whether it's a guy or a girl. It also doesn't have to mean you're gay. All that matters is getting to know them and wanting to be with them. Fuck what everyone else thinks about it.''

''So you're saying I should just... go for it?''

''Of course. From what I'm hearing, he is way too special to just let go.'' Jens smiled, nodding slightly, a twinkle in his eyes appearing from the thought of Lucas' face.

As silence fell, Robbe slid his chair backwards and stood up to look down at Jens. ''Right. I'm getting us something to drink. What do you want?'' Jens grabbed the menu from the table, studying whatever drinks they sold, quickly deciding he was way too lazy to read everything and just take the same thing he always took. ''A coffee is fine, thanks.''

Robbe patted him on his shoulder, walking towards the bar. As he had ordered two coffees and waited for the girl to finish them for him, he was letting the conversation him and Jens just had sink in. Robbe realized the feeling of things finally making sense was a feeling that made him feel so relieved and joyful. He had been worrying so much about Jens kissing him and maybe being into him, while the whole reason he even tried something in the first place was because he was into the new guy. Robbe actually couldn't believe that both him and his best friend had suddenly found someone who made them feel extremely happy. Made, past tense. Or at least, for Robbe. Because whatever was going on with Sander, he sure as hell wasn't making him feel happy now. As Robbe grabbed both served coffees from the bar, ready to take them with him to their table, he quickly dropped them both on the floor as he crashed into someone when he turned himself around. 

'' _Fuck_ , I'm so sorry. I'm such a klutz, I didn't...''

''It's fine.''

Robbe would've recognized that voice out of anywhere. As he looked up from the floor, he let the image of the tall, incredibly handsome blonde guy sink in. Of course, Sander was here. Of course, Robbe could never have a day where everything went the way he wanted. But _fuck_ , he was looking so good. He was wearing an ecru sweater, his classic leather jacket making him look more muscular. His brown roots were slowly coming through, as his bleached locks were all falling down over his forehead, creating a contrast between his light hair and his tanned skin. He looked absolutely _flawless_.

The bar employee had quickly directed them towards the bathroom, giving Sander space to clean himself off. His entire ecru sweater was messed up, the coffee still dripping down from his pants. Robbe walked after him, as if it came natural to him, not even thinking about wanting to help him, but just doing it. He wasn't sure if it had been the coffee stain he'd wanted to help with, or the fact that he just couldn't get his eyes off of him.

As they walked into the bathroom, Sander quickly grabbed some paper towels and wet them with cold water from the tap. He was rubbing over the coffee stains like crazy, probably not even knowing what he was doing.

''Let me help you.'' Robbe said, as he grabbed some paper towels himself. His mom had always learned him not to rub on stains, but to tap on them and let the paper towel absorb whatever fluid was spilled on the clothes. He sat down on his knees, tapping on the stains on Sander's leg, working his way up towards his- oh, fuck.

Sander looked down at him, clearing his throat as an awkward silence fell. ''I'll... I'll get that.''

He took the wet paper towel from Robbe's hands, slightly touching his skin which made him shiver, continuing to rub over the stains that were left on his pants. Including the area Robbe didn't want to touch. Except, he did. But right now, it would've been awkward. And _fuck_ , it was. But he couldn't get his eyes off of him. The way he tried so hard to get the stains out, the way he lifted up his shirt and revealed a slight part of his chest, the way he leaned against the sink to find his balance. Everything about him was intriguing. It made Robbe realize yet again how much he'd actually missed him. It also made him remember how Sander apparently hadn't.

''Why didn't you respond to my texts?'' Robbe stated suddenly, making Sander look up with surprise. 

He stayed quiet for a while, slowly continuing to get out the stains on his sweater. He sucked at it so much, his entire sweater was soaked. ''Because I didn't let myself respond to you.'' His voice was low, quiet, hoarse from the emotion that came with it. 

''Why not?''

''Because I don't deserve you. And I didn't want to hurt you even more than I already did.'' Sander turned himself to face the sink, throwing the paper towels away in the bin next to it. He looked at himself in the mirror, fixing his hair and readjusting his soaked sweater.

''You do realize leaving me clueless for days, without any sign of how you were doing or how you felt about us, about me, hurt me way more than you reaching out to me ever could. Right?'' Robbe's voice turned louder, stepping closer to Sander in the hope the words would penetrate better somehow. Sander nodded. ''I know.''

''Then why did you?''

''Because I- I don't know.''

''You know what, Sander, never mind...'' As Robbe turned around, starting to walk towards the bathroom door and leaving Sander behind to fix the coffee mess on his own, he was held back by the voice of the blonde guy suddenly sounding very close. He turned back to face him, only to see he was now standing right in front of him. His eyes looked turbulent, as if his thoughts were running wild, yet his entire facial expression looked numb. Sad, even.

''Did you kiss Jens first?'' The tone of his voice was emotional, yet resolute. 

''What?''

''When you and Jens kissed. Did you initiate it or did he?''

''I- what does that even matter?!''

Sander took another step closer, so close that it almost made their noses touch. Robbe swallowed, being completely startled by what Sander was doing to him. He suddenly remembered how weak he could make him feel. ''It matters the fucking world to me, Robbe.'' ''I can't stand the thought of anyone touching you, wanting you, the way that I do. I can't stand the thought of you touching or wanting someone else more than you want me.''

''Then you should know what it feels like for me to see you kissing your so called ''ex''-girlfriend.'' Clearly taken aback from Robbe's reply, Sander just looked at him, never breaking their eye contact. He looked from Robbe's left eye, to his right. Continuously alternating the direction of his gaze. As he suddenly stepped back, breaking the gaze that took Robbe's breath away, Sander sighed. 

''Robbe, that's different.''

''How on earth is that different?'' Robbe lifted his hands to make them fall down on his legs, as to say he didn't understand what the hell Sander was implying. 

''Because you're kissing your best mate who you used to have a huge crush on, even though you assured me that said crush was stupid and didn't mean anything to you anymore.''

Robbe scoffed, looking at his- well, his ''it's complicated'' in complete disbelief. ''You do realize you're going back to a girl you've been dating for six months behind my back every time something goes wrong, right? Even though you said you guys were over? And that that's even worse than whatever happened between Jens and I? See, you have no right to just come here, tell me you want me and ask me for an explanation for why Jens and I kissed. You were the one kissing your ex, you were the one going back to her right in front of my face. Jens kissed me because he was confused and drunk, and I fucking pushed him away because all I could think about was you. Even when the guy I used to have a huge crush on kissed me. Even when that was something I would've died for a few years ago. But now, all I can think about is you. Even when you hurt me, even when you don't seem to give a shit about me, even when you try to beat up my best friend for thinking he wanted me. You know, at least Jens and I communicate. That's something I wish we could do, too.''

Robbe looked at Sander's eyes. He looked defeated, drained. He blinked repeatedly, trying to hold back the tears that were forming in the back of his eyes. Fuck, that hurt.

But for once, Robbe acted like he didn't care. Because he had meant what he said. And Sander had needed to hear it. 

''But, Robbe, I can explain about Br-''

As Robbe turned around and walked out of the bathroom, he didn't hear whatever else Sander had wanted to say. He just left him, defeated, on his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hoped you liked the changes i made in this chapter! i know the choice with jens was a bold one, but i really wanted to insert his relationship with lucas. please let me know what you thought about it in the comments, your opinion means the world to me! :')


	4. Chapter 4: E7

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**Sunday**

It was Sunday afternoon and, per usual when the guys didn't have anything better to do, the Broerrrs visited the Scheldebocht together. Robbe's safe place. The place where he had kissed Sander. Robbe hadn't told Jens about his one-on-one time with Sander, simply because ever since it had happened, his mind had been a complete chaos and he wasn't sure he would be able to handle anyone interfering in it. The chaos in his head resulted in a mixture of emotions, guilt being the biggest one of them. The image of the look on Sander's face when Robbe told him what was on his mind, kept replaying in Robbe's head. He looked so defeated, so _drained_ \- and when Sander finally wanted to explain himself, Robbe just left, because he didn't want to give him the chance to. _Fuck_ , that was actually so messed up. The entire week Robbe had hoped Sander would give _him_ a chance to explain, to reply to all of his messages and calls. And in the end, when Robbe didn't get the chance to but just took it, he declined Sander in the most harsh way he probably could have. 

And _fuck_ , he hated himself for it.

Because he knew something was going on with Sander. He knew ever since the beat up, ever since he saw him change from one person into the other in a matter of seconds, that something was wrong. He knew when he came to his school to try and punish Jens. He knew when he was drawing Robbe, when he got lost in his own thoughts. He knew that going back to Britt meant that Sander was trying to hide something. It all meant something. And even though Robbe hated him for hurting him again and again, part of him knew Sander didn't mean to. He knew something was off and he knew Sander was trying to hide it from him. He had never been one hundred percent sure, though, until Sander told him he didn't _want_ to let himself reply to him, even though he wanted him so badly. 

That's when Robbe knew he was right.

And that's when Robbe fucked up for leaving him behind and not giving him a chance to explain himself.

And he hadn't told anyone about it. He hadn't told anyone about maybe having figured out Sander and about leaving him behind. He hadn't told anyone that he didn't have the balls to let Sander explain, simply because he was being too selfish. Simply because he was only thinking about his own problems and Sander being the biggest cause of them, not once considering that maybe the thoughts about something being wrong with Sander could've been right. Not once considering that Sander could be having the same amount of problems at the same time, maybe even worse. Not once realizing that Sander could be hiding them from him, because he didn't feel safe or comfortable enough to share them with a guy he had only known for three weeks. He realized it eventually, but when it was too late. When he had left Sander all on his own, probably making him feel like an even bigger failure than he already did.

''Have you talked to Sander yet?'' Robbe got pulled out of his thoughts by Jens. He was glad his best friend hadn't seen him with Sander in the cafeteria, because he wasn't ready for the questions he would ask him. '' _What did he say? Did you guys work things out? Did he explain why he went back to Britt?''_ Robbe was glad Jens hadn't seen them, simply because he wouldn't have an answer. Simply because he had been too much of a selfish asshole to let Sander say the things he wanted to say. He had seriously fucked things up very badly now. So instead of telling Jens the truth, he decided to go back to his old habits and tell his best friend a lie, something he had hoped would stop after finally coming out to him. But of course, it didn't. Of course Robbe didn't.

''Eh... no. I suppose he still wants some space.''

Jens nodded, as he bent down to grab his skateboard from the ground. ''Hm, sounds fair. I guess he'll reach out to you when he's ready.'' 

In moments like these, Robbe was glad Jens was one of those guys who didn't keep asking questions to try and get under Robbe's skin. It was one of the things he loved the most about their friendship. They supported each other through thick and thin, but they would never make each other confess things they didn't want to or feel like. They communicated, but they gave each other time and space, too. And Robbe really appreciated that.

As they both put their skateboards underneath their arms, they walked up to Aaron and Moyo, sitting at the edge of the Schelde. As Robbe watched them, he couldn't help but think about that Wednesday night with Sander. His friends were now sitting at the exact same spot they were. Somehow it felt weird to now see his buds there, as if they were intruding some kind of sacred space. And it was, oddly enough. 

''What's up, guys? Recovered from that rumor already?'' Jens looked at Moyo, rolling his eyes out of annoyance, before finally looking at Robbe. He suddenly remembered why he always thought so negatively about his own friends. Moyo was a great example.

They didn't even reply to his fucked up question. Of course they hadn't recovered. Not only had Robbe been outed towards the whole school, but they also knew Jens was confused in some way and that Sander hated his guts for trying something with Robbe. Everyone knew that the ''weirdo best friends'' had kissed, even though there was no proof of it. Sander and Britt had basically been enough proof. Yet, their two friends, Moyo and Aaron, had never asked any of them about it being actually true. They had always called it ''a rumor'', as if they didn't want to believe or admit it was true, as if they didn't even want to consider both of their friends were into guys.

''Wait, what the _fuck?_ Look at that!'' The three of them looked up from Aaron suddenly standing up and pointing towards the other side of the Schelde, his other hand resting in his curly hair, his face covered in complete astonishment. As Robbe turned around to see what his friend was pointing at, his mouth dropped and his heart stopped beating for an endless second.

Aaron was pointing at the building Robbe and Sander had discussed on that special night, wondering why one of the walls had been empty while the others were covered in art. Sander had told Robbe that maybe, just maybe, the one empty wall was being reserved for a special piece or a special someone. It made Robbe wonder who could be exceptional enough to get his own piece of art, to get an entire wall dedicated to just them. It made Robbe feel a little bit like that special someone when Sander had pushed him against it to kiss him and hold him. But today, the wall wasn't empty anymore. The wall was completely covered up, intense colors making their way all over the place, showing off the contours of a face in the midst of them. And anyone could recognize that face from a mile away.

It was Robbe's.

''What the fuck, Robbe?!'' His friends all made their way to the edge, hanging over it to get a clear look of the piece of art in front of them. And Robbe didn't know how to feel. He didn't know what to feel. Because he didn't only recognize that the piece of art was his own face, but he also immediately recognized the artist who had painted him. The intense colors on his face said enough. It was Sander.

''Look at you! Holy _shit_. Who made that?'' As Robbe ignored Moyo's question, he turned around to look at Jens, really feeling the need to see the look on his face in the hope it would somehow make him know how he should be feeling. Should he feel surprised? Should he feel creeped out? Should he feel flattered? His thoughts and emotions were all over the place. And his best friend didn't help much either- his mouth was dropped open and he was just... staring. It was obvious he didn't know what to feel either.

''Wait. What the fuck- it was _Sander._ Wasn't it?'' The sound of Robbe's ''it's complicated'''s name falling off of Aaron's lips made him feel a sting in his chest. Not only because he was clearly not the only one who noticed, but also because he really didn't want to discuss Sander with his friends right now. At least not with these two. Moyo snorted. ''Shit! It must have been! _Jesus_ , Robbe. That guy really _is_ stalking you.''

''What the _hell_ are you on about?'' Robbe looked up from Jens suddenly interfering, his mouth finally being closed after having been dropped open out of surprise for about five minutes. But instead of surprise, his entire face was now covered with anger, obviously directed at Moyo.

''Well... I'm just saying that I wouldn't be comfortable with some random dude painting my face on a wall.'' 

''He isn't just some random dude to me.'' Robbe finally spoke up, making all of his friends look at him surprise, Jens included. ''You just don't know shit.''

Both Moyo and Aaron frowned, looking at each other, speaking out their confusion quietly. ''And what does that mean?''

''It _means_ \- that I have been seeing Sander for weeks now. It means that I fell for him when I met him on the beach trip, it means that he made me realize that I've been a version of myself I didn't want to be. It means that as soon as he kissed me and I started to build up feelings for him, I felt mad at myself and grossed out because of the possibility my friends wouldn't accept me. It means that I am _fucking_ in love with him, while you guys are still being assholes and not owning up to the fact you've known this for a week already.'' Both Moyo and Aaron were silent, not knowing where to look, but definitely avoiding Robbe's gaze. They knew he was right.

''You see, if you're not fine with me being gay, then whatever. But at least have the fucking balls to own up to it.'' Silence fell, as if Robbe just dropped a bomb and his mic afterwards. He looked at Jens, who stared at him with pride, satisfaction flowing through his body because of his best friend being honest and standing up for himself. And most of all, for putting Moyo and Aaron in their place.

Robbe turned around, threw his skateboard on the ground and left, leaving the Broerrrs behind to do or say whatever they wanted with or about Robbe's confession. As he was skating, he slid his hand into his pocket and grabbed his phone out of it.

**Sunday, 14:04**

**Robbe** : _thanks for that painting._

 **Sander:** _how did you know it was mine?_

 **Robbe:** _i'd recognize those intense colors out of anywhere_

**Sander is typing...**

**Seen, 14:08**

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**Tuesday**

It was late, probably too late for Robbe to even be up considering he had school tomorrow morning, but he didn't want to go to sleep. He couldn't, because he wasn't able to get his mind and his eyes off of the mural Sander had painted for him. Of him. Moyo had uploaded a picture of the Broerrrs standing in front of it on his Instagram, obviously ignoring the fact that Robbe had quite clearly told him he was acting like an asshole, Aaron too, still making fun of him with the caption: ''Look at our model Robbe. Available for all bookings now.'' He rolled his eyes. His speech obviously didn't leave much of an impression.

But right now, Robbe couldn't care less about his idiotic friends. All he could think about was Sander.

How he had left him behind, how he had made him feel so bad about himself, how even though Robbe had been an asshole to him the last time they saw each other, he still decided to paint his face on a wall that, in his words, was reserved for someone special. Robbe had no idea what all of this meant. He had no idea what Sander thought of him now. He just couldn't believe the blonde haired guy still thought he was special, even after all they had been through. Especially after what Robbe had put him through during their last encounter.

And the mural itself was magnificent. It was the exact same as the drawing he had made of Robbe about two weeks ago. Beautiful, raw, showing the intense colors Sander had put on the drawing accidentally, thinking he had ruined it, but feeling even more proud of it after Robbe had said he now loved it even more. The drawing was wonderful, but Robbe had never expected it to look even more stunning on a brick wall. On their wall. Because that's what it was. Sander had portrayed Robbe on the wall that was so special to them. It had to mean Sander still wanted him, even though Robbe had declined him so harshly. But as much as Sander hurt him, Robbe knew he didn't deserve him. Not after last Friday.

He looked up from a knock on his door, Milan barging in without any sign of approval from Robbe.

''Robbe do you- wait, what is _that?''_ He barged in even further, throwing himself next to Robbe on his bed, taking his laptop in his hands and admiring the photo Moyo had posted.

''Milan-''

''Is that _you?''_ Robbe rolled his eyes in annoyance, shifting himself in front of his housemate to close his laptop with a loud bang- whilst making sure Milan's fingers wouldn't get hurt. ''I didn't know you modelled for paintings.''

''I _don't._ Someone made this for me.''

Milan's eyebrows raised up as he moved his head backwards a little bit. ''And I suppose that someone must be Sander?''

Robbe looked at him, quietly approving, not being sure where to look afterwards. ''I just don't get it. I don't get him, I don't get myself, I don't get _this.''_ He pointed at his laptop, thereafter letting out a big sigh whilst hiding both hands in his hair. ''I just don't know what to do.''

''Have you talked to him since... you know?'' Robbe appreciated how Milan wasn't saying ''beat up'' out loud, considering it always gave Robbe an awful sting in his chest. Not necessarily just because of the beat up itself, but also because it reminded him of how much Sander had scared him that night. Something he'd rather forget completely. He nodded.

''Yeah. I've seen him twice since. The night after the beat up, I went to a party with the Broerrrs, and he was there too. I saw him with Britt, and... well.''

Milan's mouth dropped open. ''He did _not_.''

''Yeah. At first I felt bad about it. I still do. But what if he just went back to her because he didn't feel safe around me?'' 

''Robbe, you _have_ to stop blaming yourself.'' Milan's voice raised a little, sounding even a little bit strict.

''I am not blaming myself, Milan. I just know something is going on with him, there's something he isn't telling me.''

''How do you know?''

''Because I _know_ him. I know he would never intentionally hurt me. It took me a while to realize that, but... we ran into each other last Friday, at the cafeteria. He looked so drained, so _broken_. That's when I knew for sure something was off. Everything he did, not responding to my messages, going back to Britt, suddenly becoming so defensive and aggressive... it all meant something. And then he told me he doesn't deserve me, and that he didn't let himself respond to me. _Fuck_ , Milan, he is going through something, I just know it.''

Milan bit his lip, obviously not sure what to say. All of this must have sounded so complicated to him. If he only knew how much of a mess Robbe's brain was at this point.

''And then I fucked up. He was about to explain to me why he went back to Britt and I just left. I fucking turned around and walked away, taking away his chance to tell me what was going on.''

Robbe sighed, grabbing his laptop to open it up again. The picture of the mural popped up on his screen. ''And then I suddenly saw this.''

Milan grabbed the laptop out of his hands, holding the screen close to his face, observing the painting Sander had made of him. He was clearly impressed, but also very clearly having second thoughts. ''Looks like he doesn't think you fucked up.'' 

''But what the fuck am I supposed to do now? I texted him a thank you, to which he responded ''How did you know it was mine?'', and then he just started ignoring me again.''

They both looked up from Robbe's bedroom door suddenly being thrown open, Zoë standing at the doorstep. Just like Milan, she had a hard time waiting for permission to come inside. But he actually loved the both of them for it more than he dared to admit. They cared about him more than he thought anyone ever would, and he was incredibly grateful for it. Even though he sometimes still didn't understand why anyone would.

''Oh, my, _god._ Robbe. Amber just sent me a picture of a mural at the Scheldebocht, and it looks _exactly_ like you.''

Milan and Robbe looked at each other, exchanging eye contact, both not completely sure about what to say. So Robbe decided to step up. He was actually quite good at being bold and standing up for himself the past few days. Wow.

''It _is_ me. Sander made that for me.''

''Wait, _Sander?_ As in, Britt's Sander?'' Robbe's stomach twisted. Fuck, that actually sounded so wrong, it made him feel sick. Trying to keep himself from throwing up, he nodded.

''Why would he make that for you?''

''Because... we've been seeing each other.'' Zoë's mouth dropped open. If Robbe didn't know any better, he'd think she was about to pass out. '' _What?''_

''It's- a long story. It's just complicated as fuck right now.''

Zoë's surprise turned into a big smile, as she dropped herself next to Robbe on his bed. She wrapped his arms around him, pulling him close towards her to pull him into a tight hug. Robbe chuckled, hugging her right back, being shocked by the way she reacted so excitedly. Apparently she didn't mind he was seeing Sander behind Britt's back at all, let alone that he was gay.

''Wait. You're _not_ -?'' He questioned, as he pulled himself out of her tight hug slightly, looking at her with both his brows frowned. Zoë shook her head.

''I am actually so glad you've figured this out for yourself, Robbe. And I didn't think I would ever say this, but I'm _so_ glad Sander has finally decided to step away from Britt. The guy deserves so much better. And you're the best thing that could possibly happen to him.'' Robbe could feel his cheeks burning bright red. He felt flattered, not really knowing how he could ever be the best thing that could happen to someone, also not being so sure why she was so happy Sander left her. ''Why does he deserve better?'' 

''Britt has really been trying to be a good girlfriend to him, but she just can't be. I'm not sure what it is he's struggling with- Britt never wanted to tell us, but apparently it's pretty serious. She has just been pushing him from left to right for way too long, she has no idea what she's doing. And when she told us Sander tried to break up with her and she made sure he wouldn't leave her by talking him out of it, we all kind of knew she was acting the same way as with Jens again.''

''Wait, so Sander _did_ break up with her?''

''He tried, yes. But she didn't let him. She tried to convince him she's the only one who understands him and the only one who can help him. Or at least, that's what Jana told us. She always tells her more.'' Milan and Robbe exchanged looks, knowing they were both thinking the exact same. It had never been Sander's choice. He never had one. Britt had always made sure he would think she was the only one who really understood him, trying to talk him out of leaving that safety behind. It indeed was exactly like her time with Jens all over again.

And now Robbe was definitely sure Sander was hiding something. Something serious, something he thought Robbe would never understand, because Britt made him think he wouldn't. Because she made him think nobody would. Not in the way like her, at least.

''But why is it complicated now? Because of her?'' Robbe nodded.

''Yeah... he went back to her after the fight he got into. I tried to reach out to him, but he never replied. I used to think he didn't want me anymore, that he wanted her more than me. But now it all seems to make sense.''

''Robbe... believe me. If he makes something like _that_ for you?'' Zoë pointed at the laptop screen Milan was still holding close to him.

''He must be head over heels in love with you.''

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**Friday, 16:10**

Today, Robbe decided to be bold. He was about to do one of the things that had been on his bucketlist for ages, something he actually wanted to do together with Jens years ago, but never happened. One of them had always been too obligated, too busy to do one of the things they had always wanted to do together. At one point, the wait became so long, Jens decided to do it on his own. His best friend had gotten an earring without him when he was dating Britt, as she obviously had told him it was stupid to wait for Robbe to do it, too. She had always found their friendship ''stupid'' and ''childish''. It was one of the biggest reasons they ever drifted apart in the first place. Ironically.

But today, the two of them finally decided to do it together, after all, even though Jens already had one, Robbe still wanted to get his own together with his best mate. For some reason this moment was special to him, and he really wanted Jens to be there to share it with him. And, who was he kidding, he was actually nervous as fuck, too. But he wasn't gonna show that to Jens. As if he would ever ask him to hold his hand, pff. Unless?

As Robbe sat down on the stool, the employee grabbing his earlobe and getting it ready to shoot a little hole into it, Jens giggled, crossing his arms.

''Look at him, Robbe Ijzermans. Finally doing something he wants.'' Robbe's mouth dropped open a little, being offended yet surprised by Jens' sudden comment.

''Hey. What is that supposed to mean?'' 

''It means you should step up your game a little more. Life is short, take some risks.''

''And with risks, I suppose you mean Sander? Ah, fuck-'' Robbe closed his eyes, pulling a way a little, feeling the pain in his earlobe kick in. He probably should've taken on holding Jens' hand, after all. 

Jens laughed out loud, clearly enjoying what was happening in front of him. ''You're such a pussy.'' Robbe kicked him with his foot, making Jens yelp out of surprise. ''Dude!'' He was right though.

''I just don't know what to do, okay?'' He stood up from the stool, making his way to the mirror to try and put in his first ever earring. As he closed it off, he observed himself, actually feeling quite proud of the way he looked. And that was a first. He supposed it kind of suited him. He couldn't help but think about Sander's opinion. For the first time ever, he hoped someone would actually find him attractive.

''Look, Robbe. The guy clearly is still into you. Why else would he make a mural like that?'' 

Robbe continued to look at himself in the mirror, taking his time to let Jens' words sink in. He was right, though. Sander would've never taken his time and effort to make something like that if he actually hated his guts and didn't want Robbe to reach out to him anymore. It probably must've taken days to complete it, knowing how much of a perfectionist Sander was.

''So what do you think I should do?'' Robbe questioned, as he finally stopped looking at himself in the mirror, now turning himself around to face his best friend.

''I think you should give him an ultimatum. Just text him something like... I want you to make a choice- today. It's either her or me, otherwise it's done for me.''

''But Jens... we both know he won't reply.''

''Well, then that's his loss. Even if he doesn't reply, the guy still knows how to read.''

He had a fair point. Because even if Sander never replied, he always read everything he sent him. Sander knew Robbe tried to reach out, but he just never let himself reply, as he said so himself. And with an ultimatum, Sander couldn't decide to walk away. It was either responding, or Robbe never reaching out to him ever again. He supposed that would work.

''Okay, fine.'' He grabbed his phone out of his pocket, typing the text message faster than he thought he would.

**Friday, 16:30**

**Robbe:** _i want you to make a choice. it's either her or me. otherwise it's done for me._

He showed his screen to Jens, who nodded in approval, telling him to hit the send button and then leave it behind him for a while. And that's what Robbe did. Fuck, his heart started to beat faster right away. He hoped this was a good decision and didn't just scare Sander away even more.

''And don't forget, you've got an earring now. We both know he won't be able to resist you.''

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**Friday, 21:21**

As Robbe walked back home from seeing his mom at the institution, he took a walk around the block to make sure he'd walk past the mural again. For some reason, he felt like seeing it again, observing it and its colors, taking in and appreciating the art Sander had made of him, as if it made him feel closer to him when he wasn't around. He walked past the edge of the Schelde, leaning against the wall they sat on together to take a good look at the painting of his face. Sander really was so talented. The painting wasn't perfect, but neither was Robbe. Neither was their relationship. But in the way of not being perfect, it was actually flawless. The way he showed Robbe's messy hair while he could've chosen to make it more neat. The way it showed off the intense colors Sander first hated, the colors he could've chosen to leave out. The way the art took up the entire wall, while he could've chosen to make it as little as his drawing, now obviously trying to leave a big impression. He had thought about everything, and it showed. 

Robbe took out his phone from his pocket, hoping to see that Sander had replied to his text. He had read it, but he still hadn't replied. And it didn't surprise him at all. Robbe would've done the same if he were him.

He let out an emotionally loaded sigh, hiding both hands in his hair, looking down at the deep waters of the Schelde. 

''Robbe?'' Oh, shit. He'd recognize that voice out of anywhere. He turned around as quickly as he could, seeing the contours of the guy he had missed and craved for so much right in front of him. He looked defeated, his eyebags were pitch black and wrinkled, his hair was more messy than it had ever been, his brown roots showing even more. For once, he wasn't wearing his combat boots, but converse, as if he didn't feel the need to hold up his ''bad-boy'' image right now, right here. He looked like he didn't care about his appearance at all, that his thoughts were the only thing keeping him busy right now. But even now, he still looked _gorgeous_. On a whole new level.

He walked closer to Robbe, taking in his entire body with his eyes, slowly approaching the brunet more and more. Robbe on the other hand, didn't move at all. He couldn't. He was completely taken away by the look of Sander, the way he observed him and the way his eyes locked with his. The way Sander had found him here out of all places, as if he knew Robbe felt like seeing his painting again. As if he could read his thoughts from a mile away. Sander stopped so close to him, that he could feel his breath against the skin on his face. He looked into his eyes, all red and watery, drowning in them immediately. Fuck, he had missed him so much.

Sander reached out even closer, putting his right hand on Robbe's shoulder, resting his forehead against his slowly. The touch of his skin against his made Robbe shiver, it made him realize how much he had actually craved for him. As soon as Sander touched him, fireworks went off in his body. A touch would usually be so simple, but with Sander, it was not. Sander's touch ignited a forest fire inside of him that made him feel like the most ecstatic person alive.

And then suddenly, slowly, carefully, he felt Sander's lips move against his. They touched barely, as if Sander was scared Robbe would explode if he'd put more pressure into it. As if he wanted to show him how he felt with the touch of his lips. And even though Robbe loved it, wanted to pull him even closer towards his body and never let him go ever again- he held back. He grabbed Sander's shirt and pushed him back mindfully. 

''I-''

Sander cut him off immediately. ''I'm sorry. For everything. For lashing out like that, for trying to hurt your best friend, for going back to Britt, for kissing her in front of you. I didn't know you were there, I... I fucked up. Okay, I know I fucked up. There are things about me that you don't know and I am fucking scared for you to find out the truth.''

His forehead was still resting against Robbe's, but he wasn't looking into his eyes anymore. His eyes were darted towards the ground, completely avoiding Robbe's gaze. 

''What are you so afraid of?'' Robbe's voice sounded like a whisper, so soft that it barely was audible. It surprised him when Sander looked up, apparently having heard him anyway. 

The blonde guy swallowed, taking in a deep breath. ''That you'll hate me. That you'll leave me.''

''Sander...''

''You see, when I'm not with you, I think about you all the time. And when I _am_ with you, I feel like my heart is gonna _burst_. I cannot stand the thought of you leaving me because of... _me_.''

''I would never leave you for who you are.'' Robbe could see Sander's eyes becoming wet gradually, tears filling them up, slowly letting his guard fall down. It wasn't until then that Robbe realized how broken he actually was.

''You say that now-''

''I'll say that tomorrow, too.''

''You don't know that.'' Robbe sighed, moving his right hand upwards to rest it on Sander's shoulder, feeling him shiver underneath his palm.

''Sander... I won't leave you if you'll just... talk to me. Don't hide things from me just to make me want you more. I want _all_ of you, including your flaws. We all have them, I mean, look at me.''

Sander snorted slightly, shaking his head. ''You don't have any flaws. You're perfect.''

''I am not, Sander. Nobody is-''

''Well, you're perfect for me.'' It came out like a whisper. Their eyes met once again, but this time, Sander's didn't look broken. They looked hopeful, maybe even a little elated, showing off the slightest twinkle in the midst of his pupil. Robbe could feel the corners of his mouth lift in the slighest way, looking at Sander with nothing but admiration. It was so obvious he was trying, and it was so clear that whatever he had done, nothing had been with the intention to hurt him. He never would.

Robbe's hand that was still on Sander's shoulder now moved up, to cup his face with his palm. He couldn't describe the feeling of Sander's skin against his. It was magical. Just like him.

''I'm sorry. It's you and me, okay? A hundred percent, forever, in every universe. As long as you just keep talking to me.'' Sander put his nose against Robbe's, shifting it against his slowly as he nodded. ''I promise.''

As a tear slid down Sander's cheek, Robbe moved his face to kiss it away, immediately feeling himself craving for more. His lips moved to Sander's jaw, gradually up to his mouth. As he could feel Sander's hand moving towards his back, trying to pull him against his body closer, Robbe looked up into his eyes one last time, as to ask for permission. And that's what he got. Sander moved his hand to Robbe's hair, pushing his head towards his, crashing their lips against each other. It was like that Wednesday night all over again. Robbe could feel himself getting weak in Sander's grip, moving his hands to his neck to hold him and to be able to kiss him the way he wanted. Their lips moved against each other so passionately, so smoothly and effortlessly, as if they hadn't ever stopped. As Sander's tongue slid past Robbe's lower lip, he pulled the blonde's hair as a reaction which delivered a moan that sounded almost angelic to him. He smiled against his lips, standing on his tiptoes to be able to move his tongue around Sander's even better. 

''Can we- can we _please_...'' Robbe whined as his hand slowly moved downwards to the belt on Sander's pants. He knew Sander said he wanted to go slow and take time. But right now, Robbe didn't want to hear any of that, even though he had meant it so well. He wanted him, all of him, right now, he couldn't wait any longer. He had missed him for way too fucking long already.

Sander chuckled against his lips, carresing the back of Robbe's head with his fingertips. '' _Fuck_ , yes. But please say at yours.''

''Why?'' Robbe let go of his lips for what felt like the first time in hours, them being completely soaked from Sander's tongue. He immediately felt like he was missing something. 

Although, the way Sander said he wanted to go to Robbe's instead of his own, made him feel a sting of confusion and insecurity, as if he was still trying to hide something. More specifically, trying to hide _him_. 

Sander smiled widely, something Robbe hadn't seen in a long time. It was the most wonderful thing he had ever seen in his life. _Fuck_ , he had missed him so much it was driving him insane.

'' _Because_ , my mom will be home. And when she sees you, she will immediately want to meet you and talk to you all night. She already asked me several times to bring you home because she wants to meet you so badly. But we don't have time for that right now.'' The last sentence came out like a whisper, a teasing and seducing one, as Sander let his hand move down Robbe's back, slowly letting it move towards the dimples in spine, pulling him closer towards him again, pressing a longing, deep kiss on his still wet lips. Robbe could feel the butterflies in his stomach fly around at a high tempo. The grin on his face was truly remarkable.

''You told your mom about me?'' He murmered against Sander's lips, receiving a smile against his right back.

''Hm-m.'' 

-

The ride back home seemed to take ages. It was messy and chaotic, but _so_ incredibly fun. They had been trying to give each other kisses whilst cycling, which resulted in the both of them almost falling down the entire ride. But they didn't give a fuck. All they wanted and cared about was each other. As they arrived at the flatshare, they practically dumped their bikes at the front door, not even caring about locking them. They immediately fell back into each other's arms, as Sander pushed Robbe against the front door. His hands were all over his body- his back, his chest, his face, ending up at the side of his belt, trying to make his hand disappear inside his pants.

''Sander- I have to...''

''Hmm?''

''I have to unlock the door.'' Sander let go suddenly, staring at the door with confusion and impatience. Ah, right.

Robbe giggled as he turned around, grabbing his keys from his pocket, trying to unlock the door as quickly as he possibly could. But _fuck_ , Sander was making it so hard for him. He put his hands around Robbe's waist, pushing his body against his back, giving him soft kisses in his neck from behind, slowly biting his skin inbetween his lips. '' _Fuck_ , Sander...'' He could feel him chuckle against his skin, clearly enjoying the impact he had on him.

As the door finally went open, Robbe grabbed Sander's hands on his waist and pulled him with him towards the elevator. As they waited to reach the right floor, Sander pushed Robbe against the elevator's wall, kissing his neck, moving his hand underneath his shirt, making Robbe shiver from the cold feeling of his fingertips against his heated skin. Robbe's hands moved all the way through Sander's hair, making it even more messy than it already was, as he bit his lip to try and release the pleasure. 

The elevator seemed to take ages, it went so _fucking_ slow, as if it knew they couldn't wait any longer. ''What is taking this _damn_ thing so long?'' Sander groaned against the skin in Robbe's neck, slapping his hand against the elevator's wall. He couldn't help but giggle.

'' _Fuck this.''_ He suddenly grabbed Robbe's legs, lifting him up, pushing him against the wall, pushing his lower body against his. Robbe let out a little yelp since Sander acted so unexpectedly, it immediately changing into a moan from the feeling of Sander's crotch against his. As he wrapped his legs around Sander's waist, the blonde let his both hands move from Robbe's legs down to the edge of his jeans, undoing the belt as quickly as he could.

'' _Sander,_ we're in a-''

''Shut up.'' Robbe bit his lip as Sander unbuttoned his pants, his hand sliding down the edge of his boxers. His lips found his way back to his neck, sucking the skin and leaving heated marks all around it.

As Sander's hand moved up and down, Robbe tried _so_ hard to stay silent- so hard to remember the elevator could stop at any second- but _fuck_ , it felt way too good. '' _Jesus_ , Sander...''

And then the doors went open. _Shit_. 

Sander let go of Robbe as quickly as he could, basically almost dropping him onto the floor, his eyes moving to the opening of the elevator immediately.

But there was nobody there. _Lucky bastards_.

Sander turned around to look at Robbe once again, who was still standing against the elevator wall. His cheeks were bright red, his hair was all over the place, his pants still unbuttoned. Sander chuckled, grabbed his hand and pulled the brunet towards him. '' _Come_.''

Robbe practically kicked open the front door to his flat, dragging Sander into his bedroom. He threw the door shut, not once stopping to kiss the blonde haired miracle. They were so in sync, so in the moment, that they didn’t even think about making too much noise or there being other people at home. All they could think about was each other, _them_. They cut off their kiss for a second, for Sander to take off Robbe’s jacket quickly. His breath hitched from the way Robbe looked at him as their eyes met, realizing he didn't ever want to stop kissing him, not even for a damn second. It was like his lips were a magnet, pulling him back every damn time. His breath clashed against Robbe's skin heavily, as he started to kiss him again, even more passionately than before, a little rough even, as if being this close to Robbe still wasn’t close enough. He had missed him so _fucking_ much. 

Robbe took off Sander’s jacket too, quickly, struggling a little bit more than Sander did, which made the blonde guy chuckle. Fuck, he was adorable. Robbe blushed, rapidly throwing Sander's leather jacket on the floor, trying to ignore the fact he wasn't as smooth as he was. He pulled him towards him by his shirt roughly, making their bodies clash against each other, resulting in a moan from Sander.

Sander moved his hands down Robbe’s sweater, which made him shiver after feeling his now warmed up fingers on his bare skin. Robbe moved up his arms as Sander took it off, breaking the kiss once again. He silently admired Robbe’s chest for a second, moving his thumbs over it, being a little overwhelmed and being _really_ turned on by how astonishingly gorgeous he looked, which made him want him even more. Robbe smiled, enjoying how Sander clearly couldn't get his eyes off of him, though quickly taking him out of his gaze to now take off the blonde's shirt. He looked at him, down from his chest up to his face, and before he could decide to kiss him again, he felt Sander’s tongue moving against his lips. The wet feeling made Robbe feel so- _alive_ and _fuck- so_ turned on. This guy was doing so many things to him he just couldn’t explain. But Sander just couldn’t resist – he wanted Robbe _so_ badly, kissing wasn’t enough, he couldn’t hold himself back anymore. He had been fucking up things for way too long, he had been staying away from Robbe for way too long.

He put his arm around Robbe’s back and moved him towards the bed, the both of them not having anymore patience to take off their pants, too. Robbe put his hand on Sander’s shoulder and gently (but less gently than expected) pushed him onto the bed, landing on top of him.

They were lying still for a second, both admiring each other and taking a moment to take each other in and realize this was actually happening. _They_ were finally happening. Sander smiled, adoring and enjoying how bold Robbe was being- _god_ , it turned him on _so_ much. He brought his lips back to Robbe's again, moving his hand from the brunet's side towards his face. He kept moving his hands all over him, exploring every single inch of his body, as they finally ended up in his hair - his favorite spot, his favorite feeling in the world. He could feels Robbe’s necklace falling down on his chest, moving along with the motion of his body.

He moved his hands through Robbe’s hair, pulling it roughly as soon as he started going down and kissed his neck, to release the pleasure he was feeling. He moaned, closed his eyes and bit down on his lower lip, enjoying it _so_ much, getting more turned on every damn second. He wanted him naked, _completely_ , as soon as possible.

But in the midst of all of it, Robbe felt nervous. Yet, he climbed on top of Sander acting like he was not, wanting to impress him but also not wanting to let him down at the same time. He hadn’t done this before, ever, yet Sander had. Fuck, he wasn't actually thinking about him and Britt again, was he? Could he for once just enjoy the damn moment? Sander pulled away a bit, clearly noticing something was wrong.

''Hey. What's up?'' He pushed himself upwards, making Robbe sit on his lap. As they were both shirtless, Sander couldn't resist to touch Robbe's collarbone with his fingertip, slowly moving it down, following the traces on his chest. It left Robbe with goosebumps all over his body. But he stayed quiet, just shrugging and looking at Sander's chest, admiring how beautiful he was. ''Robbe. Remember what we said about talking?'' 

Robbe smiled lightly. He had a fair point. It had been Robbe's idea after all. ''I know... it's just...''

''Hm?'' Robbe let out a loud exhale.

''It's- I have no clue what I'm doing.''

''You're doing great, Robbe...''

''No, I mean- I... it's my first time. You're my first.'' Sander looked up at him with surprise, his eyebrows raised, clearly being unsettled by this sudden reveal. Apparently it was something he hadn't expected.

''Wait, _really?_ You and Noor never...?''

''No. I mean, we tried. But it never worked. All I could think about was you.'' A smile worked its way onto Sander's face slowly, as his eyes started to twinkle. He put his index finger underneath Robbe's chin, making him look him into his eyes. Robbe looked so insecure, which was so damn adorable, but it really wasn't necessary. Because even if Robbe hadn't told him he would be his first, he really wouldn't have noticed. He gradually moved closer to his face, planting a soft, reassuring kiss on his lips.

''You're doing fantastic.'' Robbe felt butterflies flying through his stomach, as his heart started to beat faster.

''There's no need to be nervous, okay? Just... be you. And if you want me to stop, just say it, and I will.'' Sander's voice sounded so reassuring that it was basically heavenly, something Robbe didn't know he needed this much. The way Sander made him feel so secure about himself but also so safe around him, made him feel like the luckiest guy alive. And he was. He bent over to kiss his blonde haired miracle on his lips softly, wrapping his arms around his neck to make himself come closer. Sander wrapped his arms around his waist, quickly turning them around, completely taking over. 

As this was his first time, Sander wanted him to enjoy it as much as possible, make him feel as safe and wanted as possible. He held Robbe’s body at his sides with his big hands, consuming him completely, massaging his soft skin with his fingers, kissing him all the way down from his neck, to his nipple, to the belt on his pants. They were slow, wet kisses that left marks all over Robbe’s body.

Robbe shivered from the touch of Sander’s bleached hair moving down his body, and started to get more turned on each second. Sander quickly took off Robbe’s pants and his own, leaving the both of them completely naked.

He looked at Robbe’s face, admiring it and taking it in- he was enjoying everything Sander was doing to him _so damn much_. He loved how he was taking control, making him feel so good, and the best part had yet to come. He never could’ve imagined his first time being _this_ good. He never could've imagined it happening with someone like Sander, someone that made him feel this magical.

Sander quickly climbed back on top of Robbe, treasuring his beautiful face for a second, as he started to kiss him passionately yet again. They were both breathing heavily, feeling their bare, hot, sweaty skin moving against each other, feeling their most intimate parts against each other. They were both on fire, enjoying every single second with each other, being so insanely hot for each other.

Sander crawled up Robbe’s arms with both hands, making Robbe shiver, him intertwining their fingers of both hands together, making sure all parts of their bodies are touching.

''And this earring, by the way?'' He said, as he pulled back a little. Robbe looked him into his eyes, them being covered in passion and admiration.

'' _Fuck_ , that's hot.'' Robbe giggled, thinking about what Jens had told him. Sander moved his face towards Robbe's jaw, leaving butterfly kisses on his skin, working his way down to his neck to eventually end up at his ear. He took the earring inbetween his lips, sucking it slightly, resulting in a moan from Robbe. If only he had known getting an earring would've also made sex better, he probably would've gotten it a lot sooner. Not that he wanted anyone else than Sander, though. Nobody could make it as astonishingly heated as him.

Robbe pushed his fingers into Sander’s back, trying to release the pleasure he was feeling from Sander moving against his body, as the blonde was finally inside of him, holding his face, making sure he was giving Robbe the best first time _ever_.

Even though Sander was scared he would hurt Robbe, that he wouldn't understand whatever he was going to tell him, his love and attraction towards the damn gorgeous brunet were way bigger than his fear. He was done with holding back. He wanted to give all of himself to Robbe and have all of Robbe to himself. From now on it was only gonna be them. No more lies, no more secrets, no more fucking Britt. And in this moment, _it was only them that mattered_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was so hard to write, my god. it took me days to get inspiration, until i finally found a way to make this episode my own. i really hope the chapter doesn't feel rushed. please leave comments on what you thought about it! it really helps and keeps me going ♥ thank you for taking the time to read.


	5. Chapter 5: E8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: this chapter contains sexual content and anger issues!

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Saturday**

Robbe woke up from the feeling of someone's finger moving carefully past his cheek. It moved up and down slowly, caressing his skin so mindfully that it almost tickled. He opened his eyes fluttering, to find the contours of Sander's gorgeous morning face right next to him. He hadn't left. He hadn't tried to sneak out because he had changed his mind about everything they had said. He stayed, next to him, near to him, feeling closer to him than ever. 

''Good morning, sleepyhead.'' He murmured against his cheek, his nose touching the corner of his eye. Robbe giggled, turning around to face Sander with the front of his body, climbing on top of his chest, wrapping his arm around his shoulder. ''You're here.'' He whispered. For a moment it felt like last night had been a dream, a fantasy Robbe had wanted to be reality so badly, but as soon as he saw the blonde's face, he knew it hadn't been. It had all been real.

Sander pulled back a bit, trying to find Robbe's eyes. ''Of course I am. Wait, you thought I would've left?'' 

Robbe shrugged, moving his finger past the defined lines of Sander's torso. He took in a deep breath, the familiar scent of Sander entering his body, making him feel safe in what was less than a second.

''Why?'' Sander's voice sounded soft, almost incomprehensible. The feeling of insecurity crippled through his stomach, a feeling he wished he didn't have to feel around Robbe anymore. And definitely not right now. Robbe looked up, finding Sander's gaze, his eyes looking confused, showing off signs of anxiety. He lifted up his left arm to touch his face with his index finger, caressing his soft skin slowly. ''I don't know. I guess I didn't know what to expect.''

''I won't leave you again, Robbe. I really mean that.'' Robbe swallowed, studying the blonde's face as a whole, taking in all the details that always made him feel so incredibly weak for him. Even in the morning, even when he hadn't done anything to his face or his hair or anything at all, he still looked gorgeous. He didn't even have to try. It just came naturally to him.

Sander shifted a little, grabbing Robbe by his waist and turning them around. He looked down on the brunet, his right elbow supporting him, his left hand tracing a path down Robbe's flawless face. As for Robbe himself, he didn't say anything. He just stared at Sander, letting him guide him however he wanted to, waiting for him as he expected him to continue whatever he still wanted to say.

''People say you only fall in love once. But every time I see you, I fall in love all over again.'' It came out like a whisper, as Robbe felt Sander's breath falling down on his skin. His face came closer towards his, his nose rubbing against his softly. It sent shivers all the way from his neck down to the dimples of his spine. Fuck, the way he made him feel was indescribable.

''I love you, Robin.'' The words sounded almost angelic. Robbe swallowed, the emotions in his body rising up to a whole new level, almost lifting him up from the bed. He had waited so long to hear Sander say those words. He had waited so long for Sander to finally admit it was more to him too, that Robbe wasn't the only one feeling things he had never felt before with anyone. ''I love you, too.'' He whispered, causing Sander to smile. His finger traced along the laugh lines close to his cheek, his thumb ending up on his lower lip. 

''There's no one like you. There never could be.'' He moved even closer, brushing his lips against his so carefully, they barely even touched. Robbe moved his head upwards, trying to reach out for his kiss, being so annoyed by the tease that was Sander who kept pulling back, clearly enjoying the game they were playing. And hell, Robbe was enjoying it so damn much, too.

''I'm never letting you go ever again. From now on, it's just the two of us.'' As Sander finally crashed his lips against his, it was like Robbe finally remembered what it felt like to breathe, as if Sander was the oxygen he so badly needed. His lungs were once again filled and his heart started racing in his chest, as the hairs on his body started to raise from excitement and sensation. He wrapped his arm around Sander's shoulder, trying to pull him even closer. But Sander held back, not letting himself fall down onto Robbe's chest. As his tongue slid past Robbe's lower lip, asking for access, his hand travelled from Robbe's torso down to his waist, his hand trying to carefully pull up the way too big shirt he was wearing. Robbe whimpered as the blonde released himself from his lips, moving down to kiss his neck and sucking the skin softly yet sensationally good. '' _Sander...''_ He bit his lower lip, trying to release the pleasure Sander made him feel. And he continued, kissing him slowly down to his chest, his nose tickling Robbe's skin, as he finally ended up at the edge of his boxers.

''What are you planning?'' Robbe questioned, the tone of his voice sounding inquisitive, yet even a bit nervous. Of course, he and Sander had had sex now, and it had been incredibly good, but Sander still remained mysterious to him. Everything about him, every move, every breath, it was all so unexpected and so inexplicable. ''Something I've been wanting to do forever.'' 

As Sander's fingers slid down the band of Robbe's boxers, trying to pull them down smoothly, Robbe grabbed ahold of both of his wrists, stopping him in an instant.

''Sander...''

''What's wrong?'' The blonde looked up, his face still hanging above Robbe's thighs, clearly unsettled from Robbe interrupting him so suddenly.

''Don't you think we should talk first?'' Sander frowned by his question.

''About-?''

''Come on, Sander. You know what I mean.''

''So _now_ you want to talk? You weren't very keen on talking yesterday when we arrived at your flat.''

Robbe rolled his eyes, making himself move backwards a bit to make sure he would distance himself from the blonde a little more, showing off he was annoyed by his ignorant reaction. ''Sander, you know that was different.''

''Yeah, yeah. I know. I'm sorry.'' Sander moved himself upwards by his hands, reaching out to Robbe's chest, wrapping his arm around it as he lied down his head on his torso. The sound of his heart beating echoed through his ear. It was the most beautiful and peaceful sound he had ever heard. He planted a kiss next on the skin right above his heart. ''It's just that... it's gonna take me some time, you know? To tell you about everything. With Britt, I handled things the wrong way and I completely messed up our relationship, and in the end I messed her up, too. I don't want that to happen with you. With us.'' Robbe nodded.

''That's fair. You can take all the time you need, we'll have forever anyway, right?''

Sander smiled softly, closed his eyes and pushed himself closer towards Robbe's chest. ''Right.'' It came out like a whisper, almost as if it was a wish, something he was imagining with his eyes closed.

''Can I ask you something?'' Robbe questioned after a non-awkward silence had originated between them for a little while. ''Hm-m.''

''The way you... lashed out like that. At our date and at my school. Does that have anything to do with what is going on with you?''

Robbe could sense Sander was getting nervous, almost uncomfortable, as he started to draw lines faster and faster on the center of his chest. He could feel his heart beating faster against his body. ''Yes. I- I take meds for it. I sometimes have some anger issues I deal with. But the meds usually prevent me from having them.''

''Anger issues as in... tantrums?'' Sander nodded carefully, so much that Robbe barely noticed. '' _Shit.''_

''Yeah, I know it's fucking messed-'' Robbe moved himself quickly, grabbing Sander's face with both hands, making him look at him. He moved his both thumbs over his cheeks, caressing them carefully as if he wanted to calm him down, reassure him everything would be okay. ''Hey. It's tough, but it's a part of you. Which means we'll just have to deal with it. And we will. _I will.''_ Sander smiled lightly, a twinkle in his eyes appearing. Robbe wasn't sure if it were tears or just a sparkle of both happiness and relief. He guessed it was probably a mixture of both.

''You know, when you said you wouldn't leave me again, that goes for me too. Whatever happens, I'll stay with you. You know that right?'' Sander shifted closer towards his face, planting a soft kiss on his lips, putting his left hair in the strands of Robbe's hair. He caressed his scalp with his fingertips, brushing his nose against his softly.

''I do.'' His whisper sounded hoarse from the emotion it was loaded with.

Robbe grinned, kissing him once again, brushing their noses against each other. ''Good.''

''So, in terms of communicating, can I ask you something now?'' Robbe looked at Sander with an appreciative smile on his face, acknowledging how he was trying so hard to make this whole communication thing work. He knew it was hard for him. He knew he struggled with being honest and open about not just his feelings, but also his flaws. Which, to Robbe, didn't specify as flaws. It were just the things that made him more Sander, the things that made him love and admire him even more. So he just nodded, curious about what was on his mind this time.

''I know I shouldn't bring it up again but... when you and Jens kissed. Did it feel like... the way it feels with us?''

Robbe could feel his chest ache from the tone of Sander's voice. He suddenly looked so small inside his arms, so vulnerable. It had been weeks, yet Sander still hadn't forgotten about something that he didn't even see, something Robbe hadn't taken that seriously at all. It showed yet again how sensitive Sander actually was, but mostly how much he actually cared about Robbe.

He shook his head instantly, making his nose brush against Sander's another few times. ''No. Not even close.''

The blonde smiled, letting out a relieved breath, pulling Robbe closer by the hand on his cheek to softly brush his lips against his. As Robbe's hands moved towards Sander's back, tracing the contours with his fingertips pushing into his skin, things gradually started to become heated again. Sander moved up, placing both knees beside Robbe's body, closing him in completely, not making him able to move. He grabbed his wrists and pined them next to his face into the pillows, as he approached his neck, softly yet passionately sucking the skin. He moved upwards, his nose brushing against Robbe's skin, as he ended up at his ear, licking it, taking in the earring between his teeth. Robbe moaned as he pushed his fingers even deeper into Sander's skin. '' _Fuck-_ you really want some, don't you?''

Sander chuckled, almost inaudible from his mouth being hidden into the crook of Robbe's neck. ''Don't act like you don't want this, too.'' He was right. Robbe wanted it damn much, and Sander knew. He always knew what he wanted. And he loved teasing him for it. _God,_ how did he ever get so lucky.

Sander moved down towards Robbe's chest, placing butterfly kisses around his necklace, infiltrating him with wet kisses all the way down to his v-line. Robbe shivered from the feeling of the soft strands of bleached hair against his skin, burying his hand in Sander's hair, pulling it as soon as he reached his boxers. Sander grinned against his skin, obviously enjoying the influence he had on him. He put his fingers underneath the band of his boxers, placing soft, quick kisses all across the top. 

''So am I allowed now?'' He sucked his skin slightly, leaving a dark red mark right underneath his belly button. Robbe breathed out heavily, biting his lower lip, pulling Sander's hair even stronger than before. ''Or do you want to continue _''communicating''?''_

Robbe whined which caused Sander to laugh out loud. He looked down at him, taking in the beauty that was lying down in front of him. _Fuck,_ he could make him come undone right there and then with just one look. Robbe never thought the image of someone lying inbetween his legs could look this good. But how was he even surprised at this point, it was Sander after all. 

'' _Fuck-_ no I don't.'' Robbe's voice was hoarse, so badly Sander could barely understand what he said. But even if he hadn't, he would've still been able to guess what it was Robbe wanted so badly. 

And Sander wouldn't be Sander if he wouldn't just continue teasing him for just a few minutes. Not just because he liked how annoyed it made Robbe, but mostly because the look on Robbe's face when he teased him was such an incredible turn on. ''You sure? I mean we could always discuss-''

''Fuck _yes_ , I'm sure, Sander. Just... continue, please.'' Robbe was basically begging at this point. And he didn't even give a fuck. It was quite clear he wanted Sander, more than everything.

''Continue what exactly?''

Robbe let out a boisterous whine, tugging his hands into Sander's hair even stronger. '' _Jesus,_ why are you always such a fucking tease...''

He jolted when Sander suddenly slid down his boxers from his hips smoothly, throwing them off of the bed. He bent his head forward yet again, moving down to place wet kisses all over Robbe's thighs.

''I want to hear you say it.'' He whispered against his skin, slowly, so _fucking_ moderately, as he moved his hands all over his waist and his chest, not once touching the part he wanted him to touch the most. He actually really needed to hurry up and make a move now, or Robbe would simply burst from the next word he'd say. 

'' _Sander...''_

''Do it.'' Robbe bit his lower lip, feeling a little uncomfortable by asking for what he wanted - _sexually_ \- yet Sander always made him feel like a more bold version of himself, one that could achieve anything, one that wasn't afraid to do whatever it was. And right now, that part inside of him was called up by the blonde in front of him yet again.

''I- okay. _Fine._ I want you to... go down on me.''

''Ah, so _that's_ what you want me to do. Pff, you could've said that way sooner.'' Robbe laughed, the nerves and the desire both coming out all at once. He hated how Sander was like this. So much, that it only made him love him even more. Did that make any sense? Probably not. '' _Fucking idiot.''_

Robbe gulped as Sander suddenly, so unexpectedly, took him into his mouth completely. He moved up and down so incredibly slow, as if going any faster would hurt him, as if he know Robbe was a bomb that would go off right underneath him if he even dared to bring up the pace. As he added his hand, Robbe couldn't help but pull his hair so much he was sure it hurt him, letting out the loudest moan he'd ever done. '' _Jesus christ,_ Sander...'' He hoped nobody else was at home. Well, and even if they were, they would now know Robbe was, too. And that he was finally having some sexual action. That's something especially Milan would love to hear.

Sander chuckled softly as he started moving faster, as if the sound of Robbe's moan was a sign that he needed to give more. And he did. 

'' _Fuck_ , I- Sander, I'm-'' And well, that bomb went off quickly. Robbe almost felt embarrassed, that's how short he had lasted. But he couldn't help it. Sander was just so... incredible. Everything he did to him was always exactly right. He knew precisely what to do and how to do it. Fuck, he really had him wrapped around his finger. And he wouldn't want it any other way. 

''Damn. I knew I was good but...'' Robbe's mouth fell open from Sander's confidence. It was as if the guy didn't know shame. ''You're _so_ full of yourself.'' The blonde snorted from Robbe's comment, getting up and crawling on top of the brunet's body. Robbe shivered from the way Sander's body was lingering above his own, as he noticed him taking in his upper body completely. It made him even more attractive than he already was. 

''The two of us.'' He whispered, as he used his right hand to wipe away some strands of hair from Robbe's forehead. He smiled softly, bowing down to rest his nose against his. 

''The two of us.'' Robbe replied, his voice just as inaudible as Sander's, as he grabbed him by his neck and pulled his lips towards his. 

He had never felt so lucky to be alive.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Friday, 14:17**

During their hours on the bus, Robbe had tried to pull the surprise location out of Sander, but he had always refused to tell him. ''That's the whole point of a surprise, Robbe,'' he then had said. And even though he was right, Robbe still wanted to know. He knew Sander quite well, but he wasn't sure Sander knew him and his interests just as good. He probably did, but what if he was taking him somewhere Robbe secretly hated? How would he ever tell him that? It was actually kind of freaking him out.

Until they arrived. That's when Robbe immediately knew Sander knew him just as well as he knew him. 

As Robbe stepped out the bus, letting himself be guided by Sander's hand intertwined in his, he looked around and took in the view. Of course Sander had taken him to the place where they first met. The smell of the sea and the beach felt so recognizable, so much like home. It was like the feeling of safety hit him as soon as the bus drove away. He couldn't believe Sander wanted to spend the entire weekend here, the place where it had all started, remembering the times they had together. 

''We're spending the weekend at the beach house?'' Sander snorted at Robbe's surprised voice. The effect he had on him was inconceivable, and he couldn't help but experiment with it in every way he could and wanted to. The way Robbe had practically never done anything romantically or sexually ever before, made this whole relationship all the more exciting to Sander. Mostly because he was gonna be his first of everything. Mostly because Sander knew that every single thing Robbe would experience for the first time was in his hands, making sure he could give Robbe all the firsts he deserved in the right and most special way possible. Because, God, he deserved for every single moment in his life to be just as exceptional as him.

''Correction: we're spending the weekend at the place where you fell ridiculously hard for me.'' Robbe's mouth fell open, giving Sander a slight push against his shoulder before finally wrapping his arms around his waist. He buried his nose in his neck, breathing in his familiar scent. The way Sander had thought this through was actually incredible. He didn't just take him anywhere, he took him to the place where it had all begun, moments Robbe wished he could experience over and over again. 

As they walked past the house to find their way to the entrance, they couldn't help but smile when they passed the garbage trucks. It was the place where they had first kissed, the place where Robbe finally (kind of) admitted to having feelings for a guy, to having feelings for Sander, to owning up to the fact that he was in love and that he couldn't work his way around it however much he though wanted to.

Then, suddenly and unexpectedly, Sander grabbed ahold of Robbe's shoulders, placing the brunet in front of him and covering both of his eyes with his hands. 

''What are you-''

''Ssh.'' Robbe could feel Sander standing closer towards him, his body being just a few inches away from his. As he felt Sander's warm breath against the skin in his neck, he shivered, biting his lip to contain the biggest smile he possibly could have covering his face. His boyfriend brushed the skin in his neck with his nose and left a few kisses all the way up, after he slowly whispered: ''Do you trust me?'' 

Robbe nodded, trying so hard to contain himself, trying so hard to not just take away Sander's hands and turn around, wrapping his arms around his neck and pulling him as close to him as possible. It was all he ever wanted.

''Yes.'' He finally answered, succeeding in standing still, feeling even a little bit proud of himself. Because he was never able to resist Sander. Definitely not when he was practically pushing his crotch against his back. 

''Okay. Slowly.'' Sander guided Robbe forwards cautiously, as if he was scared to break something, scared to break him. His hands were still in the same place, in front of Robbe's eyes, making the brunet unable to see anything other than pitch black. Sander giggled a few times as Robbe whined impatiently. He was enjoying this way too much. He loved teasing Robbe, it was something he was good at and liked to experiment with. And as far as he knew, Robbe adored it just as much.

After what felt like hours but were only a few minutes in reality, Robbe was startled from Sander suddenly stopping him. 

''We're here.'' The blonde pressed another few kisses to his neck, creating goosebumps all over his body. ''You ready?'' Robbe shivered from his whisper against his skin. Fuck. Of course he was ready. It didn't even matter what it was. As long as Sander was there with him, he'd be ready for anything. So he nodded quickly, impatiently, having waited for way too long already, not being able to contain his biggest smile anymore.

''Yes, for fuck's sake! I'm ready.'' Sander giggled, placing a kiss on the back of Robbe's head, digging his nose into his hair to try and mute his laugh. Robbe loved it when he did that. 

''Alright. Open your eyes.'' 

And that's what Robbe did. And as soon as he was able to see again, his mouth dropped open in an instant.

Sander had taken Robbe to the exact same beach house they had stayed at five weeks ago. The same living room, the same kitchen where Sander had made him the best croque ever, the same bedroom where Robbe used to share a bed with a girl he never really liked. The same house where he had met him. The same house where he had fallen for him right when he saw him. It was crazy how five weeks had changed Robbe's entire life completely. Even the beach house itself wasn't the same as back then. The living room was filled with burning candles, making the entire room look like gold. The door to the master bedroom was opened, showing the bed being covered up in what looked like a thousand rose petals. The house smelled like vanilla, mixed with one of the most familiar scents Robbe knew, yet, he wasn't able to place it. The entire place looked like as if it came straight from a movie. 

Robbe felt Sander wrapping his arms around his waist, resting his chin on his shoulder. ''And? Do you like it?''

''Sander...'' Robbe turned around in his grip, wrapping both arms around the blonde's neck, placing a soft, long kiss on his lips. Fuck, he had been dying to do that for what felt like hours.

''This is incredible. I don't even know what else to say.'' 

Sander smiled, grabbing Robbe's arms that were still resting around his neck to be able to hold both of his hands. '"Come.''

He pulled him with him, guiding him towards the kitchen. Suddenly, Robbe knew exactly where the familiar scent came from. Right next to the kitchen counter, there was a little table, the tiniest one he had ever seen (logically, since they barely fit in the kitchen together), one that hadn't been there during their first time. It was filled with all sorts of food, two plates and a few candles in the middle, making it look like the most romantic thing Robbe had ever seen. Robbe giggled as he saw two croques lying on both of their plates, admiring how Sander had apparently experienced that moment as something special, too. Or at least, it showed he hadn't forgotten about it.

''Remember when we were in here and I made you these?'' Sander questioned as he walked towards the table and took a bite of his croque. He chewed on it for a while as Robbe nodded in agreement, just admiring how attractive Sander looked in every way, even when he was eating. It really was so unfair. The blonde walked up to him, holding the croque in front of his mouth. God, he was actually such a cliche, repeating the exact same moment as back then. He even knew how to create the exact same kind of electricity, because damn, Robbe's heart was beating so fucking fast.

''It's not the best croque ever, I mean, those are mine. But it works for now.'' He shrugged, putting it back on his plate as he grabbed Robbe by his waist. The brunet was being taken completely off guard as Sander put him on top of the kitchen counter.

''You know... back then, when we stood here, I had such a hard time keeping my hands off of you.'' Fuck, there was the damn electricity again. If Sander was gonna continue this much longer, Robbe was afraid he was gonna be having a heart attack.

Sander stood even closer, spreading Robbe's legs and pushing his lower body against his. ''You looked _incredibly_ attractive.'' He buried his face into Robbe's neck, kissing it all the way up to his ear and taking his earring inbetween his teeth. Robbe whined as Sander licked it, brushed his nose against his cheek and ended up sucking the skin in his neck softly.

''You took my breath away. Just by standing there and being you.'' His fingers lifted up the ends of Robbe's shirt, travelling all over his boyfriend's chest.

''And what if you hadn't been able to keep your hands off of me?'' Robbe asked softly, his voice cracking, being completely consumed by everything Sander was doing to him.

He felt the blonde smile against the skin in his neck, enjoying how bold Robbe could be around him, his fingers travelling back down to the ends of his shirt, as he stepped back to now take it off of him completely.

''This.'' He pushed himself against Robbe once again, grabbing his face with both hands as he kissed him passionately.

Robbe pulled the ends of his hair, resulting in the most angelic sounding moan, as he finally found the possibility to take off Sander's shirt, too. 

Robbe had never expected this day to become so phenomenal, so fucking tremendous. He had never expected Sander to do anything like this for him. He had never expected anyone to take their time and effort to prepare something so special for him. He had never expected to go back to the place where he fell for him, yet this time it being way more real. Robbe being way more real. Himself. Together with Sander.

But most importantly, he had never expected this day to end the way it did.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Friday 23:50**

It was late, almost midnight, as Robbe and Sander were lying down in the sand on the beach, enjoying the complete silence and the presence of only each other, taking in the peace that was flooding around them. They both hadn't realized how much they had actually craved for a moment like this, just the two of them together, no housemates or classmates around, just enjoying each other and there being nothing or no one else to interrupt them. Nothing or no one to stop them from showing their love for each other as much as they wanted to. And right now, in this moment, that was incredibly much.

Sander was lying down on Robbe's chest as the brunet played with his hair, carefully caressing his fingertips over the blonde's scalp. Every once in a while, he bended over to shower his face with butterfly kisses, creating an angelic sounding giggle that echoed throughout the entire beach, right into the sky. It was the most beautiful sound Robbe had ever heard. Sander changed into a completely different person when he was around him. If you didn't know Sander, he would always be that tough guy, pretending he didn't care about anyone's bullshit, walking around in life caring only about himself and creating art that was so chaotic and not to understand. But when you got to know him the way Robbe did, he was simply just a mystery waiting to be unravelled, almost like it was a present that was wrapped so beautifully that you wanted to open it bit by bit, carefully to not rip it apart, taking in all of the details slowly and mindfully.

And that's what Sander was to him. A gift, a dream that had come true.

As Sander was drawing circles into the sand next to them, Robbe was almost startled from the blonde suddenly breaking the peaceful silence.

''Can I ask you a question?'' Robbe looked down, moving away Sander's hair from his forehead to be able to see his boyfriend's eyes. 

Robbe smiled. Not just from the way he asked first before actually asking something, but also from the way Sander's voice sounded so peaceful, even when he was breaking the silence he enjoyed so much. No one else was able to do that like Sander did. ''Alright. Just one, though. So choose wisely.''

It stayed quiet for a little while, as if Sander was going through all the questions he had wanted to ask, having to now pick one out of them, the one he wanted to be answered the most.

''What was your impression when you first saw me?'' 

Robbe looked up at the sky, his smile turning into a wide grin, adoring how - even when they were lying right here with just the two of them and nothing else - all Sander could think about was him and what he thought of him.

''I... thought you were mysterious. Surprising. Intriguing. I had never seen anyone like you before in my life.''

''And what does it mean to be ''anyone like me''?''

''Just... every single thing about you was extraordinary. The way your hair fell down on your face. The way your skin was so tanned, showing off huge contrast between the color of your face and your hair. The way you casually stood there, leaning against the doorframe, being so ridiculously handsome and confident, yet so fantastically intriguing. The way your eyes met mine and I immediately completely drowned in them. The way your eyes twinkled so beautifully after seeing my reaction to your wacky joke-''

Sander moved up quickly, his eyes looking even a little bit insulted. But in a good way. '' _Hey_ , my joke wasn't wacky. I actually prepared that.'' Robbe snorted, his laugh quickly changing into astonishment. 

''You _did?''_ Robbe's mouth fell open, staring at his gorgeous boyfriend's cheeks burning bright red. Fuck, out of anything, insecure and soft Sander was the best version he could ever get to experience.

Sander shrugged, slowly lying back down on Robbe's chest, now not drawing cirlces on the sand, but on the brunet's torso right above his heart. ''I wanted to be prepared for when I first met you. I wanted you to fall for me the way I did when I first saw you. I wanted to leave a good impression.''

''Well, you _did.''_ Robbe leaned forward to plant a kiss on Sander's forehead, moving his fingertips through his bleached hair, wrapping him closer inbetween his arms. It was incredibly how Sander could change from a tough guy into a soft one in what was only a few seconds. And all because of him. He couldn't even begin to describe how that made him feel. But most of all, it felt magical.

''So when did you?''

''Hm?''

''When did you fall for me?'' The questions Sander was asking were almost out of uncertainty, as if he needed to know why Robbe fell for him in the first place. He knew this was one of those parts about Sander he yet had to discover. The guy always needed reassurance, some kind of comfort whenever he was around Robbe, as if he needed to be sure he was good enough and that Robbe would never leave him. It was another one of Sander's qualities Robbe worshipped yet also one of the qualities Robbe questioned the most. Because he had no reason to be insecure at all.

Robbe just smiled, knowing he was actually giving Sander the reassurance he needed. He knew that was one of the reasons Sander felt safe around him. He felt wanted and loved, something Robbe felt around him, too. Or, at least, that's how he hoped Sander felt. He wasn't able to read minds, anyway. ''You do realize I allowed to you only ask one question and that this is the third one you're asking me, right?''

''I just want to get to know you better.'' Sander looked up, moving his hand to Robbe's cheek, caressing it with his thumb. ''All of you.'' He whispered.

Silence fell for a while, as if Sander's whisper took away all the air inbetween them, making the both of them unable to speak. As Robbe finally realized he was still able to breathe, he grinned, admiring the twinkle in Sander's eyes and the serious tone of his voice. ''Fine, but only because you asked so nicely.'' Sander snorted, using the hand that was still clinging onto Robbe's cheek to softly push his face aside. ''Pff, as if you're ever able to resist me.''

''Hey! Careful emo boy, or else you won't get an answer at all.'' Robbe's face was dumbfounded, staring at the blonde in complete disbelief, not believing he just actually said that. The best part of it was that Sander was completely right. He never would be able to resist him. Not if he smiled at him like that. Because that's what he did. Sander observed Robbe's surprised face with the biggest grin he'd ever seen on him, a smile so bright that even the sun would be jealous. ''Did you just call me _''emo boy''?''_

''Are you being serious?'' Robbe couldn't believe Sander was actually going into this.

''Fine, fine. I'm sorry, _''skater kid''_. Enlighten me.'' The blonde stared at Robbe's face, his chin resting on his chest, patiently (yet not so secretly impatiently) waiting for him to answer. It had been the question he wanted to be answered ever since he met Robbe for the first time. He knew he had fallen for him right when he saw him, but he'd always known he would when the right guy came around. Yet, he had no idea what Robbe was like in that department.

''I... don't really know the exact moment when I started to create feelings for you. I guess that all happened naturally and eventually grew throughout time. But I do remember the moment when I fell for you completely. It was on that Wednesday night. The night we spent together at the Schelde. The way you started observing the building in front of us, summarizing the wall that was supposed to be for someone special. Everything about you in that moment... caught me off guard. It was like I was being completely consumed by you, as if I didn't remember where and who I was for a moment. It was only you. That's when I knew I was head over heels in love with you.''

It stayed quiet for a little while as the seconds seemed to tick away slower every second, as if time gradually started to stand still. Sander had never felt anything like this. His body felt enlightened, his senses were overflowing. He had never loved someone as much as he loved Robbe ever in his entire life. He made him feel so many things- he made him able to feel sad, crumble and crack until his heart was no longer heavy, he made him feel so much happiness that he didn't expect it anymore, that he delighted in it whenever it came to him. He made him feel so incredibly alive, that after having felt so wrong his entire life, he now finally felt human.

''Fucking hell, you're the best thing that has ever happened to me, Ijzermans.''

''You're the best thing that has ever happened to me, too.'' 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Saturday, 01:54**

Robbe turned around in the bed, reaching out towards Sander to press his body against his as closely as possible. Their day had been wonderful. Way too perfect. The dinner they shared, the sex they had, the long, deep conversations they had about anything and everything. They became even closer, and Robbe didn't know that was still possible. He also didn't know life could be so untroubled, so foolproof if you just had the right person next to you. And that right person was finally there. As soon as Sander had stepped into his life, it had immediately changed drastically. Robbe didn't have to prove himself to anyone anymore. He didn't have to do right by everyone. As long as he was good enough for Sander. That's all that mattered. And he was. He was more than good enough.

But, as Robbe reached out towards the right end of the bed, he didn't feel the recognizable warmth and safety of Sander's body. All he felt was the cold, hard mattress he was lying on. He opened his eyes immediately, scanning the room, finding Sander leaning against the window frame.

''Sander? What are you-?

''Just go back to sleep.'' His voice sounded numb, emotionless, something he hadn't heard from him before. And fuck, it scared him. So much, he immediately sat up straight, goosebumps appearing all over his body.

''Sander...''

'' _Fuck_ , Robbe! I said go back to sleep!'' 

And that's when realization hit him. This is what Sander had warned him about. The other side of him Sander had been so scared to share. The side he secretly but knowingly hated himself for. He crawled closer to Sander on the bed, not being sure whether to stand up and walk up to him and comfort him, or leaving him alone being the better option.

''Sander... just, take a breath. Calm do-''

''Robbe, I- I can't-'' 

''Let me help you.''

''I don't _want_ your help.'' 

''But Sander-''

''I said I don't _fucking_ want it!''

And that's when things escalated very quickly. Sander barged towards the door thoroughly naked, threw it open and left Robbe behind, completely on his own, without giving him as much as one single look. And Robbe didn't understand. He didn't understand a single fucking thing. He knew Sander had tantrums, he had finally let him in and trusted him with that information. So why didn't he want his help? Did he feel embarrassed? Did he feel scared Robbe wouldn't understand after all? Fuck, it made no sense at all.

So Robbe stood up, threw on his clothes as quickly as he could to go after him as soon as possible. He ran towards the front door of the cabin which was still standing open. The brunet shivered, not being sure whether it was because of the cold breeze coming in through the open door, or the fact he was scared, so fucking anxious as he didn't see Sander anywhere. Not inside the house, not around it. Absolutely nowhere. 

And that's when Robbe realized Sander had indeed told him the truth, but most definitely not all of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaah finally, chapter five! i am so sorry it took me so long. wtfockdown really took all my time together with my uni work. i really didn't have any time and/or motivation to finish this, and whenever i write without motivation it just ends up like shit. i really hope this chapter turned out well, since it was actually very hard to write. 
> 
> for the people who don't know yet: i decided to give Sander a different kind of bipolarity in my version of season three. someone i know struggles with the same mental issues, yet she experiences anger issues way more, and i really wanted that version of bipolarity to be represented, too. 
> 
> please let me know in the comments what you thought about it.
> 
> for anyone who has ever sent me a message asking me for this chapter: i love you and appreciate you so much! thank you for your patience!
> 
> lots of love and stay safe!


End file.
